Always

I havent been sleeping great lately. I talked to Whit earlier today and told her I'd come down to see her and her beautiful munchkins. Then I took a nap.

I don't worry about seeing J here anymore, he lives in Daytona. I get kind of panicked when I go to Whit's because there's always that possibility that I'll run into him. But she's good enough a friend to understand why I stay holed up in her house when I go down there.

But I fell asleep. And had a dream about J. I was at a gas station pumping gas and heard my name being called. I looked over and J was hanging out of his car window asking why I didn't come over to see him. I went over and put my arms around him and he wouldnt let go. And I was crying as he's asking me why I wasn't there for his birthday, and his soccer game, and his Christmas program at school. And I woke up crying my eyes out.

I don't know what hurts worse. That I wasn't there for all those things or that he doesn't know why. But then I realize I don't know this soon to be 7 year old little boy. I know the 5 year old little boy. And I miss that kid so much that I can't hardly stand it.

"He's barely holding on to faith, but deliverance is on it's way. Bc I believe always, always, our Savior never fails and even when all hope is gone. God knows our pain and his promise remains, he will be with you. Always....Our Savior never fails, even when all faith is gone, God knows our pain and his promise remains" Building 429 Always

I've referenced this song before. It's another reminder. I can't lie or pretend that I understand why I've lost J. Sometimes the pain is still so great I can't stand stand it. But He knows my pain. And His promise remains....

I miss his smile. I miss his face. I miss his hugs. I pray that he's taken care of, that he's loved and feels like the most special 7 year old in the world. Because he is.

My parents are saints. And I don't say that cheekily or funny. They are. Tonight I got home and my mom had a bag full of blankets she's made for Bryce, his sister and his mom. With those blankets were scriptures of promises. We can't do much but we do what we can.

My parents have their own pain, disappointments and sorrows but they continue to give and give and give. They lost as much, if not more, than I did. But they haven't stopped believing that better is around the corner. And if they can keep believing, missing being Tete and Papa, then I can survive missing being Missy. Because it's for a season. It's not for ever.

He will be with you. Always....

Trusting yourself enough to let go...

I haven't opened myself up to a lot of people over the past few years. Actually I don't even know if that's a true statement. I think I was born without the big neon sign that goes off in your head that warns you against trusting certain people. I go on the assumption that you can trust someone until they prove you wrong. Usually a few times.

Lately I've allowed myself to get close enough to open up parts of myself but closed off enough to not get hurt. Which hasn't really worked. I tell myself I'm ready to settle down, I'm ready to open up, be free. I'm thinking maybe, unfortunately, that's not quite accurate.

I have a big heart. I care about people. I want good things for those I care about. I want people I love to not hurt, for them to be taken care of. I married the wrong man for the right reasons. And Jonas is still, and will always be in my heart. I think of the life I was able to offer him, for a much shorter time than I ever imagined, but I wouldn't trade it. He had 4 years of total and complete unconditional love. Did it break my heart at times, yea. Am I still broken and empty from the hole that little boy left? Of course. But I can handle that hurt because I know I made his life better. If only for a little while.

I still give people the benefit of the doubt. Almost always. And I get hurt. I care too much but I can't make myself only care a little bit. There's not much I won't do for those I love. The hardest thing to do is to know when to leave them be. Whether they were taken out of my life, whether they have taken themselves out to deal with things going on in their own lives, or maybe they just came to realize that I'm not someone they want in their life....if I gave them any part of who I am then when I'm without them in my life as a mother, sister, aunt, friend, employee, whatever role it was I played...if the role has ended I have to let go. And that's really hard for me.

I've never been good at letting people go. Ever. It's not in my makeup. I don't know why I've lost some people that were important to me. Maybe it's for a moment, a season or maybe for good. I don't know. But I've got to trust that the time I had with each person meant something. I know it meant something to me. I pray it meant something to them.

And as I said, I'm not good at letting go. It's something I'm working on. Some things take longer to learn than others. This is one of them. I've set them free. If they come back then I know it will be because God has ordained it.

