Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Something to believe in...me

I went to the dr today. And was told some news that I've known for awhile but chose not to listen to or take to heart. I'm ready to listen and take heart. I have to give up carbs. It will be better for my body, stupid insulin resistant, and hopefully wont make me into too much of a witch to be around.

I kind of had a come to Jesus meeting with myself tonight. Wondered why it's hard to look at myself as someone who deserves good things. Wondered why I've been so emotional. Wondering when I'm going to feel like someone who deserves good things to come my way. I'm not sure why I've taken this medium to let all my skeletons out and air all my laundry but I have, so why stop now.

I haven't felt very deserving of good things lately. That's putting it mildly. I've felt like a failure, and like maybe I can't really be successful at much of anything right now or believe in much because most of the things I've tried, I've not only failed at...but lost.

I failed at my marriage. I know in this case it's mostly 95/5 split blame with the burden of the failure falling on him. And I can say that with confidence seeing what number marriage he's on compared to me. However, I chose to marry him. I chose to place my hope and trust that when I pledged my life to him that it would be that, for life. That it lasted for such a short time still is hard for me. I feel like I failed. I can't imagine my life with him now, how miserable I'd be, how much hell I'd have endured at his hands. But it still is a loss and in my eyes, still a failure.

I failed at my job. Granted the whole staff got laid off but I was included in that. I was the leader of that. I didn't give 100%. I was going through a separation, divorce, seeing J battle, losing my house, learning a new job....some days I gave 80% others I gave 30%. But each day I gave all I had. And I made money for the company. And I won a bunch of prizes for doing a good job. But I still didn't live up to the expectations I set for myself. Going through those struggles or not, I feel like I failed.

I feel like I've failed my family. My friends. J. Myself. Somedays I believe in myself, most days lately, I haven't. Satan has been working really hard lately to remind me of what I'm not. And I've listened to him. In doing that, I've failed.

But tonight I took stock of where I've been and where I want to be. No one can take the first step into a better tomorrow for me, except for me. In living a healthier life. In working out everyday. In reading my bible everyday. In listening to the truth and not the lies, everyday.

I'm not old. I know that. But I'm old enough to know better. And I'm old enough to do better. I don't need my dr to tell me to eat right and get enough exercise. I don't need a pastor to tell me to spend quiet time with my bible, listening and being with God. I don't need my parents, family, friends, telling me that I'm ok where I am because I'm doing all I can do right now. I know for myself where I need to be. I know for myself where I want to be. Have I felt deserving of having my best? No. Have I felt deserving of having God's best for me? Honestly, no.

I heard someone say recently that you can trust God with your dreams. I haven't felt like I could trust anyone with anything lately. Because when I open myself up to hoping, I seem to get let down. But part of growing into who you're meant to be is believing that you are deserving of the best. That even though you have messed up, your past doesn't dictate your future. That even though you've hoped for things in the past that haven't come to be, doesn't mean that the dream you dream today won't come to be tomorrow.

I'm my biggest stumbling block. I've felt judged. I've felt like I've let people down. I've felt like my best wasn't good enough. No more. I have to believe in better. I have to believe that God has brighter days ahead for me then the dark I've been living in. I have to believe that even though I've failed in some regards, I've let some people down and I've given up hope at times, that my God is bigger than that all. I need to believe in myself. Because for God to work in my, he has to work through me, and I need to believe that I'm deserving of being that vessel that can be the change I want to see.

I'm learning. I'm growing and I'm blessed. God hasn't given up on me, it's time to believe in myself once again....

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