Tuesday, April 6, 2010

When you take the first step into the unknown...

"You know He won't let you go. SO what are you waiting for, what do have to lose? Your insecurities that try to alter you but you know you re made for more. So don't be afraid to move. Your faith is all it takes and you can walk on the water too." Walk on on the Water Brit Nicol

Last night was awful. The past few days were bad but yesterday was just really bad. I had to go to the drug store because they gave me the wrong meds so I'm fighting with the pharmacist there and left crying because I was so frustrated so I went to get something to eat to calm down. The kid in the booth behind me was probably 8 and his mom was explaining that he was going to have to spend some time w his dad this week and the little boy didnt want to then the phone rang and the boy had to talk to his dad and it was just a huge flashback of the same situation I had with Jonas a lot of days.

So I'm emotional and decide to get out of the house and go get dinner and sitting at a booth by myself and a family with 3 boys, prob 3, 6, and 9 sit down in front of me. I hear them talking about a train ride they took that day and school break and summer and all this stuff and one of the boy's names was Jonas. So I go from the sad lady in the booth in front of them to the crazy lady crying in her salad. It was awful. I was ~this close~ to losing it.

So I came home and had a heart to heart with mom. Cried more, talked through it and got some motherly advise. Went to my bible and spent some time there and then in prayer. Was honest with God, as I'll be honest on here. I've felt lost and forgotten lately. Satan has been playing on my insecurities to keep me pulled down. Not being a wife. Not being a mother. Not being an employee. But reminding me of the times I was. And how big a failure am I now that I'm not any of those things. I got angry. I got angry that my life is still in limbo. That some people who I love and care about aren't part of my life right now. Angry that people I love and care about are being hurt by people they love and care about. Tired of people hurting. Tired of people being let down. Tired of people judging, condemning, criticising.

I don't have the patience of Job. I'm trying. He said "Even though he slay me, I place my hope in him." I'm trying to be that faithful. But I'm human. And sometimes the pain and hurt and disappointment are more than I can handle. So I cry, I question, I pray, I talk through it and I move on. And I forgive myself, as I know He's forgiven me.

Faith of a child. Children don't know much, maybe it's a blind faith, but it's faith. Faith of a mustard seed. Have you ever seen a mustard seed? It's tiny. That's the thing about faith though, you just need a little bit because as I proved to myself last night, I felt like I was hanging on by a thread and felt like I was going to drop at any moment. But I had that faith,somewhere in the depths of my heart, mind and soul, that God was and is up to something. And even though I'm in the dark right now, if I hold on to that child like mustard seed of faith, I'll be able to see.

My heart is heavy for those close to me who are hurting, trying, facing disappointment, loss, anger and sadness. I pray that God finds them where they are and gives them what and all they need. As only He can and as only He does.

I'm blessed. I'm refreshed, excited and hopeful.

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