Saturday, March 30, 2013

It's Friday... (Well actually Saturday)

But Sunday's comin!

This time last year I was sitting at the beach with my family, listening to the ocean, wind whipping around me, wondering about my baby story and where it would take us.

The past few days I've been sitting at the beach with my family, listening to the ocean, wind whipping around me, wondering about my baby story, missing Tucker and Fletcher more than I can say and wondering where this road is taking us.

It's Friday. But Sunday is comin.

People who don't know, don't understand. I'll never forget 2 years ago when we had the kids at the beach for Easter and I was reading an Easter book to Landon and I got to the part that said Jesus died on the cross. Landon freaks and says, "Jesus is dead?!" I told him to hang on a few pages, Sunday was coming!

I was sitting on the beach today and when the sun was out it felt wonderful. When the sun was hidden by the clouds it was cold and miserable. It was amazing how quickly you can go from feeling great to shaking.

Kind of like having a wonderful day with the family and parents flying kites, riding bikes and just enjoying each other to walking straight into anxiety when faced with 2 babies at the pool.

It's Friday.

Right now I'm still broken. My heart aches every day for my boys. I dream that they are with me then wake up to the reality that they aren't. The guilt kills me. Satan tries to make me think I didn't deserve them. Or I did something to cause this. Or God changed his mind and decided I couldn't take care of them.

It's Friday.

God sent Jesus, his son, to die on a cross. To save us. How can I be mad at a God who more than understands my pain?!

He knew Sunday was coming. He knew Jesus wouldn't stay in the grave and he knew what good would come from the pain of Friday.

I'm trusting that He has allowed Friday in my life with the understanding that Sunday is coming. It won't ever erase the pain of what happened on Fri or Dec 10th or Dec 13 or Dec 24 or or or....

I'm blessed knowing that the sun still shines, God is in control and Jesus is no longer in the grave! And I'll hold onto that until my Sunday comes.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

It was the worst day, and the best...

I'm struggling. I'm trying my best to keep moving forward but I'm just struggling. I'd be close to having my boys in the next month. Our life would be total chaos with 2 screaming baby boys, we'd never get a good nights sleep and I'd be holding my babies. Crying tears of thankfulness. That's a change I need to work on.

I'm sure I've lost some readers along the way. Who wants to continually read from the heart of a grieving mother. But I can't stop writing. If I don't get it out I will for sure implode.

Was watching the Voice the other night and one of the guys trying out told his story. His wife was pregnant with twins and she lost them at 5 months. He said that it was the worst day of his life and the best day of his life.

I get that. I totally get that. I held and saw what my love created with Jason and they were beautiful. They were my babies. I was holding my boys.

The guy also said something like it was like seeing a glimpse of heaven but not being able to stay.

I'd do it all over again. The puking. The bedrest. The drainings. The time off work. The missed time with family and friends There isn't anything I wouldn't have done to just have my boys here with me now.

They are in heaven. They are with people I loved so much. I know they are ok. But holy crap, I miss my babies.

This puppy that has already shown to be a blessing to our family is getting more attention than she needs. She's our baby right now. She needs love. Attention. We have to feed her. Take her out and house train her. I can't be mad at her that she's a cheap (actually expensive) substitute (an adorable, precious substitute but a substitute none the less) for what my heart cries for.

I miss them. I miss Tucker and I miss Fletcher. I know the pain will never go away but I'd be really ok with this feeling of total emptiness making its exit. Any day now. Like now. Seriously.

Going to spend 4 days camping with the kids, parents, in laws and Coco at the beach. We will be together for Easter this year.

My Sunday is out there. I know it is.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Coco Belle Neu

We've added a new lil gal to our family, Coco Neu. She is pretty much the cutest dog I've ever seen. We made the decision to get a puppy to give us something new to focus on. Wasn't sure if it was the best thing to do or not but oh. my. gosh. We are in love. She's already brought so much joy into our lives.

I'm sure we'll probably end up with an unhealthy attachment to her, and that worried me. But when we picked her up on Sunday she was just so loving and cute and cuddly. We had a 3 hour drive home and she laid on my lap most of the trip. A few times she crawled up my chest and laid her head in my neck and I covered her with a blanket and rocked her.

