Sunday, March 17, 2013

Twins, Ashlen and chaos.

Well we moved. Mostly. Kind of. Now we don't just have chaos and disorder in one home but 2. Yippee!! We moved out of the sad house.

But I am still sad and empty and lost. That wasn't supposed to follow me to the new place. That was the plan anyways. All the sadness, the tears, the anger and confusion was not invited to move with us.

Guess who showed up today.

This is so frustrating. We had the kids this weekend and we moved and it was awful moving and a lot of work (36 stairs x 1000 trips up and down) but we had a great weekend. Girls were settled into their awesome new room. Landon loves his big bedroom. They love it here. We made a slide out of cardboard boxes for them to go down the stairs and crash into a big pile of pillows and they loved it.

Ashlen wanted me to blog about a few things, so before I forget, here you go Ash.
1. She was carrying a box up the first flight of stairs and did well until she forgot about the step up from the landing. And she fell on her face. My proud moment came when she posed with a smile on her face!
2. The girls and I painted their room. Ash really throws herself into what she does. All of herself. Like her head. Her blonde hair was blue from paint. Kaylen got some droplets on her arm. But they did a fantastic job and their room is pretty fab!

I was worried this wouldn't feel like home. I don't want to feel lost here as well. I want to be settled. I want to feel like myself again. It's so confusing right now. It feels like this crap all happened to someone else. I go the weekend having a great time with the kids, family time, memories, riding bikes with Landon and I just got angry. I had to go up to my room and just broke down. I wasn't able to give them their brothers. My body failed me. Failed my family. Failed the kids. Then I was on my Pinterest boards and saw a twin board I'd created and it made me furious. Losing 2 babies has been the worst part I think. Because I lost 1. Then for 11 days I had a strong belief Fletcher would be ok. Then he died and I'm left with nothing but a huge hole in my heart and my stomach.

I'm angry. Watching tv and see a documentary on drug dealing thugs. They all had 3-6 kids each. Valid or not I don't understand why I wasn't allowed to bring my babies home. They would have been loved. They would have been taken care of. They would have had more love and attention than they needed. My babies should still be growing inside me. I would be 31 weeks. I'd be having showers. I'd be doing classes with Jason. Hospital tours. Final touches on the nursery. I'd be miserable with a huge belly and feeling them kick and move and dance inside me. But none of that is happening. I'm empty. I can't adequately convey just how empty you become when you lose a baby. And then your other one.

Closer my due date gets the harder it is to keep it together. I'm so tired of being a wreck. I didn't know what to do with the boys boxes with their ashes in it so we took them to Mom and Dads. They were sitting on the dining room table which irritated me so I moved them to a high chair they have and that broke my heart. My boys were supposed to sit in that old high chair we've had forever and I was supposed to feed them. Not put 2 stupid boxes of ashes there.

I want my babies back. I want to kiss Tucker and hold Fletcher longer. I didn't get to spend enough time with Fletcher. I was scared. I was angry. I was terrified. I was broken. I need more time with my boys.

I feel like in being punished. I'm trying to figure this out as I go and I'm struggling. Maybe I'm not meant to have kids of my own. I can't imagine anything more cruel then to go thru a twin loss and not have a baby at some point but that's a fear.

I want my babies here. I miss them. I miss being pregnant. I haven't thrown up since my water broke and I would gladly go back to throwing up every day. I can't change anything. No bartering will get me back what I need to feel whole again.

Jason needs his wife back. The one who had confidence in herself and her abilities. My parents need their fun loving daughter back. I need to feel like myself again. I want out of this nightmare that I've been in for 3 months.

I want my boys. I want my babies. I want my heart to heal so I can find out where I go from here.

I'm blessed because as I laid on my husbands chest crying, he sang to me. I don't know why that was what I needed but I love that man of mine so much it made it better.

Tomorrow is a new day. In a new place. Full of crap I don't know what to do with but it's a distraction I need. I'll get this all figured out. I've learned how to multitask better. Crying while you're figuring it out.

Please, let me figure this out!

1 comment:

  1. I'm not sure if I know you, but some how we are friends on instagram. I have seen your post and my heart is with you. I have said a small prayer for you that you never forget, but you heal. My sister and husband were blessed with their twins Hope and Grace for 46 mins of their lives. She started an organization, you might be interested in browsing...
    God bless.