Sunday, February 28, 2010

Control Freak say What??

I used to have a dream, usually when I was stressed out about something aside of my control, that my teeth fell out. I'd wake up in a panic. After the years of torture I spent with a mouth full of metal, my smile emerged as one of my finest assets. I certainly don't take it for granted. I was always curious as to why I had that dream. Dr Phil had a segment about it on a show and said that people have that dream when they are control freaks, perfectionists, and/or vain. Check, check, check check check. The reasoning as I remember is that you can't control whether your teeth fall out and when you're trying to control other circumstances that's sometimes how your dream manifest that.

Not feeling great today. Fighting the swine, or allergies, or something so I spent a good portion of the day drinking cold medicine and sleeping. I was thinking during one of my bouts of being awake that tomorrow being Monday I could call Richard Tues to find out the details about the job. The I fell asleep and proceeded to dream, over the course of my 2 hour nap, that every single tooth in my head fell out. I"ve never had that dream. Usually just a tooth here and there. Toothless. Woke up in a panic and pulling on every tooth to make sure they were in good and tight. Who's obviously having some control issues?

But with that being said, I'm quite proud of the patience I've shown. I'm far from being accused of having an over abundance of it, but the Missy of Ole would have called Richard Sat morning, whether he was in Vegas or not. And I've not been cranky, moody or irrational.

Growth. That's what that is!

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Friends, mirror...please meet

So I"ve heard that friends are the best mirror to see who you are. True...good, bad and ugly.

Been a rocky few years, no surprise there. However, I'm on the other side of crazy and sad and I feel like I've come out emerged from the rubble as a better, stronger, more me, me. And I've seen different friends over the past week, kind of since I've had this new me awakening, and they've all recognized that I'm different. Which is great. But it also leaves some things in the wake that aren't so great...

I've run away. I've holed up in my own place for maybe too long in the eyes of some people. I've left some people behind and grown closer to others. It's a hard realization when you realize you've outgrown some friendships that you've had for a long time. It's also heartwarming when you realize you've strengthened the bonds of others. Good, bad and ugly.

I've made excuses to people, coworkers, friends over the past few years as to why I didn't meet their standards of whatever. Friend, coworker, cousin, daughter, aunt....all I can say to that is I gave all I had. Sometimes it was 100% other times it was 15%, but I can promise this...I fought the good fight. I got out of bed. Some days thats all I could do. Some days I surprised people with my strength. Other days I let people down, never more than I let myself down, I can promise you that.

However, on the other side of crazy as I said, I'm proud of who I've allowed this "meantime" to make me into. No one can understand. It's a very lonely process to go through when you completely have to start over. While still trying to be the best daughter, friend, aunt, coworker that you can be. That I made it this far is a testament to the prayers of so many people that believed in me when I was ready to give up.

SO...I'm on the other side. What have I learned? You can only give what you have to give and the people that understand and stand beside you and love you when you run away, hide, lash out or cry, those are the people you want beside you on both sides of crazy. I can't change how I was during the hardest 3 years of my life. I can tell you it's made me more empathetic, compassionate and caring towards those going through the struggles of life. I let people down, I didn't always respond or act as people wanted me to but I can say this with 100% certainty, I gave everything I had. And I can be as happy as I am knowing that they may not have been enough for them but it's all I had and I gave with all I could.

My life is about to change drastically. People tell me not to talk about it because I may jinx it or not to get my hopes too high but to that I say...I've fought the good fight. I have the battle scars to prove it. I'll never lose what I've learned. It's made me a better me. I'm proud of who I've become and I cant wait to see where God takes me. And wherever it is I'll continue to give my all I have. And if that's good enough for God, it's good enough for me. No more apologies....I have a reason to sing and I've once again found my voice. But more importantly I've found my desire to sing, fly and soar. Cheesy, perhaps but when you've been through the valley, how can you not sing when you're almost to the top. I have a reason to sing, because the pain I've been feeling, cant compare to the joy that's coming....and that's more than enough for me!

Friday, February 26, 2010

TO DO LIST IS DONE...Minus job confirmation...But still!!

I'm so proud of myself. The house is clean, my rooms are organized, my paperwork has been submitted to my attorney, I FILED MY TAXES AND fixed the toilet. Small things to you, been hanging over my head like a black cloud for years.


Nothing is in my way now. I don't have anything hanging over my head. I'm a contributing part of society and my friends. I get up, I do things, I make fruit salad, I go to dinner with my friends, i go shopping with my mom, I watch basketball with me dad. I talk to my Nana everyday. I. AM. HAPPY!!!