And then I completely lost it.

It's a dog.

Not a baby. Not Tucker. She's not fletcher either. Now it's like I went thru hell and all I got was the dog. But I really do love her. I picked out a really cute outfit that is blue and has a tutu and on the back has a big silver high heel. I mean, c'mon. Melissa before Coco- hates animals dressed as people. Melissa after Coco- trying to decide between puppy tutus or puppy onesies. It's a little ridiculous.

For such a little dog she sure does carry a big burden. She's going to help us heal. Help us get back to who we were. But I get so angry that other friends are having their babies, pregnant with babies, holding their babies and I'm holding a dog.

So frustrating.

We have gotten to spend more time with the kiddos lately and it means so much to us any extra time we get together. Jason and Landon went and did man things. Kaylen, Ash and I went to Starbucks then tried smuggling Coco into Target and Home Depot. It was a comedy of errors and I'm sure they thought we were shoplifting or something, anytime we saw a worker we ran the other way w a wiggly dog in an oversize bag covered by my jacket. And all 3 of us laughing so hard. Not at all obvious. It's their spring break and we had them some last night, they wanted to spend the day with us and all night and we started putting our new place together. It's starting to feel like home.

I'm trying really hard to focus on what I have. I have a beautiful husband who makes me laugh more than I ever have. I have a funny stepson who says the funniest stuff, who is loving and witty and makes me feel like he really loves being here. I have a preteener who makes me so proud in so many ways, so talented and kind. And one about to turn 10 who is smart, sassy, and kind. I have 2 little sons who I carry in my heart and one 10 year old boy who is celebrating his birthday as I pray for him, wherever he may be.

I am blessed. I really am. I think the tears running down my cheeks are just some leftover disappointment, fear, anger and frustration leaving my heart.

I'm healing.

Never been more appropriate timing. It's Friday, but Sunday is coming!!

Easter, camping, new pup, kids, parents, in laws, beach. Can't be mad about that!

Going to make sure these 3 kids that I love so so much are nice and warm in their new bedrooms then crawl in bed with the other part of me.


Thursday, March 21, 2013

Lost in a moment. No chaos. Lost in chaos...

So many pregnant friends. So happy for each of them but still too broken to show them the excitement they deserve.   I guess I can equate this to finding a new word you never knew and then reading it in the next 5 books you open. Pregnant woman, babies, toddlers, they've always been in abundance. Just now my broken heart doesn't miss seeing one.

Spring cleaning is fun. Especially when you have 2 places to clean. Does sarcasm translate thru blog? I'm ready to be settled. I'm so past ready to feel like myself again.

My Dr tells me the only way to move forward is to keep moving forward and until I get out of the anger phase and into the acceptance phase I'll remain in the anger. I asked him to write me a script so I can mosey on over to acceptance but it doesn't work like that. The only way you heal is to grieve. And the reason I have to grieve is because my heart is broken and empty bc Tucker and Fletcher aren't safe inside me growing. And that makes me angry. Grief cycle blah blah blah.

I have to find my confidence again. I have to. This weak, scared, skittish me that I've become isn't fair to anymore. Most of all Jason. He wants his confident wife back. He wants the one who laughed more than she cried. I so desperately want to be that for him. For me.

I have 5000 tons of weight on my shoulders. I worry about everything. I can't control anything. I can't get thru normal everyday activities. My Dr said I'm absolutely not in a position to go to work. I hate being a wreck. My life was finally figured out. I had everything I'd ever wanted and dreamed about and prayed for.

Now I'm stuck. The hardest part of this has been the struggle I have with prayer There are some major things I need to be in prayer about and all I can find to say to God is I don't know how to pray anymore. My prayers couldn't save my boys, how can I trust that my prayers would be heard for anything else? It's painful to admit that. I've always had strong faith. And my faith has been tested and tried and put thru the fire. I have to find my way back to the only one who can give me the peace I need.

I'm staying busy. I'm doing things that need to be done. I'm doing the best I can. I just know that my best is a lot more. I want a baby so desperately. I miss both Tucker and Fletcher so much right now I can't hardly breathe. I've got to get thru this. So I can move past this. So I can get to a place where I can be me again.