A lot of people I miss. I would give anything to have some time with J right now. A hug, a story, a song...I can't change what I can't change. I can only continue to pray. God please let each of these people who aren't in my life right now know how much they are loved, prayed for and thought of.

And if they aren't meant to be part of the me you're creating me to be, then please help me to let go...

Hold fast

I'm quite certain this won't come as a shock to anyone. I've been down the past few days. I know, I hide it well. Actually, I just hide. But I eventually come out of it.

I went to get something to eat tonight and Mercy Me's "Hold Fast" was on the radio. Have to understand, I'm being a brat when I say this, but I've been kind of really getting annoyed with reminders of hope and promises and better. I want it. I don't want to know it's coming. Or one day it will be mine. I want it. Now. BUT, some reminders you can't really ignore.

"Hold Fast"
"To everyone who's hurting, to those who've had enough. To all the undeserving, that should cover all of us. Please do not let go, I promise there is hope. Hold fast help is on the way. Hold fast He's come to save the day. What I've learned in my life, one thing greater than my strife is His grasp. So hold fast. Will this season ever pass? Can we stop this ride? Will we see the sun at last? Or could this be our lot in life? Please do not let go, I promise you there's hope. You may think you're all alone, and there's no way that anyone could know what you're going through. But if you only hear one thing just understand that we are all the same. Searching for the truth..."

The fact of the matter, or a plethora of matters for that point is this. I dont have cancer. I know people that do and I hurt for them, but I'm healthy. I don't have a job. But I have a roof over my head and a really soft bed to lay in, even if I don't sleep when I want to. I don't have a lot of money in the bank but I have a car that means more to me than I should. I'm afraid that's my last humbling "thing" to release. Clearly I can't get rid of my shoes and purses and earrings because I know eventually I'll have a job and those are necessities. My car, not really. If I need to give that up, begrudgingly, I'll give that up as well. Its a car. But I digress....

I have to learn to set boundaries. I can care about people but not at the expense of caring about myself too. I can pray for their health and try to get them through their cancer treatment but not at the expense of my own health and well being. I can love someone but not at the expense of loving myself. And I can have doubts but not at the expense of losing my faith.

Whether I want them or not reminders come. Sometimes more gentle than others. The right job or opportunity or man or child or friend may not be ready to be revealed to me. Yet. So instead, even when I'm a brat, God still loves me enough to send me something that reminds me. To Hold Fast. Help is on the way...

Insomnia...bleh

I'm tired. And I'm not sleeping. Again. Been a few months now I guess since I've really gotten a full night's sleep. Can't turn off my mind. And when I do fall asleep I wake up with nightmares.

It's crazy. I don't have a bad life. I have a really good one actually. I have parents who are more loving and caring that I deserve, a family who loves and encourages and prays for each other, friends who I can count on for anything. In that regard my cup runneth over.

But on the other hand I'm weighed down. I have so much on my shoulders right now sometimes I dont think I can stand under the pressure of it. I'm tired of people I care about hurting. I'm tired of Satan using things out of my control to keep me feeling weighted down. I can't make people do the right thing, even when the wrong thing hurts so many people. I can't take the cancer that is hurting so many people I know. I can't ease the hurt and worry of their families, themselves. I can't be part of some peoples lives that I desperately want to be part of.

So what can I do? I can just stay firmly planted in the truth I do know. That joy comes in the morning. That the truths that God speaks in the morning may be louder than what you hear in the darkness of the night but God is constant. He doesn't change. His plans are to better us. For His glory.

Refiner's fire. I feel like I've been in the midst of this fire for way too long but whatever reason I'm here. Still. So there's a reason. I cant cure cancer. I can't take the pain and worry and fear from those facing it. But I can keep praying. Last night when I got no sleep because the tears wouldnt stop, I prayed. And these weren't just tears. These were huge tears that were coming from the pain and disappointment and hurt in my heart. But there's something healing in getting that out.