And I'm excited about next week. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me.

I can't remember when I've felt this me. And it's certainly a me I've never been.. But I am so proud of myself. I made it out of the hell and hurt and disappointments. And it didn't make me a bitter, angry, sad person. It turned me into someone who appreciates what people have to offer in knowledge by way of conversation. Its enjoying and laughing when something is funny. It's going to concerts with friends. It's sitting and having conversations with mom and dad. It's calling in to check on Megan and Kathryn. It's sharing stories as adults with Jenny and Ashley. It's loving my cousins and aunts and uncles. My brother and sister n law, Cooper, Porter. It's thinking about Jonas in a really loving way, it's forgiving Jeff once and for all and MOVING ON.

God was preparing me for something. It wasn't a job. It wasn't a man. It wasn't a lot of what I thought I needed. He was preparing me to be the new me. The one who has changed, grown and learned so much. And this me is a really happy, optimistic, caring me....

Refiners fire molded me into someone I'm proud to be. And that, in itself, is God's gift to me.....How much does God love and want to bless you? Ask him. I did. And he's showing me. More and more everyday! I'm blessed. I'm happy and I have a peace that has eluded me for far to long....feels better than I could ever say.

It feels good to be the new me! Finally!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Life's not a snapshot...

It might take a little time but you'll see the bigger picture...

There's a song by Josh Wilson called "Before the Morning" that says, "Once you feel the weight of glory, All your pain will fade in memory."

I just had a conversation with my mom the other day that I'm having a hard time remembering the pain of everything I've been through. And I questioned whether it was my body going into survival mode by way of denial to protect me from remembering the hurt. It wasn't. It's what you know but doesn't help when you start the process. Time heals all wounds. And it's been 3 years...

I've been in limbo, or the "meantime," for so long I've almost forgotten what it's like to not. Today I was thinking about this job I'm waiting to hear back on and I started crying. This job is more than I would have ever thought of. It's parts of everything I've loved from real estate and radio. It's traveling all over the country I've never really gotten to see. After trying for over a year to find a job, any job, thinking that I could have a job doing something I would love was just a little overwhelming. I'm seeing the bigger picture. God was closing doors because I was dreaming too small. And when you open your prayers up to "God, my life is totally in your hands, I don't know what I need but you know my heart's desires and my needs and I pray that you guide me in your way..." Your pain fades to memory in the hope of what your prayers and faith can bring into light.

I won't hear from this guy about the job until next week and it's been a test in patience but I'm ok with that. God's still prepping me for something. But I'm ok. I'm happy. I saw my best friend yesterday and she commented on it, that I looked different, I walked different, I was different. This is the me that has emerged from the pain and hurt. I've been molded and shaped and form in a new image. Not the one Jeff told me I was, or the one I let other people make feel like I had become. I'm happy. I'm blessed. I'm loved and I'm cared for.

"Cause the pain you've been feeling cant compare with the joy that's coming."

And it's the truth. My tears now are coming from an overwhelming sense of joy that I'm really in the midst of God's will. And I don't have a job. I feel like that job will be mine but it's not confirmed. I don't have a husband. I know that one day I will. I'm dreaming again of having my independence and own place and kids and on and on....the point being, I don't have any of that yet but it's ok. I'm full. With the joy that's coming!!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

To do list...done!! Well... almost

I have had a to do list with some things on there growing cobwebs. Finally finished it all. Tonight. In preparation of being really busy with my new amazing job and all. One last thing I suppose on my to do list...get job.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm ready for whatever God has in store for me. Could be another storm, could be a mate, could be a job (which, btw, I've already claimed as mine) but I know whatever it is, in the words of one of my favorite bands..."Whatever you're doing inside of me it feels like chaos, yet somehow there's peace." Couldn't have said it better myself.

I'm going to bed with a hopeful heart and rested mind knowing that when I go to my interview at 830 in the morning to meet with Richard that God has already gone before me and not only cleared the way for me but lined the door with butterflies.

I'm going expecting and thankful....finishing up my to do list with a job!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Answered prayers

My phone interview today went really well. The position is more than I would have ever looked for or thought about. And it just seemed like a perfect fit. I have a face to face interview Wed. I'm not being cocky in any way. But I feel like this is my job. I'm claiming holy boldness. I can rest in knowing that if this is the job He has prepared for me then there won't be any doubt. And if it's not then there will be something else. But as I said, I'm claiming with holy boldness that this is my job. I should be starting with in the next 30 days. I'll humbly explain that to them at my next interview Wed!

