Thursday, January 21, 2010

Sugar Daddy's and bad dreams

Funny story. Went to FL for the UK-UF game last week with Mom and Dad. We were meeting some friends at the Swamp, a restaurant across from the stadium. We got there and not exaggerating to say there were more Cat fans than Gator. Every few minutes someone we burst out with OOHHHHH C-A-T-S CATS CATS CATS. Aw, proud!

So we're making our way through the place looking for people we may know. Dad takes off upstairs so Mom and I stand there talking. An older man, and I'm being generous, he was at least 75, comes up to me and in all seriousness put his arm around me and says, " Well I just thought I was coming to see my Cats play, I didn't know I'd find my new wife." So Mom and I laugh and aw how cute and whatever. It was funny. But then Mr Oldie walked around the place and every group he went to talk to, they all turned and looked at me with a smile and a wave. Like he was introducing me as his future wife.

Then another nice looking man walks by and kind of hugs me and gives me the hello. He was younger. Probably 68. Mom and I just laughed, all these cute guys my age and I'm still attracting the old ones.

So Mom and Dad walk to the arena and I walk outside to text some friends who were meeting us there. The 75 yr old comes out and stands about 5 feet away from me, also playing with his phone. He comes over after a few minutes and hands me his phone and he's got a look of frustration on his face. He says, "dang thing isn't working. Not one of your texts have come through!" I just started laughing and gave him a hug and said I wasn't even sure what to say about that. That 75 year old man would have been in trouble if he'd been 40 years younger! He had game!

Just makes me laugh.

Which is nice because I've spent most of the day crying. Woke up from a nightmare about Jonas, Cooper and Porter and I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. The kids in my life are always in the forefront of my heart and thoughts and prayers but lately they just have taken up most of my thoughts. I pray these little guys know how much I love them, how special they are and that God protects them daily.

So I guess I've reached "the" age where my posts are about husbands and kids. I dont think its my biological clock or any nonsense. I just know that at one point I was a wife and mother and took those roles very seriously and loved being both. And God has been building that dream more and more in my heart. Every day.

I have a few guys, actually the past week has been raining men...But I'm taking a step back. Because as much as I want to be that wife and mother, this time it has to be right. It can't fail again. I dont have it in me to go through that again. And something very close to panic has taken hold of my heart when I let myself even consider opening up and being vulnerable.

Satan's still on the attack. But God's most definitely at work. I feel it. In the stirrings in my heart, the whispers in my subconscious. God has someone out there for me. He sent me a 75 year old man to give me a smile while I'm waiting. And the boys I love so much that I cant actively be part of their lives are heavy on my heart. And Satan is using that to try to make me sad but its only served that they get extra prayers each day. And I may be a smidge more scared than I'd like to admit to open myself up to someone but that just serves as a reminder that I haven't shut down.

Baby steps!

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