I'm blessed bc even in my doubt I know I have people praying for me, lifting me up and loving me thru the heartache.

Tomorrow will be better. I'm not the mom in the way I so wanted to be. I can't hold my babies and rock them and sing to them and love on them. But they made me a mom. And I will forever hold them the only way I can, forever in my heart.

Momma loves you boys. Go give your great grandparents a big hug. They'll take care of you for me!

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Twins, Ashlen and chaos.

Well we moved. Mostly. Kind of. Now we don't just have chaos and disorder in one home but 2. Yippee!! We moved out of the sad house.

But I am still sad and empty and lost. That wasn't supposed to follow me to the new place. That was the plan anyways. All the sadness, the tears, the anger and confusion was not invited to move with us.

Guess who showed up today.

This is so frustrating. We had the kids this weekend and we moved and it was awful moving and a lot of work (36 stairs x 1000 trips up and down) but we had a great weekend. Girls were settled into their awesome new room. Landon loves his big bedroom. They love it here. We made a slide out of cardboard boxes for them to go down the stairs and crash into a big pile of pillows and they loved it.

Ashlen wanted me to blog about a few things, so before I forget, here you go Ash.
1. She was carrying a box up the first flight of stairs and did well until she forgot about the step up from the landing. And she fell on her face. My proud moment came when she posed with a smile on her face!
2. The girls and I painted their room. Ash really throws herself into what she does. All of herself. Like her head. Her blonde hair was blue from paint. Kaylen got some droplets on her arm. But they did a fantastic job and their room is pretty fab!

I was worried this wouldn't feel like home. I don't want to feel lost here as well. I want to be settled. I want to feel like myself again. It's so confusing right now. It feels like this crap all happened to someone else. I go the weekend having a great time with the kids, family time, memories, riding bikes with Landon and I just got angry. I had to go up to my room and just broke down. I wasn't able to give them their brothers. My body failed me. Failed my family. Failed the kids. Then I was on my Pinterest boards and saw a twin board I'd created and it made me furious. Losing 2 babies has been the worst part I think. Because I lost 1. Then for 11 days I had a strong belief Fletcher would be ok. Then he died and I'm left with nothing but a huge hole in my heart and my stomach.

I'm angry. Watching tv and see a documentary on drug dealing thugs. They all had 3-6 kids each. Valid or not I don't understand why I wasn't allowed to bring my babies home. They would have been loved. They would have been taken care of. They would have had more love and attention than they needed. My babies should still be growing inside me. I would be 31 weeks. I'd be having showers. I'd be doing classes with Jason. Hospital tours. Final touches on the nursery. I'd be miserable with a huge belly and feeling them kick and move and dance inside me. But none of that is happening. I'm empty. I can't adequately convey just how empty you become when you lose a baby. And then your other one.

Closer my due date gets the harder it is to keep it together. I'm so tired of being a wreck. I didn't know what to do with the boys boxes with their ashes in it so we took them to Mom and Dads. They were sitting on the dining room table which irritated me so I moved them to a high chair they have and that broke my heart. My boys were supposed to sit in that old high chair we've had forever and I was supposed to feed them. Not put 2 stupid boxes of ashes there.

I want my babies back. I want to kiss Tucker and hold Fletcher longer. I didn't get to spend enough time with Fletcher. I was scared. I was angry. I was terrified. I was broken. I need more time with my boys.

I feel like in being punished. I'm trying to figure this out as I go and I'm struggling. Maybe I'm not meant to have kids of my own. I can't imagine anything more cruel then to go thru a twin loss and not have a baby at some point but that's a fear.

I want my babies here. I miss them. I miss being pregnant. I haven't thrown up since my water broke and I would gladly go back to throwing up every day. I can't change anything. No bartering will get me back what I need to feel whole again.

Jason needs his wife back. The one who had confidence in herself and her abilities. My parents need their fun loving daughter back. I need to feel like myself again. I want out of this nightmare that I've been in for 3 months.

I want my boys. I want my babies. I want my heart to heal so I can find out where I go from here.

I'm blessed because as I laid on my husbands chest crying, he sang to me. I don't know why that was what I needed but I love that man of mine so much it made it better.