Only half joking really. I said a few days ago that when the right job, man, friend, opportunity comes my way I will know it, the doors will be wide open and it will be more than I expected. And that's how it felt today...

I haven't been one over the past few months to put something out there for people to know until it happens because I've been let down so many times. But I've also asked much of my friends and family in matters of praying for those who need it. And I know as sure as I'm sitting here that so many people are lifting me up in prayers. And I can't thank you all enough. Because right now I have peace, hope and for the first time in a long, long time, today I started making future plans. Because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel...

SO thank you for praying for me. My interview is at 830am Wed and I'll give all the fun, exciting, details after that if it's decided that this is the right job for me. Can't really contain my excitement though. Told some friends tonight I wanted to show up in the morning and be like, Oh, its not Wed? But didn't want to play the dense card before I have a job offer. Just really excited and it's going to be a long day tomorrow. But it's also given me the push to take care of the final few things on my to do list that have been on there much too long.

God's preparing my heart for something. And whatever that something is will be for me. And God knows the needs and desires of my heart. I won't let the promises that I know in the light turn to doubts and questions in the dark. God is not a God of confusion, of dangling carrots and rugs being pulled out from under us. He has plans. To prosper me and bring me joy....

Thank you for praying for me. Thank you for believing in me and thank you for celebrating with me when things are revealed that I've been waiting (im)patiently for!

I'll be back Wed morning....fingers crossed, prayers flying! :)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

I got a feelin....Yikes!

I have a phone interview tomorrow. And I feel about my next job much like I do about my next husband. There probably won't be a long courtship on either accounts, I've waited long enough, it'll probably happen fairly quickly...

I researched this job position best I could and it would be pretty great from what I can tell. But like everything else in my life I have to do the best I can, pray about it and turn it over to God. So I'm praying about it, tomorrow I will be as charming, real and educated as I can be over the phone and trust that if this is the right job for me I'll be shoved through the open door. No doubts, no questions.

But try as I might I can't control my fear. Hence, my ulcer. It's not an understatement to say that the past 50 times I've put my hope into something or someone I've been not only disappointed but just really let down. Guitar guy is a great example. He became a friend and it seemed he wanted to take it further and he seemed way too good to be true. I told everyone he would be able to break my heart if I let him in. And he's the one who faked cancer. And his death. At least I'm self aware enough to know that I'm dealing with sketch people now. I digress...

I'm not going to ride on the wave of "Don't let yourself hope because you'll only be hurt." This job may or may not be the right one for me. If it is and it's the one I've been praying for and God's prepared for me then the job will be mine and all the conditions will be what I deserve. Or maybe even more than I deserve. That's how God works. You get more than you deserve a lot of times, nice thing about grace.

SO all day I've felt this sense of foreboding. In a good way. I don't even know if that word means expecting something good...but whatever. All day I've felt anxious and hopeful that my life is going to change in a really good way soon. But this is where it gets tricky. I have that interview tomorrow. God has put this hope and excitement in my heart. If this job isn't for me then I have to hold on to that hope that something better is around the corner. A job, a mate, a new friend, a butterfly....

Whatever I'm waiting for and excited about is going to be more than I deserve. And for that, I'm both confident and thankful!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Which comes first, the chicken or the job?

Big fat sigh. Today I was kind of amazed because I just thought out of nowhere, "I'm happy." No reason, nothings changed, I was just happy. And then I had a good night spent w a good friend and then had a good meltdown on the way home. Of course.

I have an interview Monday, for a job that could be a really good, fun job. Praying that God will open the right door and shove me through it if the job is mine. Haven't had a Jonas breakdown in a while but woke up yesterday crying from a dream I had about Porter. Then tonight the J breakdown came when I realize he'll be 7 next month and I haven't seen him in over a year and a half. Makes no sense to me and I can't think about it because then I can't breath. And I need to continue to breath...

Mike's Chair "Let the Waters Rise"
"Sometimes its so hard to pray when you feel so far awaybut I'm willing to go where you want me to, God I trust you. There's a raging sea right in front of me wants to pull me in bring me to my knees so let the waters rise if you want them to, I will follow you....You were faithful before, you'll be faithful again, Lord I'm holding your hand..."

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to stand still and quiet and just be. Because the winds blow, the storm rages, the storm comes and you just have to stand and be. Knowing that this season, this storm, this hurt, hardship or disappointment will move along with the storm clouds.

