Sunday, January 24, 2010


I'm tired. And I'm not sleeping. Again. Been a few months now I guess since I've really gotten a full night's sleep. Can't turn off my mind. And when I do fall asleep I wake up with nightmares.

It's crazy. I don't have a bad life. I have a really good one actually. I have parents who are more loving and caring that I deserve, a family who loves and encourages and prays for each other, friends who I can count on for anything. In that regard my cup runneth over.

But on the other hand I'm weighed down. I have so much on my shoulders right now sometimes I dont think I can stand under the pressure of it. I'm tired of people I care about hurting. I'm tired of Satan using things out of my control to keep me feeling weighted down. I can't make people do the right thing, even when the wrong thing hurts so many people. I can't take the cancer that is hurting so many people I know. I can't ease the hurt and worry of their families, themselves. I can't be part of some peoples lives that I desperately want to be part of.

So what can I do? I can just stay firmly planted in the truth I do know. That joy comes in the morning. That the truths that God speaks in the morning may be louder than what you hear in the darkness of the night but God is constant. He doesn't change. His plans are to better us. For His glory.

Refiner's fire. I feel like I've been in the midst of this fire for way too long but whatever reason I'm here. Still. So there's a reason. I cant cure cancer. I can't take the pain and worry and fear from those facing it. But I can keep praying. Last night when I got no sleep because the tears wouldnt stop, I prayed. And these weren't just tears. These were huge tears that were coming from the pain and disappointment and hurt in my heart. But there's something healing in getting that out.

My heart is heavy. For a lot of reasons, people and circumstances. But my God is bigger than those things. I don't know why so many people I care about are hurting and sometimes I wish I weren't the person who takes on other's pain because it's exhausting. But it's also what makes me who I am. I have been through my own pain. I've been through my own hurts and disappointments. Maybe one day that will mean something to someone. That I survived. I made it. I'm not where I want to be, but this is temporary.

As Carrie Underwood sings..."This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going, this is my temporary home."

I pray for grace and understanding during this temporary stay. On the way to where I'm going.

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