Sunday, October 18, 2009

Mirror mirror on the wall

The people closest to you can make you feel the best and the worst about yourself. Friends, family, spouses, whoever you allow to get close know best how to make you smile and what to say to make you cry.

I'm not sure how other people talk to themselves but I have a pretty honest dialogue going on in my head about who I am, what I do, how I act, what I feel. That voice wasn't always mine. It's taken me the better part of a few years to weed through the voices in the crowd of my ex husband, ex boyfriends, friends, family, employers, clients...anyone who's ever had a negative opinion of me is who I heard the loudest it seems.

For a long time the truth was drowned out by the shouts of "you're not good enough, you're not pretty enough, you should have tried harder, you should have moved on faster, you should be further along than you are, you shoulnd't have trusted him, believed her, you'll never be happy again" nauseum.

I listen to the voices. All of them. And I question each thing that's said to me. Do I have a victim mentality? Maybe. But I don't think so. When bad things happen to you they become part of your history. I haven't stopped living because of my past. It has changed me. Quite alot. But I haven't stopped trying. Am I good enough? I am. I've been stripped of all the "things" I thought for a long time accounted for me being enough. It wasn't my house, my fancy car, designer handbags, or realtor income. I don't have any of that now (well my purse collection but it's my current 401K so I'm keeping it around) but I feel more me than I have in a long time. I don't think I wasn't a good person when I had all that but I know now that I am who I am independent of those things.

I've come to understand that those who judge do it because they aren't happy in their own lives. And those who tell you how you should be, act or live rarely have a life I'm envious of. A lot of times they are hiding. Paralyzed because they didn't get the raise or the man or the job or the right hair cut. I may still cry more days than I don't but I continue to get out of bed. I may talk about the past more than I should according to other people but I do it as a reference to see how far I've come.

I've come to view my "past" as a medal of honor. I was hurt because I allowed myself to love. I have failed because I've allowed myself to push beyond my comfort zone. Sometimes I succeeded, other times I haven't. But I havent stopped trying. And sometimes I'm sad because I know what it means to be a wife, mother, employee, homeowner...And just because I'm not those things right now no longer define me. Because I have hope. I know the joy of being what I was. And I have the desire in my heart to continue to work to be those once again.

When I look in the mirror I used to see what everyone else told me I was. Now I'm choosing to look in the mirror and see the beauty of who I've allowed myself to become.


  1. FINALLY ....You are looking in the mirror and seeing the wonderful person God created you to be.... looking right back at you.

    Love the Blogs !! Miss ya. Mom.

  2. Love and miss you too! Thanks for the encouragement!