Weird to admit but over the past few weeks I've forgotten to remember that my life sucks. That I don't have a job, or husband or kids. Because my days have been filled with other things that are keeping me busy. But sometimes you just get slapped across the face with reality and it knocks you down, but it still, amazingly, hasn't knocked me out.

"I must swim in the deep cause you'll be next to me, You're in the eye of the storm and the calming sea, You're never out of Reach, God you know where I've been, you were there with me then. you were faithful before you'll be faithful again, I'm holding your hand. Theres a raging storm right in front of me wants to pull me in but I'll follow you..."

There is a raging sea in front of me trying to pull me down and under. But its been 3 years of raging storms and I havent drowned yet. Must mean that God had me treading water for some reason. Will it be a husband to build a life with or a job to bring some life back into me? Not sure and doesn't matter....

God's working in me and through me. And though sometimes I get down I haven't stayed there. I will follow God. Through the raging seas, through the pathways filled with butterflies...because both will be my yellow brick road to my future. Which comes first, the job or the man? We'll see.....Will continue to pray expectantly, and wait and see....I'm looking and waiting!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Prayer Warriors...

Please pray for Bryce Williams. He's the 9 year old grandson of a dear friend of mine who was diagnosed with bone cancer in Jan. They found out yesterday that he will have to have his leg amputated in March. He's also back in the hospital as his fever spiked. He's having a rough time. I can't imagine the fear and pain and helplessness their family is facing. His parents are Shane and Michelle and his little sister is Savannah.

I know the healing power of prayer. Many people in my family, my mom being one, has been healed of cancer. I know we can't do much to make this easier on them but from reading her online journal I know they feel the prayers of so many. And it's pulling them through.

This week has been full of sad news. Some friends of our family passed away, some were expected some unexpected. Doesn't make it easier either way. Makes you realize how precious life and health are and really puts things in perspective. Tell your family and friends how much you love them and make up with someone you've had disagreements with. Life's too short and sickness and disease are unfair. It's the people going through it with you that means the most.

Xoxo and Godbless!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Nascar, Bleh

SO It was fun. Because I was there with fun people. Don't get me wrong, loved the first 5 laps. But 250?! Seriously? I don't get it. Just don't get it. I guess I'm just a football and basketball gal. I'm happy I went thought. Next stop...Keeneland. At least you get to dress up there and I'm pretty sure the horses don't go 250 laps.

Tomorrow starts a new week and with that comes new, exciting possibilities. No gluten, no dumb guys, going after new volunteer potentials and going to find a job. THIS WEEK!! Something good will happen. Banking on it, believing it, and speaking it as thought it will happen!!

I'm in a good place. Have great family, have great friends, happy with where God has lead me thus far. Looking forward, REALLY looking forward, to see where God takes me next. Really looking forward to God leading me somewhere. Soon. Like tomorrow...

Still working on patience. Clearly!!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Trucker hats, Nascar and Faith

Yep, going to the Daytona 500. Never been. Really haven't ever wanted to go but I'm excited. Going with my girlfriend and we're meeting some friends down there. Will be a fun, chilly Valentine's Day spent with 200,000 of my closest redneck friends! Got to find a trucker hat and flannel and I'll be good to go!

Found a new song that I love. Britt Nicole "Walk On Water"

You look around
It's staring back at you
Another wave of doubt
Will it pull you under
You wonder What if I'm overtaken
What if I never make it
What if no one's there?
Will you hear my prayer?
When you take that first step
Into the unknown
You know that he won't let you go
So what are you waiting for?
What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to alter you
You know you're made for more
So don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all It takes
and you can Walk on the water too

My insecurities try to alter me. But I know I'm made for more. I can't change my circumstances so until my circumstances change I'll continue to change me. And the changes that have already happened are making me believe I can walk on the water too!!

God knows my checking account, he knows my heart, he knows the clocks that are ticking. He won't let me go, he won't leave me out alone. If my faith is strong enough to believe I can walk on the water too it's because God is walking beside me. He won't let me go. What do I have to lose? My insecurities. And I'm ok letting those go. Finally. And God is with me. Always...

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Gluten and Drama free

Exhausted? Check. Nauseous? Check. Bloated? Check. Anxiety and stress? Check check. So apparently the culprit may be gluten. Who knew? As per the article I read I have all the symptoms (ALL) and so if I cut out the evil wheat then I'm going to have more energy, be less anxious and lose weight. Fabulous. Holding my breath...

