Can-I-Getta-amen?!
Loving the kids is the mostly easy, fun part. Learning your role is hard. I am not one to sit back and ride passively thru life. Especially my life. Thankfully Jason and I agree on that and it translates well to our family dynamics. Setting boundaries is confusing. Communicating thru parents can be tough. Not talking to the other set of parents doesn't get anyone very far. Kids feeling awkward and put in the middle does nothing but cause angst for everyone. Running your household different than the other house they are in most of the time can cause confusion and frustration. This gives Satan ample opportunity to jump in and muddy the waters and hurt a feeling here, cause an argument there.
When you divorce you give up a right to have your kids full time. With that you relinquish control when they are with the other patent. When you remarry you invite someone else into your life to share your children with. Good, bad, ugly. There are growing pains with any change and this is certainly no exception. Just because step is in front of my name doesn't change much in our home. We treat each other with respect, kindness and dignity. When there's a problem we encourage it to be talked out. I have a voice. As does Jason. As do the kids. Sometimes it goes beautifully other times it ends in fights and tantrums and tears. But- we make it thru better for it!
L riding bikes with me and out of nowhere telling me how lucky his daddy is to have met me bc I'm so nice and funny and cool.!
#mustbedoingsomethingright
Satan attacks though. All the time. Sometimes it feels like a sucker punch. Out of nowhere, drama, death, heartache, hurt, confusion, misunderstanding, jealousy, pride.
Satan has been all over me when it comes to kids. God gave me a mother's heart from my first job babysitting, then in a daycare then falling in love with J, falling in love with my nephews, to falling in love with K, A, and L. To a love and loss i cant adequately describe with Tucker and Fletcher, I have loved all these kids in very unique ways. In very real ways. In very honest and pure ways. And Satan has tried to find any in to destroy the beautiful relationships we had, we have, or were hoping for. Sometimes they are obvious and annoying, other times heartbreaking and infuriating.
If its for 4 years now in another state, 2 months now in heaven or moments at a time, it breaks my heart. It's not the children and I negatively affecting our relationship, it's the enemy trying to stifle what we have together.
Satan is actively, purposefully trying to break me.
A friend tonight emailed and said that in conversation with avery Godly woman, God had laid Barren woman on her heart. For her to pray for these ladies, that the most Godly children have come from barren woman. John the Baptist and Issac as examples. She said she believes the more important the child is intended to be, the harder the enemy tries to defeat the mom. She encouraged me to stay strong, believing that my children will be world changers for Jesus.
Wow.
Satan is pulling out all the stops to try defeat me. From a broken heart for the boys I lost and fear to try again.
Won't. Happen.
Ever.
Step parenting is tough. Making the decision to have another baby is terrifying. Having to let go of some precious boys I love with my whole heart who were taken away bc of pride outside of my control hurts my heart every day. I pray C, P and J know I love them. My heart cries each time I think of my sons.
But I'm going to say this again.
Satan will not win!
My children will be God sent and they will make a difference in this world.
I'm blessed bc I don't have to fight this battle alone. God's promises sustain me and I know how this story ends. With me being a mom to a baby or 2 who will change the world and forever hold my heart.
They'll be overachievers. Just like Tucker and Fletcher. Watch and see what happens. I know God is up to something..
I pray the sucker punches start to subside and we experience more hope, more peace and more joy. To you as we'll...
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