Saturday, February 27, 2010

Friends, mirror...please meet

So I"ve heard that friends are the best mirror to see who you are. True...good, bad and ugly.

Been a rocky few years, no surprise there. However, I'm on the other side of crazy and sad and I feel like I've come out emerged from the rubble as a better, stronger, more me, me. And I've seen different friends over the past week, kind of since I've had this new me awakening, and they've all recognized that I'm different. Which is great. But it also leaves some things in the wake that aren't so great...

I've run away. I've holed up in my own place for maybe too long in the eyes of some people. I've left some people behind and grown closer to others. It's a hard realization when you realize you've outgrown some friendships that you've had for a long time. It's also heartwarming when you realize you've strengthened the bonds of others. Good, bad and ugly.

I've made excuses to people, coworkers, friends over the past few years as to why I didn't meet their standards of whatever. Friend, coworker, cousin, daughter, aunt....all I can say to that is I gave all I had. Sometimes it was 100% other times it was 15%, but I can promise this...I fought the good fight. I got out of bed. Some days thats all I could do. Some days I surprised people with my strength. Other days I let people down, never more than I let myself down, I can promise you that.

However, on the other side of crazy as I said, I'm proud of who I've allowed this "meantime" to make me into. No one can understand. It's a very lonely process to go through when you completely have to start over. While still trying to be the best daughter, friend, aunt, coworker that you can be. That I made it this far is a testament to the prayers of so many people that believed in me when I was ready to give up.

SO...I'm on the other side. What have I learned? You can only give what you have to give and the people that understand and stand beside you and love you when you run away, hide, lash out or cry, those are the people you want beside you on both sides of crazy. I can't change how I was during the hardest 3 years of my life. I can tell you it's made me more empathetic, compassionate and caring towards those going through the struggles of life. I let people down, I didn't always respond or act as people wanted me to but I can say this with 100% certainty, I gave everything I had. And I can be as happy as I am knowing that they may not have been enough for them but it's all I had and I gave with all I could.

My life is about to change drastically. People tell me not to talk about it because I may jinx it or not to get my hopes too high but to that I say...I've fought the good fight. I have the battle scars to prove it. I'll never lose what I've learned. It's made me a better me. I'm proud of who I've become and I cant wait to see where God takes me. And wherever it is I'll continue to give my all I have. And if that's good enough for God, it's good enough for me. No more apologies....I have a reason to sing and I've once again found my voice. But more importantly I've found my desire to sing, fly and soar. Cheesy, perhaps but when you've been through the valley, how can you not sing when you're almost to the top. I have a reason to sing, because the pain I've been feeling, cant compare to the joy that's coming....and that's more than enough for me!

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