Thursday, March 21, 2013

Lost in a moment. No chaos. Lost in chaos...

So many pregnant friends. So happy for each of them but still too broken to show them the excitement they deserve.   I guess I can equate this to finding a new word you never knew and then reading it in the next 5 books you open. Pregnant woman, babies, toddlers, they've always been in abundance. Just now my broken heart doesn't miss seeing one.

Spring cleaning is fun. Especially when you have 2 places to clean. Does sarcasm translate thru blog? I'm ready to be settled. I'm so past ready to feel like myself again.

My Dr tells me the only way to move forward is to keep moving forward and until I get out of the anger phase and into the acceptance phase I'll remain in the anger. I asked him to write me a script so I can mosey on over to acceptance but it doesn't work like that. The only way you heal is to grieve. And the reason I have to grieve is because my heart is broken and empty bc Tucker and Fletcher aren't safe inside me growing. And that makes me angry. Grief cycle blah blah blah.

I have to find my confidence again. I have to. This weak, scared, skittish me that I've become isn't fair to anymore. Most of all Jason. He wants his confident wife back. He wants the one who laughed more than she cried. I so desperately want to be that for him. For me.

I have 5000 tons of weight on my shoulders. I worry about everything. I can't control anything. I can't get thru normal everyday activities. My Dr said I'm absolutely not in a position to go to work. I hate being a wreck. My life was finally figured out. I had everything I'd ever wanted and dreamed about and prayed for.

Now I'm stuck. The hardest part of this has been the struggle I have with prayer There are some major things I need to be in prayer about and all I can find to say to God is I don't know how to pray anymore. My prayers couldn't save my boys, how can I trust that my prayers would be heard for anything else? It's painful to admit that. I've always had strong faith. And my faith has been tested and tried and put thru the fire. I have to find my way back to the only one who can give me the peace I need.

I'm staying busy. I'm doing things that need to be done. I'm doing the best I can. I just know that my best is a lot more. I want a baby so desperately. I miss both Tucker and Fletcher so much right now I can't hardly breathe. I've got to get thru this. So I can move past this. So I can get to a place where I can be me again.

I'm blessed bc even in my doubt I know I have people praying for me, lifting me up and loving me thru the heartache.

Tomorrow will be better. I'm not the mom in the way I so wanted to be. I can't hold my babies and rock them and sing to them and love on them. But they made me a mom. And I will forever hold them the only way I can, forever in my heart.

Momma loves you boys. Go give your great grandparents a big hug. They'll take care of you for me!

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