Saturday, March 9, 2013

Going nowhere fast

"I close my eyes and I see your face, if home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord won't you give me strength to make it thru somehow. I've never been more homesick then now."

I'm empty. No other way to describe this feeling. There is a gaping hole where my babies should be. I'm lost. I feel like I'm walking thru a haze most days. I know how I got here but I don't know how to get out.

I have 1000 canvas paintings I've done for the boys. I have their names tattooed on my wrist. I have 4 necklaces that have their names on them. None of it is enough. None of those things will ever be enough. I don't know how to fill the void.

When we started on the fertility journey we followed the path a lot of couples take and got a dog. The demon dog made us happy. Except when he shredded, destroyed everything and was spastic. But we love him. When I was in the hospital, unsure of how long I would be there and not wanting to board him indefinitely, my aunt took him back to Ky. He made himself right at home. We didn't feel right bringing him back, to be in a crate while we are away. He loves life. He is living it up, there in KY. We miss him but he's in great hands and I so appreciate my family for taking him for us when we needed them to.

Now we're lonely. We only have the kids part time and we miss them when they aren't around. Jason and I both need something to take our minds of things, if that's even possible. But soon we will be growing our family by 4 paws. We're bringing home a puppy.

I don't know if this is healthy or advised but we're doing it. We need something to love. We need something to baby. We need something to take care of and it can't get here soon enough.

I know a dog won't fill the hole. I know paintings and necklaces won't either. But I can't stop trying to find something to make me feel like myself again. I'm tired of being lost.

I can't say anything witty or sarcastic or deep right now. It's 3am and I have another night of not sleeping and just thinking. I'm thinking I sure wish I were in bed on my left side feeling my boys kick and move and have hiccups. I sure wish I could rub my belly and feel them. I sure wish I could wake up from this nightmare that has been my life for the past 3 months. I wish my milk would dry up already! Talk about frustrating. It's a reminder of what I've lost and it is a direct connect to the crazy hormone train I want off of.

I'm sad. I'm lost. I'm empty. I want to be able to give Jason his sons back. I want to be able to give my parents their grand babies back. I want to give everyone their joy back. I want to feel normal again. I want to figure out who this has made me so maybe I can start feeling like I am someone. Right now I don't know what I am.

This has to get easier. Time will have to take care of some of this pain. Some of this anxiety. Some of this anger. It has to. Right?

I'm homesick to see my boys. To rock them and hold them and kiss them and love them. To smell them and sing to them. I miss them. I have never once stopped thinking about what our life would be if what happened Dec 10 hadn't happened. That gets me real far. Into a big ball of crazy emotional breakdowns.

I'm just lost. I feel completely lost. And empty. When will this empty feeling go away? Please, please go away!

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