Friday, April 9, 2010

Meantime, schmeantime...

I feel like I'm the balled up pieces of paper that has the scrapped lyrics from someone trying to write the perfect song, story, or poem. I know God began a good work in me. I can pinpoint the moment I felt that. The moment that I knew that he was once again working in me and through me. But right now I feel like I'm getting the rough drafts of me tossed to the side. Again, and again. And again.

Lately I've felt like the useless scrunched up pieces of paper that had the promise to be a work of art but aren't. Overly dramatic but it hit home as I was trying to write in my journal. My journal is not a masterpiece. I never tear out pages and start over. Until this morning when I did. Over and over and over. I just couldn't form a logical thought. Still not sure I can. There's a mental block. Or breakdown perhaps.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I could go to a therapist or a psychologist but I think if I had a repeat of one of them crying because my life was so sad or the other one telling me that I had a really crazy life, I'd lose it. I'd freak out. I have a job. This morning was told that,again, by the Senior VP. They don't have a start date though, could be another month. Miserable. Carrot dangling in front of me. Great money, challenging job,'s yours. Sometime. Can't tell you when but we did tell everyone but you NO who interviewed for this position. And you will be perfect in this position. Once we can have you start...blah blah blah. That pays the bills. The promise of a job gets you really far in live!

I think I'm so emotional because I'm sitting in the fire. I feel myself literally sitting in the refiners fire. Molding me and making me into what he started guiding me to be. It's a painful process. Like getting a facial I guess. They have to dig up all the gross stuff under the skin and your face looks like a 13yr old boys for a few days and then you're smooth as a baby's butt. Yes, I likened my life to sitting in fire and looking like a 13 yr old boy. Told you I was emotional.

I don't know what else to say besides that. There's a lot more inside but I guess the time isn't right to get it out because it's not coming. So I will remind myself, and you reading this if you are feeling a little lost and left behind.."He who began a good work in you, He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it. Will be faithful to complete it. HE who started the work will be faithful to complete it in you."

Refiners fire. Pruning. Cutting off the dead so the life can grow. Painful processes. But the end result is a new you whom God created in His image, for his purpose, for the better of you.

He'll be faithful to complete it in me, if I'm faithful and allow him to continue the pruning...! There may be more dark days than light for now but when this process is over I know I'll be able to see what all the pain, learning, growing and healing was for...

So I'll say through my tears. I know I'm blessed. I know the plans he has for me are to prosper and not harm me. I know that he didn't bring me to it without him there to bring me through it. My life won't always be so confusing and I'll continue to be faithful, prayful and thankful through this still ever long meantime. And I'll be as patient as this girl knows how to be...

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