My heart is heavy. For a lot of reasons, people and circumstances. But my God is bigger than those things. I don't know why so many people I care about are hurting and sometimes I wish I weren't the person who takes on other's pain because it's exhausting. But it's also what makes me who I am. I have been through my own pain. I've been through my own hurts and disappointments. Maybe one day that will mean something to someone. That I survived. I made it. I'm not where I want to be, but this is temporary.

As Carrie Underwood sings..."This is just a stop on the way to where I'm going, this is my temporary home."

I pray for grace and understanding during this temporary stay. On the way to where I'm going.

Prayer....

I dont even really know what to say. I have a friend, someone who has become pretty special to me in a short time. Found out today he has luekemia.

Please pray for him. And his family. And his kids.

Too much heartache right now with people I know. Life and death stuff. I wish it were trivial things, but this isn't small stuff. I know God is a healing God. He healed my Mom of cancer. My Dad of incurable heart disease....I pray that God heals my friends.

Sue, Noos, Bryce, Sean...4 people that need your prayers. Will appreciate your prayers. I feel ill equipped to know how to handle this. To help. To make things betteror easier for them. I gripe because I don't have a job and these wonderful people are fighting for their lives....

God, please heal their hearts and souls and bodies. Give them peace, comfort from any pain and strength to fight the cancer attacking them. And God please give me enough strength to be whatever I can be to each of them.

Sugar Daddy's and bad dreams

Funny story. Went to FL for the UK-UF game last week with Mom and Dad. We were meeting some friends at the Swamp, a restaurant across from the stadium. We got there and not exaggerating to say there were more Cat fans than Gator. Every few minutes someone we burst out with OOHHHHH C-A-T-S CATS CATS CATS. Aw, proud!

So we're making our way through the place looking for people we may know. Dad takes off upstairs so Mom and I stand there talking. An older man, and I'm being generous, he was at least 75, comes up to me and in all seriousness put his arm around me and says, " Well I just thought I was coming to see my Cats play, I didn't know I'd find my new wife." So Mom and I laugh and aw how cute and whatever. It was funny. But then Mr Oldie walked around the place and every group he went to talk to, they all turned and looked at me with a smile and a wave. Like he was introducing me as his future wife.

Then another nice looking man walks by and kind of hugs me and gives me the hello. He was younger. Probably 68. Mom and I just laughed, all these cute guys my age and I'm still attracting the old ones.

So Mom and Dad walk to the arena and I walk outside to text some friends who were meeting us there. The 75 yr old comes out and stands about 5 feet away from me, also playing with his phone. He comes over after a few minutes and hands me his phone and he's got a look of frustration on his face. He says, "dang thing isn't working. Not one of your texts have come through!" I just started laughing and gave him a hug and said I wasn't even sure what to say about that. That 75 year old man would have been in trouble if he'd been 40 years younger! He had game!

Just makes me laugh.

Which is nice because I've spent most of the day crying. Woke up from a nightmare about Jonas, Cooper and Porter and I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. The kids in my life are always in the forefront of my heart and thoughts and prayers but lately they just have taken up most of my thoughts. I pray these little guys know how much I love them, how special they are and that God protects them daily.

So I guess I've reached "the" age where my posts are about husbands and kids. I dont think its my biological clock or any nonsense. I just know that at one point I was a wife and mother and took those roles very seriously and loved being both. And God has been building that dream more and more in my heart. Every day.

I have a few guys, actually the past week has been raining men...But I'm taking a step back. Because as much as I want to be that wife and mother, this time it has to be right. It can't fail again. I dont have it in me to go through that again. And something very close to panic has taken hold of my heart when I let myself even consider opening up and being vulnerable.

Satan's still on the attack. But God's most definitely at work. I feel it. In the stirrings in my heart, the whispers in my subconscious. God has someone out there for me. He sent me a 75 year old man to give me a smile while I'm waiting. And the boys I love so much that I cant actively be part of their lives are heavy on my heart. And Satan is using that to try to make me sad but its only served that they get extra prayers each day. And I may be a smidge more scared than I'd like to admit to open myself up to someone but that just serves as a reminder that I haven't shut down.