Annoyed? Yes. Exhausted? Yes. Stressed? Yes. Frustrated and Over it? Yes andYes. So apparently I'm allergic to dating losers as well. I'm supposed to get rid of the emotionally unstable, ego driven, narcissistic munsons. And that shall reduce drama. Which it kind of already has. I've decided that men can take me on a date if they want to get to know me. Novel concept, I know. No more spur of the moment meeting for a drink or a quick bite. Date. Scheduled in advance in a nice setting conducive to conversation and witty banter. And if they are a repeat offender, I mean dater, then they must take me on a non conventional date. As I have a lot of seat fillers I'm hoping to weed through them fairly quickly.

SO, no wheat or gluteny things, no dramatic or emotional men. Will be an interesting study. Was my sick stomach and exhaustion paired with stress and anxiety a result of crackers and bread or bad men choices....

We'll see. Thankfully red wine is safe on both fronts!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Answers, please reveal theyselves!

I have good friends. They saw me through a really strange week. I was busy last week with dinner dates and concerts and parties and football. A week spent with friends doing fun things. IT was a good week. With some major emotional crap thrown in for good measure.

Still don't understand what happened to Guitar man, driving me a little mad. Roloff rolled off. Other guy I welcomed in and he hauled butt. My story isn't pretty but it's part of who I am and I wont let my past dictate my future. I wont. If I say it enough it's supposed to work. Right?!!

I'm going to bed with a better attitude. Things will be better tomorrow. They will be clearer and they will make more sense. I'll be able to let go of the things holding me back and walk through the doors that are open for me.

Guys can go to the wayside. They are nothing more than a distraction tangled in emotions, Right now my focus is on me and where God wants me to be.

I will find that job.
I will find that right man.
I will stop speaking negatively about myself
I will continue to pray with answers and rejoice when they come to me.

God is good and God is faithful. This week is going to hold some answers and I'm going to go find them!!

Just wait til you hear my answers being shouted from my house. With a big WOO HOO!!!


Friday, February 5, 2010

Will love find me here?

There's a song that I love that has a line "Love will find you where you are..." Does love come to crazy town??

Tonight I was reminded of a few things. My parents are loved and appreciated by many. We had a UK alumni reception for the president of UK. I was told by many, separately "You're cute, but you're parents are ad0rable." I know. One of my best friends came up to me and told me that it was freaking him out that he kept mistaking my mom for me. It's fun having more wrinkles than my mom. Really.

I'm blessed. More than I can express on here. And it warms my heart that outsiders can appreciate and love who my parents are. I lucked out in that department. As one lady put it, which honestly I don't understand but probably some others will..I'm living the life of Riley?! If that means that I have amazing parents, then yes. Yes I am.

It's hard going to Ponte Vedra. That's where J and J moved after they moved out of my house. And it was always a status of "We live in PVB." It was hard for me to get past. I had to drive past J's school many times for sales calls that I knew he was inside the building I was driving past and it took a lot out of me. Knowing they don't live there made it easier to be there.

I want the TPC lifestyle. Call it a pipe dream but I want it. I think I deserve it. 5 years ago I could have afforded it and then some but chose to live below my means. Now I don't have a job or much of anything else if I'm being honest but being in that environment tonight reminded me that I have dreams and goals and aspirations. And it's not coming from a pretension side of me it's coming from a different side of me...I want better than I have and I'll have it.

Will love come to me? I guess the answer to that is yes. I'm praying and believing and I know that I'll have my heart's desires. It doesn't have to be a house in PVB. I'll be ok with tickets to TPC...

Wherever I am, I'm growing. I'm knocking down walls and opening up...Love will find where I am. Wherever I am!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Can someone stop the ride?

What a weird 2 days I've had. Found out that a guy I considered a friend faked cancer and maybe his own death. Uh huh, welcome to my life. Who does that? I have gone through every emotion imaginable and yesterday I was half sad, half furious and today after learning the truth, I'm just really confused?! Because I don't even know the truth aside from "He doesn't have leukemia and he isn't dead." Maybe he didn't fake his own death but c'mon, he knows how many people are worried and wondering. Really..

I mean, seriously, who fakes cancer? I have had so many people praying for this man. None of this story makes any sense, it's like I'm watching a really bad episode of Days of Our Lives, starring me!

It makes no sense. He has kids, parents, family, friends, a good life it seemed. Is he really that low of a man that he would tell me he had leukemia and then just go MIA when someone posted a tribute page to him? Did someone hog tie him and take his phone and send out lies and are holding him captive? Is he running from a loan shark? Absolutely crazy! And maddening.

