If I keep saying it I'm hoping it becomes my reality. Because right now I feel like I'm losing my mind...
There's a huge change in my working world. 3 years ago when I was selling in new homes in the same community I am now, the prices were $200k higher. And 3 years ago when I was selling houses I would leave work and go to Jonas' school to pick him up when I got off work. Or I'd go to Mom and Dad's to pick him up from their house. Driving to their house now I can't hardly stand it. I cry the whole way home.
I don't know why Jonas is so much on my heart and in the fore front of my mind. It's more so now than ever before in the past 2 years since I've seen him. Today I had a great day. Had a realtor focus group with the developer of one of our communities to introduce a new product. It was exciting, I was on my A game, I felt important and involved. Then I went to my car and 3 litttle guys walked by my car on their way to the water park...they of course reminded me of Jonas so I cried the whole way back to my community. I went to Starbucks and as I was sitting in line I made my monthly pledge to the local Christian radio station. A few minutes later, sitting in line, waiting for my chai tea latte, I heard my name announced on the radio. I'd won a dinner for 2 at a fancy restaurant. I was entered into a drawing I wasn't even aware of. It was a nice surprise. A butterfly moment...
God's giving me butterfly moments still. This company that I'm working for continues to impress and amaze me everyday with their committment to employee satisfaction. That's new for me. I couldn't be happier with my job. But I can't hide the hurt and ache that is ever so present in my heart for a little boy that I raised as my own. I can't stop my tears. I can't stop the pain. Because this time 3 years ago the prices of the homes I was selling were $200k higher but this time 3 years ago, I was also a mom. I left everyday and took my little boy home. To our house. I made sure he was taken care of. I spent the evenings making dinner with him, teaching him things, loving him and just enjoying being a mom.
I'm not sure of this new meantime I'm in. It's confusing me. It's harder than I expected. I know the promises and dreams God has put in my heart. I'm not sure why they are so obvious and in my face right now. I know that whenever I think of Jonas, I pray for him. So he's getting a lot of prayers his way. I can't worry about him. I have had to let him go. I don't know that that's a fair request of any mother out there...to let go of a child that is still out there living.
95% of the time I'm good. I'm able to function and move forward. the 5% of crazy that I feel is manifesting itself right now in a very real way, which is hard. I'm trying. I'm doing my best to pick up the pieces and move on. If God didn't know I was strong enough to handle this, he wouldn't have me go through it. I know this.
I just miss my little boy. More and more everyday. I'll get through it. The past 4 years have shown me I'm stronger than I think and I'm able to get through more than anyone should. My day will come....my day will come...my day will come...
And until that day comes I'll continue to be thankful for the blessings I have and pray for the little guy that still to this day has my heart. I miss him so much but I know, I have to believe, that even though I'm not the one taking care of him, that he is loved, taken care of and is ok.
And I will be too. Ok. I will be ok!
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