There's a song by the Zac Brown band that makes me cry everytime I hear it. It's a song from a dad to his son, about the drive he has to make to see him on the weekends. And how he hopes that his son knows how special he was and how even though him and and his mom couldn't make it work, it was the pleasure of his life to make the the time with him special.
No one can understand, unless they've been there. It's not a highway 20 ride for me but an I 95 ride for me. J was only 2 and Jeff was working out of town. J's mom had supervised visits once a week for 30 minutes. So it was me that took him. To Orlando. Once a week. To see his mom, for 30 minutes. I don't know why, but the other day I went to Walgreens, and had a flashback of me taking J to Orlando and he had messed his diaper. So I stopped at a Walgreens on I4 and changed his diaper in the back of my car. And had to stop the car at a Dunkin Donuts, or Walmart, or gas station to find his binky. The one thing that gave him comfort on the drive there and back.
I drove him to see his mom. For 30 minutes. Then had to take a crying little boy back to Jax who didn't understand why he couldn't see his mom longer. Why he had to see her with other people around. Playing with toys that weren't his, in a place he didn't know, with a mom who cried the whole time because her heart, too, was breaking. And whose dad was somewhere besides with us. A lot of the times somewhere other than with us. Me and his son. It was me who comforted him. Who gave him love. Who made him feel special and loved and wanted in those moments when he couldn't understand.
"So when you drive, And the years go flying by, I hope you smile, If I ever cross your mind. It was the pleasure of my life, And I cherished every time, And my whole world, It begins and ends with you. On that Highway 20 ride....
I made a mistake when I married the wrong man. I was deceived by that man. There's a lot of things I regret about my relationship with his dad. But I will never regret that I was in J's life for those years. "It was the pleasure of my life." And all I can do is pray that in his mind if he ever thinks about me, and God, I pray that he remembers me, that I loved him. I took care of him and I made sure that he was ok.
"I cherished every time." My whole world did begin and end with him. But my life, sadly, continues without him. One day he'll remember. He'll know it was the pleasure of my life. I have the pictures, I have the journals, I have the memories and the cards to remind him that he was the biggest part of my life. For a long, long time. But not nearly long enough....
I don't regret the hard times, the tough times, the heartache that we faced. Because his dad wasn't there, his mom couldn't be there, but I was. My parents were. And for the years he was my little boy was the most precious years of my life.
That has to mean something. It means everything to me and I know that at some point it will mean something to him. I pray for him, everyday. So many times a day. "A part of him may hate me, but please don't mistake me, for someone who didn't care at all." I cared more than I've ever cared for anything at all...
J will be in my life again. And I hope that he knows that he was the biggest pleasure of my life. I miss his hugs, our stories, our play time, our prayer time, our Missy and J time. I love him and he's never far from my thoughts and always, always on my mind....
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