Closer than I think....

It's been a long time since I've had good dreams. Seems that I either didn't dream or had really bad nightmares. And my dreams are vivid, I remember every detail. Which isn't great when they aren't good. I've woken up more times than I care to remember crying.

BUT, however, hold up...

A few nights ago I woke up from a dream about a man that loved me more than I have ever experienced, I was more comfortable with him than anyone I've ever known and I just really knew we were meant to be together. We were on a vacation in San Fran, a place I've never been but feel like after my dream I could navigate my way around pretty well. My dream was that real. It wasn't just that I was with him, it was that I was on an amazing vacation, with him. I had just had a conversation with my mom that aside from my honeymoon over 3 years ago I haven't been on a vacation since probably childhood. And my dream was of Mr Heavensent who took me away.

Then the next night I had a dream and I got an amazing sales job. As I later desribed it to my mom, it was the NASA of sales job. Whatever that meant, in my dream is was a VERY big deal. And I was more successful than I have ever been.

Both my dreams were things that my heart is desiring more than I'd probably like to admit even to myself. But I woke up not with longing for something I want but more with a peace of things I will soon have.

I read something in a book today that was probably the single best thing that I've read in a long time. "I've found that sometimes God closes a door because I've been believing too small." Read it again. I've been beyond sad, frustrated and hurt because so many jobs, guys, opportunities that I knew weren't right for me but still hurt because I was wanting and ready for something passed me up...

A job, a mate, children, vacations....I've been wanting just anything. God has closed the doors on me accepting mediocrity. He is working in me and through me, to bring me to things so much bigger than I have allowed myself to believe I deserve or will have. But no longer.

And I'm also believing that I'm much closer to His favor than I have allowed myself to believe. He put the dreams in my heart and I'm closer than I think to the realization of that. I just needed to believe a little bit bigger. Because God is up to something. Bigger than me!

Whatever my lot, it has taught me to say....

It is well with my soul.

It's the holidays and I have more heartache than smiles but God's got it under control.

I can't see a kid without crying but God planted the desire in my heart for children and He's not a God who dangles carrots without a full dinner on the other end of the string.

I need something to fill my days and keep my mind busy, God is the author of love not confusion.

I have dreams that are bigger than me but God's up to something. Bigger than me.

Whether it's been a reciept of J's daycare, 2 years old I run across, a school bearing the same name he went to, a picture of an old friend in love, a dream that wakes me up with tears streaming down my face, sending my resume to a job that excites me or or hearing a song that makes me hyper aware that I'm not forgotten and my circumstances arent a surprise to God, He is the author of my story and He doesn't have hopes for my life, he has Plans for my life....good, bad or indifferent I've reached the emotional week of the month. Which has kind of melded into an emotional month with a sane week. But anyhow...

The tears aren't keeping me from enjoying my life, they are just reminders that I'm not exactly where I want to be. Yet. I'm not in a position where I will allow myself to become hard, or settle or wallow. SO that leaves me seeking, crying and living.

Whatever my lot, it has taught me to say, it is well, IT IS WELL, with my soul. If you see me crying in the wrapping paper aisle at Target feel free to take a roll and hit me in the head with that reminder. He never said it'd be easy, He just promised we'd never go alone. So thank you for being on this journey with me.

If you'll excuse me now, I have run out of kleenex!

My cup runneth over, but my plate is full....

Being home the past week has opened my eyes to many things. Some things I might have preferred to keep blinders on for but I guess that knowledge is power so it's better to go ahead and face up to how things really are. Even if it hurts.

I'm blessed beyond measure. I know that. I have my health, a family who is more precious than I deserve and friends who I adore.

I'm gaining a better appreciation for those who live in a real state of life with the heartaches, joys and frustrations that come with it. Life is hard but I'm blessed. Sometimes when you ask me how I'm doing I may tell you more than you wanted to hear. But I'm living my life on the assumption that people that choose to be in my life want to be there because they care about me as much as I care about them. If I'm having a bad day and missing Jonas and just cant stop crying, which as been the case more often than not lately, my answer to you probably won't be a bible verse about rainbows, butterflies and pollyanna. That doesn't mean I'm not a Christian. Doesn't mean that I'm looking negatively at my situation. Doesn't even mean that I'm a depressed person. It means that I value YOU enough to be honest with you when you inquire as to how I'm doing right now. Which is what I expect out of my friendships. 2 way honesty. Not pollyanna canned answers on how you should be feeling. A life made up of should' has never been a life I've been envious of.

My plate is full. Emotionally I'm tapped out. Some of you know why because we've talked about real life things. Others have no idea but an assumption that I can quite certainly tell you is way off. It's not a secret, what my lfe is comprised of right now, and it's a much different set of circumstances from even a few months ago. I'm just waiting for you to ask. And to answer my questions of "How are you doing right now" as well. That isn't an invitation into a rose colored glasses reality. It's an invitation to be my friend and let me know how you're feeling. I was married to a man that was only willing to be active in the good areas of life. I'm not willing to fill my life with those people any longer. I love to make people laugh. But I know as well as anyone how much it is appreciated when you let someone cry with you as well..

Whether your cup is running over with blessings, or your plate is full with life, or a mix of the two and you have things I can be praying about for you....I ask because I care enough to know. And my cup runneth over with enough real people who ask the same of me.

Home is where the memories are...

I have some really special friends. I appreciate each and every one of them. We're all at very pivotal points in our lives and I feel blessed to be part of so many amazing people's journeys.

