We got home and sat on the back porch swing and talked. I guess that's not entirely accurate. Jason talked and I cried. I'm so ready to move out of this house. But I'm mad about it. We are moving because we need a change. We don't need the 4th bedroom for the nursery and that breaks my heart. I'm tired of my heart being broken.
Grief grabs you by the throat. It comes from such a deep place, it's scary how deep it's roots go.
Losing Tucker and Fletcher has changed me. I'm learning everyday the many ways I'm different now. I don't have a lot of patience for bullcrap. I can't stand petty issues and problems. It drives me crazy the things that others hold onto that poisons them.
But it's also changed in me my heart. I can move on now in some relationships where I forgave without an apology being offered. Bygones are bygones and we are moving forward. It makes it easier to breathe. To not be so tense. To be able to be myself, not someone I didn't like being bc of pettiness.
I've also decided to close the chapter on a very toxic relationship. I will no longer allow myself to be bullied. To be told what to do. To be told I can have a relationship under someone else's terms and conditions with no regard to what I need out of the relationship. I made the decision to divorce my exhusband who never made me feel half as bad about myself as this person has. Out of respect for people I love I'll not air any dirty laundry but I tried to make amends, I've apologized for things I've done, for how I handled my grief when it didn't sit well with them and I made concessions that should never be asked of a person.
My confidence is in the toilet right now. I don't know why, I can't pinpoint what makes me doubt and question my abilities, my talents and my deeds but doubt and guilt and fear are something I fight daily. I don't need a bully on top of that.
Losing Tucker and Fletcher the way we did hurts more than I can explain. The loss is physical. It's mental. It's emotional. And it's spiritual. I'm struggling in all these areas. I can't do anything about the circumstances that led to their deaths. There isn't a lot I can control. But I can do something about who I invest my time, emotions and energy into. And it will no longer be people who don't care about me or have no desire to know who I've become. I'm divorcing them! It's only about 2 years too late!
Life is so much harder than I ever thought possible. But I have such a strong, loving, caring, compassionate man standing beside me. Holding me up. Dragging me forward. Allowing me to hurt and grieve and cry but reminding me of what I still have to offer.
This decision didn't come easily but it was decision time and I'm closing this door on my side that has been locked, barricaded and sealed shut on the other side for a very long time. For me to heal I have to cut out the people trying to poison my heart, my mind and my soul. So. Not. Worth. It.
I'm going to be ok. I have the love of one very special man who tells me everyday that we'll get thru this together. And I trust him.
Plus he promised to knock some heads together if need be, so there's always that!
Going to see what God has in store for me next. I'm scared but I'm hopeful that if He hasn't left me yet, He's probably in it for the long haul. Right God?! Here I am, ready for what's next. I think. No,
Definitely ready.
I think.
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