Baby steps!

Lost and forgotten...

I know it's not accurate, at least the forgotten part. But it's how I feel. I've been in this same boat for a year. I was more than certain that I'd have a job by now. No prospects. Not one.

It's almost a month into a new year and I'm no closer to anywhere than I was last year. I'm trying really hard to keep it together and not give up. Which is kind of funny because, give up what exactly I'm not sure. I just know how fast time can pass. I'm going on 3 years ago that everything in my life started crumbling. And I just use that as a point of reference because it seems like yesterday. And it wasn't. It was 3 years ago. 3 years!

I don't want to be sitting here in 3 years, 3 months even, wondering what I have to do, can do, should have done, differently to make something happen.

I know life is more than a job and house and money in the bank. I have too many people in my life dealing with life and death, chemo and surgeries, pain and suffering to let myself forget what's really important in life. My heart aches for them. Wishes I could do more, something, anything, to make their lives easier. But I do the only thing I can do and that's pray.

If that's all I can do for them, and I believe in that prayer than that has to be enough. If I'm looking for a job, networking, talking to people, sending out resumes, praying...what more can I do? I don't know. But I'm feeling forgotten. I'm feeling lost and I'm feeling like the quicksand under my feet is taking me down...

I won't stop believing. I won't give Satan that power. Clearly he has gotten me down as evidenced by this sob fest blog but I wont stay down. Nana always has said that. You can get down, you just can't stay down. And so far I keep finding enough to pull myself out.

Tomorrow will be better. I've had the flu so I'm feeling down anyway. Tomorrow I'll wake up and feel a lot better. About a lot of things....

So...

Went to Winter Jam tonight. Heard Third Day, Newsong, Newsboys, Sidewalk Prophet, Tenth Avenue North. Really good time with good people. Few things I came away with.

1. The man who will become my husband will be musical. Possibly a guitar playing singing piano man. Or maybe just one of the 3. But lately the desire in my heart for that has been growing almost daily. Kind of strange. But tonight just reaffirmed it.

2. Satan is working overtime on a lot of people. Through the hurts, missteps, discouragement, sadness...God's voice is louder, we just have to listen for it. His plans are bigger. His promises are deeper. His love is more pure. I've let a lot of things go but I've replaced my hands with other "things" and it's hard for God to fill my hands when they are filled with junk. There's a slippery slope between a lot of thngs I'm trying to figure out. Satan senses the desire to know more and the confusion that comes with it and attacks. Doesn't mean he'll succeed. My desire to draw closer to God is stronger than the will to throw in the towel.

3. I have good people in my life. I'm a lucky girl. I'm blessed beyond measure. I'm emotional but I think it's because God is continually preparing me. I thought I'd be prepared by now. I'm not. So I just have to keep going. And by God's grace I'm able to. And I'm at peace with where I am and where I'm allowing God to lead me.

Emotional mess but it's ok. At least it's a growing, seeking emotional mess and not an angry one. Progress...

Hello Insanity, have we met?!

When I was in KY I went to a corn maze. For my city friends, that's a maze. Made out of a corn field. I'm not sure what I was expecting but I was ill equipped in my high heels and pashmina. I was given a flash light and a "see you at the end." Apparently there were markers to let you know you were heading in the right direction. I don't think we found one until number 4 and then the next we saw was number 2 so we were lost. The corn was a good 3 feet taller than me and it was muddy and my heels acted like a suction in the mud. I was this close to eating mud a few times. But I never fell.

There were a few times I was kind of close to panic. And I wasn't even alone. I was walking through with my aunt and uncle. It seemed like a really sick parallel to my life. Walking into one wall after another with nothing to guide me but a moon, as if I knew how to find my direction from that, a flashlight and some really small markers. But I finally found my way out.

I feel like I'm stuck in a maze again. Maybe instead of corn its men, or jobs, or plans, but it seems like one dead end after another. At one point during that maze I wanted to just bust through the corn and get back outside, where I could see what was in front of me. I can't do that in real life. I bust through doors I know are wrong for me just to feel like I'm going somewhere but when you have to beat through a wall it's never, in my experience, the place God just forgot to put a door.

