Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Looking in the mirror

I watch the Biggest Loser. I've always kind of found someone I relate most to in their struggle for self acceptance, overcoming excuses or just their struggle to better themself. There is a contestant this year that was hard to watch because her struggle was much more personal. She lost her family...

They were lost in a wreck because someone careless made a very selfish decision that took their lives. Her entire world was lost in a moment. My life changed because someone very selfish made a decision that I had no control over as well.

I've often felt so alone in my struggle because no one could vocalize the pain and emptiness I was feeling. Watching her story unfold over the course of the last few weeks and to hear her talking through the pain in order to heal was heartbreaking for anyone watching I'm sure. I couldn't watch it, I've lived it, I was watching a total stranger vocalize my pain, my sadness and my emptyiness. It was harder than I imagined it would be.

Her circumstances for her loss we more dramatic and tragic than mine but I understood when she said she lost her whole life that day that the light in her eyes died and she wasn't sure what she wanted, how to live, how to open her heart to love again. When you lose your entire world in an instance your world freezes in that moment.

I remember the last night I saw J, he was at Mom and Dad's. He was angry with me because he didn't understand what was happening and why I no longer lived with him and Daddy. He lashed out at me, I tried talking to him but he was too upset with me to listen. I saw the confusion on his little face and the hurt in his eyes. I told him that I loved him and went home. My Mom talked to him and explained why I could no longer be in his life like I used to and after they talked he called me and told me he loved me and goodnight. I didn't know I wouldn't get to hold him or talk to him again.

The light has been out of my eyes. It's been out of my heart. I had to heal. From the inside out. It helped seeing her fight to get her life back. For her parents to get their daughter back and for her friends to have the person they loved shining again. She said when she got sent home that for the first time in 2.5 years she was soaring again.

From one broken hearted mother to another. I saw her struggle, I understood her pain and I rejoiced in her ability to believe, trust and fly again.

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know and you're about to step off into the darkness, faith is believing one of two things will happen. There will be something solid to stand on or you'll find your wings to fly."

I'm living proof of that...the floor fell out of my life but my wings are now strong enough to carry me. I just have to continue to let myself soar.

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