Tomorrow is a new day. In a new place. Full of crap I don't know what to do with but it's a distraction I need. I'll get this all figured out. I've learned how to multitask better. Crying while you're figuring it out.

Please, let me figure this out!

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Miracle Shmiracle

I saw a shooting star tonight. I couldn't come up with a wish.

My Nana is in the hospital. This is really hard for me that I'm not there with her. I talk to her nearly everyday and recently our conversations have made me sad. She's ready to be reunited with Papaw. With her parents. With our boys. I can't imagine a life without Nana and I hope, selfishly, that she sticks around for a long time. But she's ready to go home. Her heavenly home.

6 months ago it would have broken me. To hear her talk like that. But I understand. She's lived a long life. She has family here she loves and who love her but he love is waiting for her. Her parents who she misses. My boys she wants to hold and rock and love on. When the time comes that Nana leaves us I know she'll be surrounded with so much love waiting on her. She'll be able to walk around. I don't know if there's cars in heaven but if so she'll be driving with her lead foot down! She won't be hurting. She won't be tired. I understand why she's ready. Just breaks my heart that the time will come that we lose her here.

It's hard for me to pray. It's hard to pray for miracles when I don't know if I still believe in miracles. I need to have a heart to heart with God bc I am struggling with this. Where was my miracle for Tucker? Where was our miracle for Fletcher? How is it determined who gets their miracle? I'm still broken hearted that ours didn't come.

Moving into a new home. With new furniture. It doesn't feel like home bc it's all new stuff. I get anxiety wondering how I'll manage 2 staircases with 2 babies. And then I cry bc I realize I really have lost my mind. My boys are gone. They won't be back. I'm not sure why that's so hard for my heart to remember. I need to have a good talking to with my heart after I finish with God.

I always look forward to spring. I'm dreading it now. Spring is when I would have my boys. Spring is when we would be bringing them home. Spring this year was supposed to bring a lot to our lives.

Something's gonna happen. I pray that I'm prepared for whatever comes my way. Good, bad, crazy. I pray that God guides me bc I am lost.

I'm loved. I'm blessed. Just lost.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Marriage and Divorce

Yesterday was our 2 year Anniversary. I have never been so completely confident of anything as much as I am about Jason and my relationship. The day wasn't romantic. He had to work. I ran some errands. We signed the papers and got the keys for our new home. We painted, we cleaned and we talked. It was real life that didn't need fancy added to it to make it special.  The Peterbrooke Chocolate was a nice touch though!  Good job my dude!

We got home and sat on the back porch swing and talked. I guess that's not entirely accurate. Jason talked and I cried. I'm so ready to move out of this house. But I'm mad about it. We are moving because we need a change. We don't need the 4th bedroom for the nursery and that breaks my heart. I'm tired of my heart being broken.

Grief grabs you by the throat. It comes from such a deep place, it's scary how deep it's roots go.

Losing Tucker and Fletcher has changed me. I'm learning everyday the many ways I'm different now. I don't have a lot of patience for bullcrap. I can't stand petty issues and problems. It drives me crazy the things that others hold onto that poisons them.

But it's also changed in me my heart. I can move on now in some relationships where I forgave without an apology being offered. Bygones are bygones and we are moving forward. It makes it easier to breathe. To not be so tense. To be able to be myself, not someone I didn't like being bc of pettiness.

I've also decided to close the chapter on a very toxic relationship. I will no longer allow myself to be bullied. To be told what to do. To be told I can have a relationship under someone else's terms and conditions with no regard to what I need out of the relationship. I made the decision to divorce my exhusband who never made me feel half as bad about myself as this person has. Out of respect for people I love I'll not air any dirty laundry but I tried to make amends, I've apologized for things I've done, for how I handled my grief when it didn't sit well with them and I made concessions that should never be asked of a person.

My confidence is in the toilet right now. I don't know why, I can't pinpoint what makes me doubt and question my abilities, my talents and my deeds but doubt and guilt and fear are something I fight daily. I don't need a bully on top of that.

