Friday, April 9, 2010

Happy 100th Blog!

How about that. I knew I had a lot to say but 100 blogs, impressive. And people are reading them. Even more impressive. Leave me comments, make me feel important.

So today was a growing day in my life. Woke up feeling excited, then defeated, then content. I wonder why I'm always exhausted, I'm on a roller coaster of emotions everyday.

I went out with a girlfriend of mine today and she said some things that really made me feel good about myself and where I've been and where I'm at. She met me when I worked in radio, as I was going through my divorce, my house stuff, losing Jonas....she didn't meet the best Melissa. I was talking to her tonight and feeling like I had to justify who I was and why I wasn't as successful as I feel I should have been in my radio career. But as I was talking to her I forgave myself. I cut myself some slack. I remembered where I'd been, what I faced and what I've come through.

No one needs a reminder but I feel it's important to myself, to gain some perspective, if nothing else. I lost my marriage. I lost a baby. I lost my job. I lost Jonas. I lost the promise of a lifetime when the man I married decided I wasn't what he wanted. I lost my savings, I lost myself. Within 6 months. And I survived. I still struggle. I have a home that my parents have so graciously opened up to their adult daughter. I have a job that one day soon I hope to actually start. I have so many good memories of J that I can't list them all. Potty training, abc's, him telling me that I was the most beautiful Missy, funny stories, trying times, all worth it. I wouldn't trade all the hell I went through for the 4 years I had with J. I miss him, I love him, I'm letting him go. As best as I know how. I pray for him and ache for him every day but I know that one day he'll be part of my life again.

Reading back through some of my blogs you can trace the ebbs and flows of growing. You can clearly see when I'm hurting and when I'm thriving. I'm not one who has ever been able to do anything but wear my emotions on my sleeve. And I'm ok with that. Hopefully if people ever look at me and my life they can see that I've never given up. I've wanted to, I've been overwhelmed and I've felt lost, but I have never lost my way.

I'm not sure why God has us go through tough times. I know he doesn't cause them. I'm not asking why me. I'm just wondering where this growth and knowledge and compassion that I've gained is going to take me.

I'm meant to be a mother. Out of all the things I've lost, being a mother is the one thing that hurts everyday. My little boy is out there, maybe at soccer practice, maybe at the beach, maybe at school. I don't know. But God knew the family he was placing J into, even if it was a much shorter period of time than I can understand, for a reason. We served a purpose. And I know God doesn't make mistakes.

I've felt like a disappointment in my grief lately. I wasn't able to put on a big smile and act as though I was ok. I wasn't. I've been hurting, I've been vulnerable, I've been sensitive. But I've also been praying, seeking and listening.

God's not trying to break me. Satan may try, as he's been full throttle, but God's trying to build me up. To build me into what he wants me to be. Our time tables are off. My sense of urgency is now. His is to be still and know that He is God. My plans are I need this job to start tomorrow. His plans are to prosper me and help me.

I've not been the poster child of how best to deal in crisis. But I'm done with that. I'm done making excuses for hurting, for grieving, for being sad. God never promised it would be easy, he only promised we wouldn't be alone. And I haven't been alone in any of this.

I'm ready for change. I'm ready for something new and different and exciting. I know how hard I pray for Jonas. I know how much more people are praying for me right now.

So thank you. For believing in me, encouraging me, wiping my tears as they come and believing in my better tomorrow. My pain was shared and it got me through, That my joy will be shared makes me feel renewed.

I don't know what tomorrow brings. But I know in who's hands it rests. God has dreams, jobs, babies, husband(no s' needed) He has a plan and a will and a future for me.

I'm not ungrateful, sometimes just overwhelmed. I'm not discouraged, though sometimes feeling lost. I'm not where I need to be but thank you God I'm not where I was.

Blog 101....Another new beginning, Blessed, loved and highly favored! Thank you for believing in the God I believe, thank you for the prayers of the faithful and thank you for never, never, never giving up on me, even when it would have been so much easier to do so. I love you all!! Thank you!

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