Wednesday, March 27, 2013

It was the worst day, and the best...

I'm struggling. I'm trying my best to keep moving forward but I'm just struggling. I'd be close to having my boys in the next month. Our life would be total chaos with 2 screaming baby boys, we'd never get a good nights sleep and I'd be holding my babies. Crying tears of thankfulness. That's a change I need to work on.

I'm sure I've lost some readers along the way. Who wants to continually read from the heart of a grieving mother. But I can't stop writing. If I don't get it out I will for sure implode.

Was watching the Voice the other night and one of the guys trying out told his story. His wife was pregnant with twins and she lost them at 5 months. He said that it was the worst day of his life and the best day of his life.

I get that. I totally get that. I held and saw what my love created with Jason and they were beautiful. They were my babies. I was holding my boys.

The guy also said something like it was like seeing a glimpse of heaven but not being able to stay.

I'd do it all over again. The puking. The bedrest. The drainings. The time off work. The missed time with family and friends There isn't anything I wouldn't have done to just have my boys here with me now.

They are in heaven. They are with people I loved so much. I know they are ok. But holy crap, I miss my babies.

This puppy that has already shown to be a blessing to our family is getting more attention than she needs. She's our baby right now. She needs love. Attention. We have to feed her. Take her out and house train her. I can't be mad at her that she's a cheap (actually expensive) substitute (an adorable, precious substitute but a substitute none the less) for what my heart cries for.

I miss them. I miss Tucker and I miss Fletcher. I know the pain will never go away but I'd be really ok with this feeling of total emptiness making its exit. Any day now. Like now. Seriously.

Going to spend 4 days camping with the kids, parents, in laws and Coco at the beach. We will be together for Easter this year.

My Sunday is out there. I know it is.

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