It's 430am and I cant sleep. Been a long time since I've had insomnia. Have a lot on my mind I guess and a few things I need to get off my chest.
I'm still a mother. I don't have J in my life right now but that doesn't negate that fact that for 5 years I did. People that don't understand that used to hurt my feelings. Then I gave them the benefit of the doubt that they just didn't understand. Now I think I'm just done making excuses. If you have had the blessing of being a Mom to a child, or in my case, a Missy, that doesn't change because the circumstances may. Because J is a thriving little boy doesn't make my grief any less. Sometimes I feel like it makes it more somehow. Because the little boy I put my heart and soul into raising and loving and molded, he's out there. He's just not in my life. He's constantly in my thoughts and prayers and my heart but I can't hold him. I dont know what he's learning, I don't know how he's doing. I would do anything to have one of his hugs right now.
He's a brother. I think it's unfair that he's a big brother. It's my own selfishness but it hits me at the strangest times that he would have been a big brother to my baby. For whatever reason, it wasn't in God's will for my baby to make it. I've lost 2 kids, sometimes I don't think my heart will ever heal. Maybe because it's Halloween and I have such good memories of him dressing up and enjoying life that it's so raw right now. I miss him more everyday.
Spending time with someone who cries with you because they know your heart and your pain is like a big hug. And right now I think it's the closest thing to a hug I could take. Because if someone really wrapped me in their arms right now I think I'd break.
I have to give myself a break. It's only been a year. And with the holidays around the corner it makes me raw.
I have good people in my life. Some understand the choices I've made, others dont because they don't care to. It's easier to judge someone than open your heart to care enough to try to understand what a struggle it is everyday to keep it together. I'm blessed because I have enough people in my life that encourage me, pray for me, and lift me up with words that have been laid on their heart to try to ease the hurt. I am thankful for each of them.
I feel lost right now. I miss my life. I miss the stability of knowing that I could take care of myself. I've had to learn that taking care of yourself isn't tied to your job, or finances, or spouse. It's caring enough to keep going when you don't feel like you can. It's forgiving people who let you down. It's forgiving yourself when you let yourself down as well.
I'm moving on. Everday I'm moving on. It took someone really special to me tonight to love me enough to tell me it's ok to grieve. It's ok to hurt. I lost a lot. People may get tired of my saga but I'm done apologizing. Because I'm trying to be the best I can. God is the potter and I am the clay. It's a painful process to be molded but it's reassuring to know that He has the best for me. And for whatever reason I'm in the place I am, greater is to come. Greater is he that is in me, than he that is in the world.
I miss J. He's the best thing I was ever part of and I'm proud of my little boy. I'm proud of the mom I was and I'm looking forward to the day when I will be a Mom once again. God's timing is perfect. I'm reminding myself of that promise everyday!