I'm trying hard not to let others dictate how I feel about myself but it's hard. Because to date you have to put yourself out there. I've never had a problem getting dates. I've never really even had a problem with guys really liking me. I have a problem though not doubting myself most every step of the way...
I went out with a new guy this week. And had a really good time with him. Have a few others I'm talking to as well. I was describing the first guy to Whit yesterday and the conversation goes something like, Me: "I don't understand. He's attractive, he's got a great personality, he's funny, he's caring, he has so much going for him, I don't understand why he's so insecure." Her: "Hi best friend, you just described yourself." Well when you put it that way.
Guys fall for me. Then they freak out because they fall for me and then they go weird. I go weird all the time but I don't for the most part show that side to them. I keep the crazy, neurotic behavior for my nearest and dearest. It's hard to keep going back out there, time after time. I'm not meeting crazy people. Aside from the dying, disappearing guitar man clearly. Most of the guys are good guys. I take something from each of them. Their sense of accomplishment in family, or business, or themselves. But it's a hard game to keep in when the players are constantly changing.
I can't complain too loudly because I know a lot of people who don't date or can't find a good guy to date. It's not hard for me, good and bad of it I guess. I don't want to keep serial dating. I'd like to find someone who falls for me and doesn't freak out because I'm better than they were expecting. That's my job.
My life is complicated. Always complicated. My life is chaotic. It's up and down. It's a big fat waiting game for a lot of things.
I know God doesn't dangle our dreams in front of us to tease us. Clearly there's some lesson in there I'm missing. Great job, dangling. Great guy, dangling. Great expectations for myself, dangling. I'm ready to pick some of this of the big fat tree of waiting that's casting a shadow over me right now.
Trying not to complain. Trying not to question. I'm praying expectantly. I'm praying faithfully. There just seems to be a disconnect between being shown what I want, having it in my life even, and not having it fulfilled. Right now. It's not my time. There's better out there. The best is yet to come. I hear it all and I understand the reasons behind saying it. Because the truth is there's nothing you can change to make it happen any faster. It's a process you go through. It's work. It's frustrations. I'm ok with it I guess. I've been living this way for at least 3 years.
What I'm not happy with is when Satan uses those moments of insecurity to make me think it's because I'm not pretty enough, funny enough, successful enough to have my dream come to be. It's a lot easier to transform your outer image than then inner. And it's loads of fun trying to to both at once.
I won't quit dating. I won't quit hoping for better. I won't quit praying for a start date. Somethings gotta give. I wasn't put on this earth to share my latest dating tales, failed job offers, frustrations and heartaches to the world. I'm made for more than this.
So, as this stupid old saying goes, what doesn't kills you makes you stronger. It's kind of just make me more aware.
But I won't give up. I don't know what I'm having butterflies instead of jobs. Reminders instead of relationships. I don't know why my life is where it's at. But I do still feel confident that it's here for a purpose. And I might have failed before but I'm not willing to give up until I find, have and hold what I deserve, want, and need.
I'm blessed with friends who love me enough to be honest. I'm blessed with family who loves me unconditionally and I'm confidant that all of this is not for naught. Something, someone, SOMETHING, is in store for me...
I'm guarding my heart but opening it enough to be faithful. If something can squeeze through the crack of my neurotic, crazy, self doubt, then it should be well worth the 3 years of meantime.
And I believe. At some point it will all have been worth being in the longest meantime known to man.
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