Losing Tucker and Fletcher the way we did hurts more than I can explain. The loss is physical. It's mental. It's emotional. And it's spiritual. I'm struggling in all these areas. I can't do anything about the circumstances that led to their deaths. There isn't a lot I can control.  But I can do something about who I invest my time, emotions and energy into. And it will no longer be people who don't care about me or have no desire to know who I've become. I'm divorcing them! It's only about 2 years too late!

Life is so much harder than I ever thought possible. But I have such a strong, loving, caring, compassionate man standing beside me. Holding me up. Dragging me forward. Allowing me to hurt and grieve and cry but reminding me of what I still have to offer.

This decision didn't come easily but it was decision time and I'm closing this door on my side that has been locked, barricaded and sealed shut on the other side for a very long time.  For me to heal I have to cut out the people trying to poison my heart, my mind and my soul. So. Not. Worth. It.

I'm going to be ok. I have the love of one very special man who tells me everyday that we'll get thru this together. And I trust him.

Plus he promised to knock some heads together if need be, so there's always that!

Going to see what God has in store for me next. I'm scared but I'm hopeful that if He hasn't left me yet, He's probably in it for the long haul.  Right God?!  Here I am, ready for what's next.  I think. No,
Definitely ready.

I think.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Going nowhere fast

"I close my eyes and I see your face, if home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord won't you give me strength to make it thru somehow. I've never been more homesick then now."

I'm empty. No other way to describe this feeling. There is a gaping hole where my babies should be. I'm lost. I feel like I'm walking thru a haze most days. I know how I got here but I don't know how to get out.

I have 1000 canvas paintings I've done for the boys. I have their names tattooed on my wrist. I have 4 necklaces that have their names on them. None of it is enough. None of those things will ever be enough. I don't know how to fill the void.

When we started on the fertility journey we followed the path a lot of couples take and got a dog. The demon dog made us happy. Except when he shredded, destroyed everything and was spastic. But we love him. When I was in the hospital, unsure of how long I would be there and not wanting to board him indefinitely, my aunt took him back to Ky. He made himself right at home. We didn't feel right bringing him back, to be in a crate while we are away. He loves life. He is living it up, there in KY. We miss him but he's in great hands and I so appreciate my family for taking him for us when we needed them to.

Now we're lonely. We only have the kids part time and we miss them when they aren't around. Jason and I both need something to take our minds of things, if that's even possible. But soon we will be growing our family by 4 paws. We're bringing home a puppy.

I don't know if this is healthy or advised but we're doing it. We need something to love. We need something to baby. We need something to take care of and it can't get here soon enough.

I know a dog won't fill the hole. I know paintings and necklaces won't either. But I can't stop trying to find something to make me feel like myself again. I'm tired of being lost.

I can't say anything witty or sarcastic or deep right now. It's 3am and I have another night of not sleeping and just thinking. I'm thinking I sure wish I were in bed on my left side feeling my boys kick and move and have hiccups. I sure wish I could rub my belly and feel them. I sure wish I could wake up from this nightmare that has been my life for the past 3 months. I wish my milk would dry up already! Talk about frustrating. It's a reminder of what I've lost and it is a direct connect to the crazy hormone train I want off of.

I'm sad. I'm lost. I'm empty. I want to be able to give Jason his sons back. I want to be able to give my parents their grand babies back. I want to give everyone their joy back. I want to feel normal again. I want to figure out who this has made me so maybe I can start feeling like I am someone. Right now I don't know what I am.

This has to get easier. Time will have to take care of some of this pain. Some of this anxiety. Some of this anger. It has to. Right?

I'm homesick to see my boys. To rock them and hold them and kiss them and love them. To smell them and sing to them. I miss them. I have never once stopped thinking about what our life would be if what happened Dec 10 hadn't happened. That gets me real far. Into a big ball of crazy emotional breakdowns.

I'm just lost. I feel completely lost. And empty. When will this empty feeling go away? Please, please go away!

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

I got 99 problems but he ain't one

How do you know you've picked the right man to share your life with.

My husband. My able husband.

He's manly. He can fix anything, doesn't mind getting his hands dirty and goes to work everyday to support his family. Would get 3 jobs doing whatever it took to make sure we could survive.

My ex husband.
Asked my dad to take out a loan for us bc he got fired for some rather embarrassing things and couldn't find a job to his liking. He wouldn't get a job that required him getting his hands dirty. That might mess up his mani he worked so hard for.

