Thursday, February 25, 2010

Life's not a snapshot...

It might take a little time but you'll see the bigger picture...

There's a song by Josh Wilson called "Before the Morning" that says, "Once you feel the weight of glory, All your pain will fade in memory."

I just had a conversation with my mom the other day that I'm having a hard time remembering the pain of everything I've been through. And I questioned whether it was my body going into survival mode by way of denial to protect me from remembering the hurt. It wasn't. It's what you know but doesn't help when you start the process. Time heals all wounds. And it's been 3 years...

I've been in limbo, or the "meantime," for so long I've almost forgotten what it's like to not. Today I was thinking about this job I'm waiting to hear back on and I started crying. This job is more than I would have ever thought of. It's parts of everything I've loved from real estate and radio. It's traveling all over the country I've never really gotten to see. After trying for over a year to find a job, any job, thinking that I could have a job doing something I would love was just a little overwhelming. I'm seeing the bigger picture. God was closing doors because I was dreaming too small. And when you open your prayers up to "God, my life is totally in your hands, I don't know what I need but you know my heart's desires and my needs and I pray that you guide me in your way..." Your pain fades to memory in the hope of what your prayers and faith can bring into light.

I won't hear from this guy about the job until next week and it's been a test in patience but I'm ok with that. God's still prepping me for something. But I'm ok. I'm happy. I saw my best friend yesterday and she commented on it, that I looked different, I walked different, I was different. This is the me that has emerged from the pain and hurt. I've been molded and shaped and form in a new image. Not the one Jeff told me I was, or the one I let other people make feel like I had become. I'm happy. I'm blessed. I'm loved and I'm cared for.

"Cause the pain you've been feeling cant compare with the joy that's coming."

And it's the truth. My tears now are coming from an overwhelming sense of joy that I'm really in the midst of God's will. And I don't have a job. I feel like that job will be mine but it's not confirmed. I don't have a husband. I know that one day I will. I'm dreaming again of having my independence and own place and kids and on and on....the point being, I don't have any of that yet but it's ok. I'm full. With the joy that's coming!!

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