Saturday, February 9, 2013

Survivor's Guilt

I know what everyone will say,"you couldn't have done anything different, or more.." I am their mom, you're supposed to be able to protect your kids. And I couldn't.  It's stupid to me. 
I'm stuck in the anger. It's not who I am and this doesn't feel good or right. I feel like I'm taking something away from Tucker and Fletcher but the numbness is wearing off and my heart aches, all the time. And I feel guilty. Logical or not.  Blah!

I don't know how to pray. And I really want to pray. But all that seems to come out is me confessing to God that I'm just so angry. For someone who always has much to say, I find myself pretty much without words. Frustrating. 

I went to the dr yesterday and she said that my body has been assaulted for a year now. With the rounds of hormones for IUI, the IVF meds, the hyperstim, the drainings, the twin pregnancy, 2 deliveries that lasted days each time with horrible labor. I don't know what normal feels like. But I would have stayed screwed up if I was given the choice. Blegh!

Our boys were healthy. There was nothing wrong with them. That doesn't make it easier. The dr's, from day 1, told me I had a hard pregnancy. My ovaries never went down to normal during the pregnancy. I was still carrying a lot of extra fluid. I was throwing up, everyday. 5-15 times a day. Until my water broke. I never threw up again. Awesome, huh?

I'm struggling. The moment we found out we were having 2 boys, my heart opened up to a love I didn't know was possible. Having the dr's tell me that they knew I would lose both babies but I did more than they expected to keep Fletcher in for 11 days breaks my heart. I don't understand what those 11 days taught me. Bc in those moments, I cried out, I prayed, we had hope, we believed. And we still lost what we all knew would be our miracle. Sucks!

Dr's seem to think I can carry again with no problems. How you take that leap of faith is beyond me. They think it was just a doomed pregnancy from the start. That's hard to hear. It's hard to know that if my body was strong enough We'd be close to bringing our boys home. I would be breastfeeding with the milk that refuses to dry up already! Over it!

1 step forward, 10 steps back. Ok days and sad days. Today has been sad. But it's only noon so there's time for it to turn around. Who says I can't find the bright side of crap?

Blessed because for whatever reason I've decided to put my thoughts out to the world, it helps..

Blah blah blah. If I'm being honest I'm blessed because my husband just brought me churros and I'm going to go eat my feelings.

Don't judge.

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