Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Hello Insanity, have we met?!

When I was in KY I went to a corn maze. For my city friends, that's a maze. Made out of a corn field. I'm not sure what I was expecting but I was ill equipped in my high heels and pashmina. I was given a flash light and a "see you at the end." Apparently there were markers to let you know you were heading in the right direction. I don't think we found one until number 4 and then the next we saw was number 2 so we were lost. The corn was a good 3 feet taller than me and it was muddy and my heels acted like a suction in the mud. I was this close to eating mud a few times. But I never fell.

There were a few times I was kind of close to panic. And I wasn't even alone. I was walking through with my aunt and uncle. It seemed like a really sick parallel to my life. Walking into one wall after another with nothing to guide me but a moon, as if I knew how to find my direction from that, a flashlight and some really small markers. But I finally found my way out.

I feel like I'm stuck in a maze again. Maybe instead of corn its men, or jobs, or plans, but it seems like one dead end after another. At one point during that maze I wanted to just bust through the corn and get back outside, where I could see what was in front of me. I can't do that in real life. I bust through doors I know are wrong for me just to feel like I'm going somewhere but when you have to beat through a wall it's never, in my experience, the place God just forgot to put a door.

The past 3 years have been hell. And I don't say that lightly. Ask me when I bought my house. No idea. When did I get married? Not the slightest idea. When did my life completely and totally fall apart? I don't know...sometime over the past 3 years.

Honestly thought, at this point, something would have changed. A job, a plan, something. I haven't given up. Its been a hard fought battle to not sometimes. I meet someone special and I shut down because what do I have to offer? I get excited about a resume I've sent out but I hear nothing back. It's hard to keep treading water. It's been 3 years of keeping my head above water...I'm tired.

I won't give up. Too many people are praying me, loving me and encouraging me through this. I'm not sure what my intention was for this blog. To bare my soul to who know how many people read this wasn't my intention, I know that. I'm a pretty open person but I prefer to talk about the happy, good, exciting things going on. Not that after 3 years I'm still lost.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over the same and expecting different results. I get that. I understand. I'm just kind of at a loss as to what to do differently. I know what my heart desires, just not sure I know what the best way to get there is.

I'm in a corn maze of life. I'm not a lone. I have more than a flashlight and I have many people walking this course with me. Which is nice, because I'm still wearing my heels and more times than not I've almost face planted into the mud. But so far, when I'm this close to falling, there's always been someone there to remind me to keep going. I'm loved, there's a plan, and I'll get there.

And that, is the butterfly reminder God sent me tonight....

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