Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Trusting yourself enough to let go...

I haven't opened myself up to a lot of people over the past few years. Actually I don't even know if that's a true statement. I think I was born without the big neon sign that goes off in your head that warns you against trusting certain people. I go on the assumption that you can trust someone until they prove you wrong. Usually a few times.

Lately I've allowed myself to get close enough to open up parts of myself but closed off enough to not get hurt. Which hasn't really worked. I tell myself I'm ready to settle down, I'm ready to open up, be free. I'm thinking maybe, unfortunately, that's not quite accurate.

I have a big heart. I care about people. I want good things for those I care about. I want people I love to not hurt, for them to be taken care of. I married the wrong man for the right reasons. And Jonas is still, and will always be in my heart. I think of the life I was able to offer him, for a much shorter time than I ever imagined, but I wouldn't trade it. He had 4 years of total and complete unconditional love. Did it break my heart at times, yea. Am I still broken and empty from the hole that little boy left? Of course. But I can handle that hurt because I know I made his life better. If only for a little while.

I still give people the benefit of the doubt. Almost always. And I get hurt. I care too much but I can't make myself only care a little bit. There's not much I won't do for those I love. The hardest thing to do is to know when to leave them be. Whether they were taken out of my life, whether they have taken themselves out to deal with things going on in their own lives, or maybe they just came to realize that I'm not someone they want in their life....if I gave them any part of who I am then when I'm without them in my life as a mother, sister, aunt, friend, employee, whatever role it was I played...if the role has ended I have to let go. And that's really hard for me.

I've never been good at letting people go. Ever. It's not in my makeup. I don't know why I've lost some people that were important to me. Maybe it's for a moment, a season or maybe for good. I don't know. But I've got to trust that the time I had with each person meant something. I know it meant something to me. I pray it meant something to them.

And as I said, I'm not good at letting go. It's something I'm working on. Some things take longer to learn than others. This is one of them. I've set them free. If they come back then I know it will be because God has ordained it.

A lot of people I miss. I would give anything to have some time with J right now. A hug, a story, a song...I can't change what I can't change. I can only continue to pray. God please let each of these people who aren't in my life right now know how much they are loved, prayed for and thought of.

And if they aren't meant to be part of the me you're creating me to be, then please help me to let go...

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