Thursday, March 14, 2013

Miracle Shmiracle

I saw a shooting star tonight. I couldn't come up with a wish.

My Nana is in the hospital. This is really hard for me that I'm not there with her. I talk to her nearly everyday and recently our conversations have made me sad. She's ready to be reunited with Papaw. With her parents. With our boys. I can't imagine a life without Nana and I hope, selfishly, that she sticks around for a long time. But she's ready to go home. Her heavenly home.

6 months ago it would have broken me. To hear her talk like that. But I understand. She's lived a long life. She has family here she loves and who love her but he love is waiting for her. Her parents who she misses. My boys she wants to hold and rock and love on. When the time comes that Nana leaves us I know she'll be surrounded with so much love waiting on her. She'll be able to walk around. I don't know if there's cars in heaven but if so she'll be driving with her lead foot down! She won't be hurting. She won't be tired. I understand why she's ready. Just breaks my heart that the time will come that we lose her here.

It's hard for me to pray. It's hard to pray for miracles when I don't know if I still believe in miracles. I need to have a heart to heart with God bc I am struggling with this. Where was my miracle for Tucker? Where was our miracle for Fletcher? How is it determined who gets their miracle? I'm still broken hearted that ours didn't come.

Moving into a new home. With new furniture. It doesn't feel like home bc it's all new stuff. I get anxiety wondering how I'll manage 2 staircases with 2 babies. And then I cry bc I realize I really have lost my mind. My boys are gone. They won't be back. I'm not sure why that's so hard for my heart to remember. I need to have a good talking to with my heart after I finish with God.

I always look forward to spring. I'm dreading it now. Spring is when I would have my boys. Spring is when we would be bringing them home. Spring this year was supposed to bring a lot to our lives.

Something's gonna happen. I pray that I'm prepared for whatever comes my way. Good, bad, crazy. I pray that God guides me bc I am lost.

I'm loved. I'm blessed. Just lost.

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