The past 3 years have been hell. And I don't say that lightly. Ask me when I bought my house. No idea. When did I get married? Not the slightest idea. When did my life completely and totally fall apart? I don't know...sometime over the past 3 years.

Honestly thought, at this point, something would have changed. A job, a plan, something. I haven't given up. Its been a hard fought battle to not sometimes. I meet someone special and I shut down because what do I have to offer? I get excited about a resume I've sent out but I hear nothing back. It's hard to keep treading water. It's been 3 years of keeping my head above water...I'm tired.

I won't give up. Too many people are praying me, loving me and encouraging me through this. I'm not sure what my intention was for this blog. To bare my soul to who know how many people read this wasn't my intention, I know that. I'm a pretty open person but I prefer to talk about the happy, good, exciting things going on. Not that after 3 years I'm still lost.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over the same and expecting different results. I get that. I understand. I'm just kind of at a loss as to what to do differently. I know what my heart desires, just not sure I know what the best way to get there is.

I'm in a corn maze of life. I'm not a lone. I have more than a flashlight and I have many people walking this course with me. Which is nice, because I'm still wearing my heels and more times than not I've almost face planted into the mud. But so far, when I'm this close to falling, there's always been someone there to remind me to keep going. I'm loved, there's a plan, and I'll get there.

And that, is the butterfly reminder God sent me tonight....

Where are my butterflies?

I guess it'd be funnier if it weren't me I was talking about. But I'm quite certain that if anyone can relate to anything I've ever said, it's probably this post.

Satan is on the attack. And it was as simple as making a decision in my heart to make some small changes to better who I am and that's all it took. It's funny, it's totally expected. Draw closer to God and Satan freaks out. I guess because Satan has been on the constant attack of so many people I love that I'm all too familiar with how this plays out. I've watched it too many times...

It's the subtle voices in your head saying you aren't good enough, you've tried to make these changes before, you're a failure, you don't deserve to have your dreams comes true, you weren't good enough before what makes you think now will be any different, go ahead and trust him it will just be more fun when he breaks your heart too.....

EXHAUSTING. These aren't truths. Why the voices that speak negative and lies resound so much louder than the voice of truth is, I'm not sure. When you open yourself up to have God lead and guide and mold and make and all, it's painful. Not because of what God is doing in me but what Satan is trying so so hard to avoid happening.

Me believing God's promises for my life. Me living the life God has designed for me to live. He didn't mean for me to be alone. And lonely. And sad. And doubting. I have to allow God to give me the strength and courage and fortitude to keep going. To mute the negative and rejoice in the truth.

Satan has no power over my thoughts. Satan you will not have my hopes, my dreams, my future, my plans, my family, friends or thoughts. You can keep playing your games, I've played them before and God always wins. Always. This game isn't at all what I was expecting and it's absolutely exhausting sometimes, but I'll be ok. At some point, this will all be ok...

Tomorrow I'm dressing w extra layers so when things are thrown at me they'll be more equipped to bounce off. Satan knows I internalize everything and take the weight onto my shoulders. And he uses that to weigh me down. I can't do it anymore. Its too heavy and too much to carry.

God, please lighten my load, help me to hear your voice only. The one that promises that I will soar like an eagle, that the plans you have for me are to prosper me and not to cause me harm. I will live a life filled with peace and joy. My circumstances may not change for awhile, but, thankfully, because of your grace and mercy, my hope and faith and joy aren't attached to things but to you. Please help me to remember that...

And if it's not too much to ask, I could really use a butterfly moment!

Bryce Williams and family

Please continue to lift them up in your prayers.

Reading his mother's online journal certainly puts things into prescpective and breaks my heart.

This little guy needs healing and his family needs comfort and peace.

Thank you!

The weight of my dreams...

Tomorrow is a new day. So many small changes I need to make and pray I have the will and strength to change them. For good.

