Monday, January 25, 2010

Hold fast

I'm quite certain this won't come as a shock to anyone. I've been down the past few days. I know, I hide it well. Actually, I just hide. But I eventually come out of it.

I went to get something to eat tonight and Mercy Me's "Hold Fast" was on the radio. Have to understand, I'm being a brat when I say this, but I've been kind of really getting annoyed with reminders of hope and promises and better. I want it. I don't want to know it's coming. Or one day it will be mine. I want it. Now. BUT, some reminders you can't really ignore.

"Hold Fast"
"To everyone who's hurting, to those who've had enough. To all the undeserving, that should cover all of us. Please do not let go, I promise there is hope. Hold fast help is on the way. Hold fast He's come to save the day. What I've learned in my life, one thing greater than my strife is His grasp. So hold fast. Will this season ever pass? Can we stop this ride? Will we see the sun at last? Or could this be our lot in life? Please do not let go, I promise you there's hope. You may think you're all alone, and there's no way that anyone could know what you're going through. But if you only hear one thing just understand that we are all the same. Searching for the truth..."

The fact of the matter, or a plethora of matters for that point is this. I dont have cancer. I know people that do and I hurt for them, but I'm healthy. I don't have a job. But I have a roof over my head and a really soft bed to lay in, even if I don't sleep when I want to. I don't have a lot of money in the bank but I have a car that means more to me than I should. I'm afraid that's my last humbling "thing" to release. Clearly I can't get rid of my shoes and purses and earrings because I know eventually I'll have a job and those are necessities. My car, not really. If I need to give that up, begrudgingly, I'll give that up as well. Its a car. But I digress....

I have to learn to set boundaries. I can care about people but not at the expense of caring about myself too. I can pray for their health and try to get them through their cancer treatment but not at the expense of my own health and well being. I can love someone but not at the expense of loving myself. And I can have doubts but not at the expense of losing my faith.

Whether I want them or not reminders come. Sometimes more gentle than others. The right job or opportunity or man or child or friend may not be ready to be revealed to me. Yet. So instead, even when I'm a brat, God still loves me enough to send me something that reminds me. To Hold Fast. Help is on the way...

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