Big fat sigh. Today I was kind of amazed because I just thought out of nowhere, "I'm happy." No reason, nothings changed, I was just happy. And then I had a good night spent w a good friend and then had a good meltdown on the way home. Of course.
I have an interview Monday, for a job that could be a really good, fun job. Praying that God will open the right door and shove me through it if the job is mine. Haven't had a Jonas breakdown in a while but woke up yesterday crying from a dream I had about Porter. Then tonight the J breakdown came when I realize he'll be 7 next month and I haven't seen him in over a year and a half. Makes no sense to me and I can't think about it because then I can't breath. And I need to continue to breath...
Mike's Chair "Let the Waters Rise"
"Sometimes its so hard to pray when you feel so far awaybut I'm willing to go where you want me to, God I trust you. There's a raging sea right in front of me wants to pull me in bring me to my knees so let the waters rise if you want them to, I will follow you....You were faithful before, you'll be faithful again, Lord I'm holding your hand..."
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to stand still and quiet and just be. Because the winds blow, the storm rages, the storm comes and you just have to stand and be. Knowing that this season, this storm, this hurt, hardship or disappointment will move along with the storm clouds.
Weird to admit but over the past few weeks I've forgotten to remember that my life sucks. That I don't have a job, or husband or kids. Because my days have been filled with other things that are keeping me busy. But sometimes you just get slapped across the face with reality and it knocks you down, but it still, amazingly, hasn't knocked me out.
"I must swim in the deep cause you'll be next to me, You're in the eye of the storm and the calming sea, You're never out of Reach, God you know where I've been, you were there with me then. you were faithful before you'll be faithful again, I'm holding your hand. Theres a raging storm right in front of me wants to pull me in but I'll follow you..."
There is a raging sea in front of me trying to pull me down and under. But its been 3 years of raging storms and I havent drowned yet. Must mean that God had me treading water for some reason. Will it be a husband to build a life with or a job to bring some life back into me? Not sure and doesn't matter....
God's working in me and through me. And though sometimes I get down I haven't stayed there. I will follow God. Through the raging seas, through the pathways filled with butterflies...because both will be my yellow brick road to my future. Which comes first, the job or the man? We'll see.....Will continue to pray expectantly, and wait and see....I'm looking and waiting!