My husband. My comfortor.

I had a bad day. Kick you in the gut out of nowhere, can't stop crying kind of bad day. And when I called to talk to him about it he told me to breathe and try to relax and he loved me. He laid in bed beside me and held me as I cried. Wipes tears from my eyes, brushed back my hair and kissed my forehead and told me he doesn't have a lot of answers but we'll find them together.

My exhusband. Blah.
When I was sitting in divorce court waiting to be called, wondering what my life was about to become with no husband, if you could call him that, no J, and no clue how my life ended so bad he told me, in all sincerity, with a well manicured hand on my shoulder, "Melissa, you drive a Lexus and have a blackberry. You'll be fine.

Thank God I'd gotten rid of my razr phone and didn't drive a Camry right?!

My husband. Never leaves my side.

At the hospital for those 2 longs weeks he left once. And that was to take the kids to dinner. They needed to see him and he needed to spend time with them. He slept on a rock hard couch, he held my hand, he cried with me, he laid in bed with me and held me when our whole world fell apart. He promised me that we would be ok. He wasn't leaving. And he hasn't

My exhusband. Houdini like disappearing skills
When I had a miscarriage with him he was at his girlfriends house in NC. Not answering my calls. I'd never felt so alone in my whole life.

Why have I shared the past? To show what the future held for me. Did I make a mistake marrying the first? No question about it. Do I regret it? I don't think so. It taught me who I was. How strong I was and what I was capable of doing. Alone. It gave me some very precious years with J that I wouldn't trade for anything.

The past sucks. Awful. Embarrassing. Scary. Unknown. Confusing.

Then I landed such a loving man and it made me appreciate who he was, what he had to offer, showed me how I deserved to be treated and loved and respected. And it made the past ok. I still get shaky thinking about some of it but it doesn't have a stronghold anymore because my life now is a great life.

Great present trumps crappy past!

I'm hoping this makes sense bc it's the basket I'm putting all my eggs in. Today was an awful day. I can't pinpoint why it was bad but it was really just awful. I went to my happy place, the town center, and I just felt completely lost. Walking in and out of stores and just felt lost. Went to Target and they were restocking so the aisles were cluttered with dollies. I cut thru to get out of there and realized I was in the baby boy section. And I was stuck by boxes and carts. I couldn't breathe and I was about to panic. I ran to the front of the store but I couldn't get out because there was a lady with a cart in front of the door. I looked inside and she had a baby carrier with a newborn. I completely lost it. Total meltdown in Target and pretty much can't stop crying since.

I have irrational thoughts. I see a woman getting a baby out of a car into a stroller and I panic wondering how I'll manage with the baby boys. And then it hits me that that's not a valid concern and I'm left with the 1, 2 punch to the gut and heart.

My baby boys are now part of my past. I like that they have bumped the sucky man past down and they are what I think about now. All the time. Like cant stop.

My past with them is hard. Confusion. Anger. Questions. Fear. Panic. Disappointment. Despair.

But my present is filled with their Daddy holding me and loving me and doing everything in his power to make sure I know how much I'm loved. And how much I mean to him. And how he will always protect me.

And my future is bright because I don't just hear what he says, I live what he says. Every single day. I live his love, I live his care and I live his humor. I have never felt more blessed to have 1 person in my life.

This journey sucks. A bad day slams you in the middle of some decent days and it hurts. It's hard. It's scary.

But what isn't scary is the belief that my life will come together again. With the right people, with things coming at the right times and with a God who I know forgives me for the anger I've shown him.

I'm blessed bc I'm loved. And that will lead to my healing. Of that I'm confident.

PS Jason got a tat today for the boys. I wanted Fletcher and Tucker on my wrist with Fletcher on top but wasn't sure why. But I wouldn't have it another way. Today Jason got the names the same way and said he wanted it like that bc That's how our baby boys laid in my belly. Fletcher on top getting the crap kicked out of him by Tucker.

I miss them. So much today, it's amazing the depth of grief you feel for your children.

God, if you're listening, please tell Tucker and Fletcher that Momma loves them and misses them but we're doing ok. Then take them to my grandparents so they've got someone to hold them as I can't.

