I hate planning things. Something always happens. If I fly by the seat of my pants then there's no expectations, just go. Supposed to hang with my Aunt and Uncle last night but they are sick (feel better.) Job interview turned out to be same stupid company under a different name that I "interviewed" with 5 months ago. They'll help me find a job. For $5000. Uh huh.
I made an internal pact with myself when I was in KY that I wouldnt fall back into the trap of entertaining "seat fillers" in my life out of boredom. I have enough friends, family, things to do to keep me busy without adding guys I'm not all that interested into because I'm bored. Sorry fellas, I'm not trying to be rude, just trying to get real.
Does it affect me that they are successful? Not one bit. Does it affect me that they are attractive? No, because most think they are more attractive than they actually are which is hugely annoying. Does it affect me that sometimes they are nice to me and others times they aren't? Used to. Quite a bit. Not anymore. Because I had a moment of clarity the other day that I'm not a confident poser. I'm not faking it til I make it. I'm actually quite happy with who I am. Yea, I know. That's the truth too. Everyone who asks me what I'm doing since I've been back gets the truth...looking for a job. Where do I live? With my parents right now. Do I have kids? Yes, thanks for asking I do. If we're friends for more than a hot minute I'll tell you about it. My emotional energy is spent on people I care about. If you become one of those people I'll be happy to share J with you.
I'm not being a snob. I'm not being rude or self righteous. I've just come to understand that what I am selling right now is myself to everyone I meet but first I had to sell myself to me. The current model. Not the one of 3 years ago that was fancy and flashy. The toned down version.
But this one comes with real friends, real family, faith in herself, the ability to laugh at herself and cry when the need is there. I no longer need seat fillers. It's nothing personal, it's just that I'm just really not that into you! I have shortchanged myself too long with pretty disasters wrapped up with a bow and a fancy dinner. No more. I'll order take out and work on my ego instead of stroking yours which is kind of already a little too big!
Wow. That felt good!