My husband. My able husband.
He's manly. He can fix anything, doesn't mind getting his hands dirty and goes to work everyday to support his family. Would get 3 jobs doing whatever it took to make sure we could survive.
My ex husband.
Asked my dad to take out a loan for us bc he got fired for some rather embarrassing things and couldn't find a job to his liking. He wouldn't get a job that required him getting his hands dirty. That might mess up his mani he worked so hard for.
My husband. My comfortor.
I had a bad day. Kick you in the gut out of nowhere, can't stop crying kind of bad day. And when I called to talk to him about it he told me to breathe and try to relax and he loved me. He laid in bed beside me and held me as I cried. Wipes tears from my eyes, brushed back my hair and kissed my forehead and told me he doesn't have a lot of answers but we'll find them together.
My exhusband. Blah.
When I was sitting in divorce court waiting to be called, wondering what my life was about to become with no husband, if you could call him that, no J, and no clue how my life ended so bad he told me, in all sincerity, with a well manicured hand on my shoulder, "Melissa, you drive a Lexus and have a blackberry. You'll be fine.
Thank God I'd gotten rid of my razr phone and didn't drive a Camry right?!
My husband. Never leaves my side.
At the hospital for those 2 longs weeks he left once. And that was to take the kids to dinner. They needed to see him and he needed to spend time with them. He slept on a rock hard couch, he held my hand, he cried with me, he laid in bed with me and held me when our whole world fell apart. He promised me that we would be ok. He wasn't leaving. And he hasn't
My exhusband. Houdini like disappearing skills
When I had a miscarriage with him he was at his girlfriends house in NC. Not answering my calls. I'd never felt so alone in my whole life.
Why have I shared the past? To show what the future held for me. Did I make a mistake marrying the first? No question about it. Do I regret it? I don't think so. It taught me who I was. How strong I was and what I was capable of doing. Alone. It gave me some very precious years with J that I wouldn't trade for anything.
The past sucks. Awful. Embarrassing. Scary. Unknown. Confusing.
Then I landed such a loving man and it made me appreciate who he was, what he had to offer, showed me how I deserved to be treated and loved and respected. And it made the past ok. I still get shaky thinking about some of it but it doesn't have a stronghold anymore because my life now is a great life.
Great present trumps crappy past!
I'm hoping this makes sense bc it's the basket I'm putting all my eggs in. Today was an awful day. I can't pinpoint why it was bad but it was really just awful. I went to my happy place, the town center, and I just felt completely lost. Walking in and out of stores and just felt lost. Went to Target and they were restocking so the aisles were cluttered with dollies. I cut thru to get out of there and realized I was in the baby boy section. And I was stuck by boxes and carts. I couldn't breathe and I was about to panic. I ran to the front of the store but I couldn't get out because there was a lady with a cart in front of the door. I looked inside and she had a baby carrier with a newborn. I completely lost it. Total meltdown in Target and pretty much can't stop crying since.
I have irrational thoughts. I see a woman getting a baby out of a car into a stroller and I panic wondering how I'll manage with the baby boys. And then it hits me that that's not a valid concern and I'm left with the 1, 2 punch to the gut and heart.
My baby boys are now part of my past. I like that they have bumped the sucky man past down and they are what I think about now. All the time. Like cant stop.
My past with them is hard. Confusion. Anger. Questions. Fear. Panic. Disappointment. Despair.
But my present is filled with their Daddy holding me and loving me and doing everything in his power to make sure I know how much I'm loved. And how much I mean to him. And how he will always protect me.
And my future is bright because I don't just hear what he says, I live what he says. Every single day. I live his love, I live his care and I live his humor. I have never felt more blessed to have 1 person in my life.
This journey sucks. A bad day slams you in the middle of some decent days and it hurts. It's hard. It's scary.
But what isn't scary is the belief that my life will come together again. With the right people, with things coming at the right times and with a God who I know forgives me for the anger I've shown him.
I'm blessed bc I'm loved. And that will lead to my healing. Of that I'm confident.
PS Jason got a tat today for the boys. I wanted Fletcher and Tucker on my wrist with Fletcher on top but wasn't sure why. But I wouldn't have it another way. Today Jason got the names the same way and said he wanted it like that bc That's how our baby boys laid in my belly. Fletcher on top getting the crap kicked out of him by Tucker.
I miss them. So much today, it's amazing the depth of grief you feel for your children.
God, if you're listening, please tell Tucker and Fletcher that Momma loves them and misses them but we're doing ok. Then take them to my grandparents so they've got someone to hold them as I can't.
I'm getting there...slowly. But I'm getting there.
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