And to top it off I got stood up for a phone interview today. And I guess I kind of thought I was getting stood up in a way from guitar man because he just stopped all communication. After he told me he had cancer. And then I found out that he faked it. Really. Who does that?!

I'm going to wake up tomorrow and hear that someone really demented stole his phone and forced him to tell these lies because I can't let myself believe my con man detector is still malfunctioning!

I am trying really hard to keep a sense of humor and continue to believe that this is where God wants me. But I seriously need off the crazy train!!

Oh and apparently some people think it's weird that I blog and share so much of my life. Yes, it probably is. But who can keep all this to themselves?

Karma is a bad bad thing...

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Enough is enough

I feel as though I've taken up permanent residence in bizarre land.

This morning I got word that my friend who found out 2 weeks ago that he had leukemia had passed away. I was in shock and then I was a mess. I had tried calling him a few days ago and his phone was disconnected. All kinds of thoughts went through my head.

I then find out through another friend that someone had talked to his parents and he is alive, that it was a sick joke. There is a tribute page on Facebook that talks about him dying from leukemia after a short battle, there's pictures of him, people leaving comments.....???????

Should I be sad for the death of a friend of mine or furious that he's alive and someone would do this?

Satan is trying really hard to make me feel like I'm losing my mind. I have some crazy stuff that happens to me but this has gone beyond ridiculous.

Hopefully he hasn't passed on and this is just a really sick joke from a very demented person. And will be Chapter 18 in my book and he and I will laugh as we read it together.

The rate my life is going it's going to be a 5 part series...

Monday, February 1, 2010

3 stikes you're out, Roloff

So breaking up is hard to do. Especially when 1. You aren't dating, 2. You used to date and 3. You thought you were meeting for a friendly night of catching up when there was clearly an agenda you weren't aware of.

Very few people I let completely in. I'd say of new people who met me post crap, probably 2. This is the story about one of the two, who from here on out will be known as Roloff, my pet name if you will.

I could be mean. I could want to retaliate and boast to the WWW all his hurts and insecurities and flaws. But I wont. Because I'm not that type of person. I tricked myself into thinking he was a better person as well but I figured out the hard way first impressions and your gut are rarely off.

He was that guy that pursued me relentlessly who I finally gave into. He told me after a month of dating that he was falling in love with me then pulled the "you're moving too fast card." On me. Miss Closed Off. Because I was coming off a bad relationship, I took the brunt of the blame. Then 3 months later he resurfaces during a really hard time in my life and was my rock for a few weeks. Then he disappeared. And you have to understand, he knows everything about me. All my baggage, J, J, house, work...everything. And he allowed me to hear some really nasty things that were said about me by his friends. Twice. And I was really hurt. Twice. Then 4 months go by and he pops back in. I miss his quirkiness so I let him back in. We hung out a few times, had a really good time one night watching a basketball game and the next night either his ego or his insecurities, still not sure which, got the better of him and he made kind of a fool of himself. But we got over it. Until tonight when we were meeting to catch up. And as soon as he walked in I knew he was in a crap mood and of course the conversation leads itself back to something I did a year ago that he likes to make fun of me for. If I'm being honest, he makes fun of me quite a bit. So I walked out, sent him a text and "broke up" with a friend. He of course needed to feel like the more dominant one so he said it just got too complicated. Yea, because 4 days ago, out of the blue, he asked a stupid, moronic question...

I'm not using this as a platform to bash him. I have gotten kind of a wake up call where a few guys are concerned. I don't believe in karma but if I did...oh man, these guys are in for it.

The point is, Roloff said some really hurtful things to me. With the intention of nothing other than hurting me. And I didn't let him once, but three times back into my life. He's a seat filler. And if I listened more to my friends and less to the devil on my shoulder then I'd be much further along without a big bag of worthless guys who have done nothing but give me grief or frustration since I met them dragging me down.

SO....I won't declare a dating sabbatical because I'm 31 and that's just stupid. A girl's got to date. And I've got a few guys I'm getting to know better. I don't know what this is all about I just know that tonight I learned a very important lesson. Whether it's a sibling, a spouse, a friend, or an acquaintance, if their purpose is to hurt you and you let them, shame on you. I knew I was better than that, better than him, better than his environment. That's what Satan does though. In this case it was a big ego wrapped up in a little package. But I've dealt with his type one too many times. And of course it hurt, my ego was bruised and my confidence shaken. But only until I stepped away and remembered that I'm better than that.

And I actually believed it!