I spent the day and evening with Whit yesterday. I'm missed that girl. What a difference a year makes. This time last year she was awaiting the arrival of baby number one. Now she's awaiting the arrival of baby number two (who was supposed to come last night while I was there but she appears to be stubborn) while she's being super mom to baby number one.

She and I have been through so much together and for that I am blessed and happy and emotional. Seeing her in this role as Mom is something that just makes me really appreciate her even more. She's been a great friend to me. That she's sharing this new part of her life with me makes me love her all the more. It's not that she's a Mom now and I'm not. I know that one day we'll be Moms together. It's more that she's willing to open herself up to me and be honest with this new role that she is of wife and mother. She tells me her stories and allows me to share my memories of when I was a Mom too.

Of everyone she probably saw me at my absolute best and absolute worst as far as emotional rollercoaster of the past 5 years. She knew me before I was a mom. She was friends with me while I was a mom. And now she's sharing herself and her experiences of being a mom with me. I love her for that.

For so long after I lost J I looked for him wherever I went. At times I'd have moments of panic because I thought I saw him or saw a little boy his age and just couldnt hardly stand it. Then he moved away and I went to KY.

He's living somewhere in Daytona with his new family now. Today as I was leaving Whit's I drove through a huge crowd of runners doing a 5k. There were adults, kids, families, all running. I saw some little boys and realized J could be in that group and I had that panic grasp me again. I forgot what it was like to worry about running into him, and would he remember me, would he run up to me and give me a hug, would he forgive me for not being in his life. Would he understand...

I don't know the answers to those questions. But I believe with all of my heart that one day I will see him again and he will run up to me and give me a hug, he will forgive me and I'll help him understand.

And until that day happens I'll thank God for my friends and family that help me get through those times, allow me to talk and cry and laugh and tell stories about my little boy and allow me to be Aunt Miss to their babies.

I love each of my friends for very different reasons. But right now I want to say, I love you Whit! You're an amazing Mom and I'm proud to be your friend and thank you for always, always, always being there for me to reminisce with and make new memories together! xoxo

Hip place, great wine and flirty old men....

Last night went to a VIP restaurant opening with some friends. The restaurant was really nice, the wine was great, the food was amazing and the men were hot. It was really nice to be dressed up with my friends having a good time out.

This weekend my calander is booked. Going to see my long lost BFF before she has baby number 2, meeting another long lost friend for her bday dinner, watching UK beat UNC, going to a bonfire bday, SEC football watching party, Jags game..so much to do, so many outfits to plan!

It's good to be home. I would have preferred to come home to an amazing career, with my handsome husband and beautiful kids decorating our home for Christmas and parties and gatherings and dinners...but as all of that is in my head I will have to wait for next year to do all that. And that's ok.

Because with all the hip places serving great wine and flirty old men chatting me up I'm confident one of them will be a CEO with a handsome grandson. Earmarked just for mwah!

Jealous of my faux life? You should be. Because before you know it you'll be finding yourself at one of my dinner parties! And you know this gal knows how to throw one heck of a fun dinner party! Keep 2010 open for all my celebrations parties. I am!

Fa la la la blah...

I'm trying hard not to get in a funk. It's not easy. Read an article today on foxnews.com that loneliness is more contagious than the flu. That's kinda scary as I'm a certified card carrying member of lonely right now.

I have really good friends. Ones who have literally been through me with life and death. I am so undeserving. I have an amazing family...they have been through more than any one person deserves to go through because of me, and yet they have loved me, encouraged me and prayed me through it.

I have been trying to plant new roots for a few years now. The ones I had planted with Jeff and Jonas and my house and my jobs, they were yanked from the core and it's been years of rebuilding, relearning and remembering....

I'm not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. Christmas has always been my very favorite holiday and I'm trying very hard to stay positive right now.

I'm reminded of a childhood song I learned in Sunday school...I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I was.

I keep thinking this is the week, the month, the year that my life is going to click, going to make sense, going to start....

Loneliness is contagious. I don't want to be a carrier of that. I heard a long time ago that if you can't be happy with yourself than you can't be happy with anyone else. I'm trying my best to be ok where I am, as I wait for God to lead me where I'm going. I feel lonely at times but God has sent enough real, true, loving friends to keep me going to where I need to be. So in the joy of Christmas spirit I'll end this will "Fa la la la la la la."

Home is where the rest of my shoes are...

So I'm back....

Got the phone call I was expecting Fri but not really the outcome I was expecting. He said that per my personality test I was geared completely for sales and they didnt have anything available in sales. (truth be told I dont think I'd have been a match for that kind of sales anyway.) And he didnt want to put me into a job that I would be miserable in and not make a career out of. Which I have to respect, I wish more people were that honest. But it still stung, rejection always does. And I got to the point where I wasn't just ok with moving to another city, state, even. But I was looking forward to a new start. Back to the meantime.

Thanksgiving was weird for a few reasons but it was nice to have most of the family together.

I'm not sure what I was expecting, coming home after being away for 3 months. Not sure if it's because it's Christmas time, which is usually my favorite time of the year or what. The past few years Christmas has been very different and this year I'm afraid it will continue to be.

People grow up and make decisions and choices that greatly affect you, others, themselves...and you can't change them. It's much harder when the people making those decisions are people you never expected to be capable of the kind of hurt they are causing. So we just have to do what we have been doing...continue to pray.

Christmas is a time of reflection, of family, of the birth of something that forever changed us. I may not be decorating my own house or having a big Christmas party or have all my family together but I'm a Christian and Christmas is more than that. This year without all the noise I'm going to pray for another miracle...something that will again, forever change us. For the best!