It takes 21 days to form or break a habit I believe. I'm pretty sure that's 21 days straight, not with countless do overs.

Amy Grant sings a song "All I Have to Be"

"When the weight of all my dreams Is resting heavy on my head, And the thoughtful words of health and hope Have all been nicely said. But I'm still hurting, Wondering if I'll ever be The one I think I am. Then you gently re-remind me That you've made me from the first, And the more I try to be the best The more I get the worst. And I realize the good in me, Is only there because of who you are. And all I ever have to be Is what you've made me. Any more or less would be a step Out of your plan. As you daily recreate me, Help me always keep in mind That I only have to do What I can find. And all I ever have to be All I have to be All I ever have to be Is what you've made me...."

All I have to be is what God made me to be. I'm trying to take comfort in that and not the whole trying to figure out who and what that is. Because right now, try as I may, Satan has my ear and is whispering *shouting at times* that I still havent figured it out. Who I am, where I'm going, how to get there. Satan is throwing questions at me that as a control freak I want the answers to. God's answer to that is clear...the harder I try to be perfect, the more I fail. He created me to be who I am. Often times a much better person that I am. But I'll fail. As long as I continue to be who He made me to be, I can get through this transition of who I've been, who I've allowed myself to become and who I desire to be.

My changes aren't being made in order to gain anything other than the peace that only God can provide. When you're being what God made you to be. The weight of my dreams often lay heavy on my heart because I look at that obstacles in the way of living my dreams. God placed them in my heart, so the mountains will be moved and whether it's the lesson I'm learning, the humility in turning it completely over, the journey, the climb....whatever "this" is about, it's just a stop on the way to where I'm going.

I just have to keep going...

Bryce Williams

A dear friend of mine, Cal Williams, his 8 year old grandson recently found out has bone cancer. He starts chemo tomorrow and has a pretty rough road in front of him.

Please pray for Bryce's healing and for his family Shane, Michelle and Savannah Williams, and his grandparents Cal and Anna Williams. They are a strong, loving Christian family who I know would appreciate all the love and support through your prayers they can get.

This is his website if you'd like to follow his progress or leave them a note of encouragement.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/brycewillams

Looking back...

New year. Now what?

Been looking for a job for way too long. I know the state of the economy, I dont think the reason I don't have a job is because I'm not good enough. But the fact of the matter is, I NEED A JOB! If for no other reason than I'm going out of my mind.

I'm going to talk to a school advisor this week about going back. To school. Yes, me! I think I'm finally in a place mentally where I can concentrate for more than a hot second. I know I'd make a really good nurse. I know that when I've spent time with Nana, Popsy and Grandma in the hospital, how they felt was in large part to how they were treated by the people taking care of them. I've got all this inside me, it needs an outlet and I think being that person that helps people feel better when they are sick or a new mom or coming out of surgery would fill that void. We'll see...

I'm not one to make new years resolutions, I have journals filled page after page of resolutions that I hope to achieve every day. I heard someone say that God doesn't look for perfection, he looks for progress. BIG SIGH OF RELIEF. If I could have that as a constant reminder then I'd be way ahead of the curve. I'm my own biggest obstacle in whatever I'm trying to do. I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to not always make the best decisions but if I lose the lesson then I've failed. When you know better, you do better. That's what I will resolve to do. Better.

My best friend told me to stop looking back. But if I do then let it be to remind myself just how far I've come.

This year may not bring "the" job, or house, or husband, or *insert dream here* but my hope for me is that this year brings:

1. Acceptance of who I am, now, as I am. Not who I was, before *insert disappointment here*
2. Self Confidence to make the right decisions for the right reasons, for me.
3. Hope, laughter, friendship, love and healing!!
4. Learning to play guitar

Those aren't pipe dreams, well number 4 maybe...but the rest are resolutions of sorts I guess. I'm resolving to be a better person. A happier, more content, more me version of me.

This year may bring "the" job, house, husband. If it does it will be because I'm ready. And if it doesn't then I'll keep myself busy picking at the guitar I dont have yet.