Wednesday, January 27, 2010


I havent been sleeping great lately. I talked to Whit earlier today and told her I'd come down to see her and her beautiful munchkins. Then I took a nap.

I don't worry about seeing J here anymore, he lives in Daytona. I get kind of panicked when I go to Whit's because there's always that possibility that I'll run into him. But she's good enough a friend to understand why I stay holed up in her house when I go down there.

But I fell asleep. And had a dream about J. I was at a gas station pumping gas and heard my name being called. I looked over and J was hanging out of his car window asking why I didn't come over to see him. I went over and put my arms around him and he wouldnt let go. And I was crying as he's asking me why I wasn't there for his birthday, and his soccer game, and his Christmas program at school. And I woke up crying my eyes out.

I don't know what hurts worse. That I wasn't there for all those things or that he doesn't know why. But then I realize I don't know this soon to be 7 year old little boy. I know the 5 year old little boy. And I miss that kid so much that I can't hardly stand it.

"He's barely holding on to faith, but deliverance is on it's way. Bc I believe always, always, our Savior never fails and even when all hope is gone. God knows our pain and his promise remains, he will be with you. Always....Our Savior never fails, even when all faith is gone, God knows our pain and his promise remains" Building 429 Always

I've referenced this song before. It's another reminder. I can't lie or pretend that I understand why I've lost J. Sometimes the pain is still so great I can't stand stand it. But He knows my pain. And His promise remains....

I miss his smile. I miss his face. I miss his hugs. I pray that he's taken care of, that he's loved and feels like the most special 7 year old in the world. Because he is.

My parents are saints. And I don't say that cheekily or funny. They are. Tonight I got home and my mom had a bag full of blankets she's made for Bryce, his sister and his mom. With those blankets were scriptures of promises. We can't do much but we do what we can.

My parents have their own pain, disappointments and sorrows but they continue to give and give and give. They lost as much, if not more, than I did. But they haven't stopped believing that better is around the corner. And if they can keep believing, missing being Tete and Papa, then I can survive missing being Missy. Because it's for a season. It's not for ever.

He will be with you. Always....

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