I'm getting there...slowly. But I'm getting there.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Move on, listen up and c'mon already

Losing a chid is the hardest thing anyone will go thru. Ask around. It's true. It's awful and it's unfair. And as soon as you feel like you're finding your way thru this new normal that your life has become, you will see more pregnant ladies than ever before. There will be babies and toddlers everywhere. Ask any grieving parent. They will back me up.

We picked names I had never heard other people called. Now I see or hear the names everywhere. Coach Tucker. Lil Fletcher Smith. Blah blah blah.

You can run but you can't hide. If you were hiding you wouldn't get to field so many stupid comments. "You're young still. You'll have another baby." Do you know that? Is that an absolute? I don't know if it is or not. Since you don't either, maybe don't say it.

You're so lucky you have 2 angels in heaven. Thanks, I'd prefer to have 2 baby boys here but thanks for playing.

You're so strong, I couldn't have done it. Not sure what the "it" is they couldn't have done but I don't care enough to ask. When you face a great loss and it doesn't kill you, you have nowhere to go but forward.

You should be feeing better soon. Oh good, I didn't realize you have such important insight into my life that I will be better soon.

At least you didn't lose them a few months later. Well thank goodness for that. Because giving birth to 2 sons that only lived for awhile wasn't devastating at all.

My favorite. I know exactly how you feel. My dog died last month and it was so hard. Oh, ok forgive me, I didn't realize how closely our stories were, lady!


I know people don't know what to say. I know most have good intentions. But telling me I just need to go ahead and have another baby won't fix this. A baby or 5 won't take away what happened and what we are left with to figure out. It won't take away the fact that my 2 firstborns never got to go home with their parents.

I wish I could go back in time to friends that have lost children. I'd ask about them more. I'd ask how they were doing and be prepared for the real answer instead of expecting "fine" and looking like a deer in the headlights if I were faced with the truth. I didn't know that it's ok to talk about what happened. I had some silly notion that if I asked it would bring it back up to the parents and I didn't want to hurt them. I didn't know that they never have it off their minds. That if given the chance they would love to talk about it. I just didn't know.

That bothers me. What also bothers me is not talking to someone but talking about someone. Not forgiving someone and holding onto anger instead. Thinking people are better than they are. I do this. I tend to try to find the good in people. But I'm here to tell you, not everyone has good in them. When someone shows you who they are, over and over again, believe them. I wish I'd listened to my advise before. It'd have saved me a doomed marriage then a crappy divorce and some heartache along the way holding onto people who needed to be cut loose.

I've also learned that the old saying that people don't change isn't true. People can change. I'm being held accountable for someone I no longer am. And it sucks. How can I be so selfish to think that time, wounds, heartache, healing hasn't changed others as well?

Effective communication can heal. Old wounds, hurt feelings, misunderstanding, talking it out and listening can bring people back together.

Not talking gets you nowhere fast. It gives Satan plenty of time and opportunity to fill your thoughts with anger, resentment, pride and confusion. And that gets you nowhere except alone w a big wall built around you.

I'm rambling, I know. I'm probably repeating myself, don't care.

I've seen life and I've seen death. Up close and personal. Twice. I know what's important in life- God, family, friends, forgiveness and openness. And I know what's not important in life. Anger, resentment, pride, arrogance and dishonesty.

Move on people. If you've hurt someone call and apologize. If you've failed at doing the right thing, make amends. If someone asks you to forgive them and start over, give it the ole college try. What do you have to lose? Holding on to anger poisons your heart. Not the persons you are angry at.

Bitterness and anger isn't fun. I'm working my way out of it and I don't want to return.

Life is what you make of it and if you have issues that need to be resolved, resolve them already!!

Stepping down of my soapbox now. Been awhile since I've climbed up there. Felt good.

PS- if someone could use an apology, give it to them. If someone needs your forgiveness, forgive them. If someone needs to hear from you, pick up the phone and call.

Stop being mean. Stop making demands. Stop playing games. Stop thinking you can do it another day. Before life happens and you missed your chance! Pick up the phone and make someone's day.

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by a girl who has a lot to say! Obviously.