Sunday, April 25, 2010

When silence is deafening...Like right now

I feel lost. I have to find a job. Have to. Can't take this not working thing for much longer. I have way too much free time on my hands. Too much time to think, obsess, over analyze everything. I'm going crazy.

Volunteer. Ok, let me. I've put in more phone calls and emails and applications than I care to mention with not one call back. Not one. For volunteering. For free...

Work where ever you can. Ok, hire me. I'm either over qualified, under qualified, or offered great, amazing, well paying jobs that apparently have no start date!

Date. Ok, if I can find a man who doesn't have split personalities. When you swoon after a date, time to run. Not going to end well. When you feel like the other person is too hot, it's true, something's gotta give. When you try to bs with a bs'er it's only going to end in huge amounts of head play that I'm not interested in. Better than that and not willing to play a player.

One thing. Let's hope for one thing positive to happen this week. Mainly and mostly a start date that is real, true and soon. Honestly not sure how much longer I can go without working. It's not about the money, although that would help with a lot of the stress I feel, it's about having something to do. To reach for, to succeed at, to be accomplished at. To feel like I'm contributing part of society.

The silence is deafening. I feel like I ask the questions about my life, my future, my tomorrow, the plans, the dreams and all I hear are crickets. I've heard that when you're feeling down God is up to something. I'm praying there's something equally reassuring about when God is silent he's about to bring in the band to celebrate or something.

I'm going through a self analysis. I'm analyzing everything to be honest, not just myself. Too much free time. But I'm going to do whatever I can to change my circumstances. And if that is just taking care of myself until God sends me in a different direction then that's what I'll try to do.

We're not guaranteed tomorrow. A girl I grew up with in KY was killed in a car wreck the other day. Her mom and brother are left with a huge hole in their lives. Bryce is fighting bone cancer and infections, his family is doing their best to deal with that. People are sick, challenged, hurting. It serves as as reminder of not sweating the small stuff.

A start date isn't small stuff, so may continue to sweat that just a smidge.

Blessed, trying to be optimistic and happy for the things I do have...

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