Thursday, April 29, 2010

Place that made me, me

Spent the day cooking and shopping with Andi getting ready for the derby party. Then we sat outside and her, John and I reminisced about KY, Russel, people we knew, how small the world is.

Friends from home are different from friends here. I guess people in general are different here than from KY. We're cut from the same cloth up there. They understand family dynamics, they understand things that don't need to be explained. It feels like I'm home when I'm with them. They know what spittin distance is. Makes conversations easier.

In the words of Miranda Lambert, "I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am..." I feel lost sometimes. Then I get around the people that know me best and I'm reminded of who I am and where I come from . It's uncomfortable sometimes to be held to the looking glass that brings who you are to the forefront. When faced with that truth, do I even know who I am anymore?

Time is a funny, strange thing. Somethings seem like yesterday, others a lifetime ago. I can't believe it's been 3 years since my miscarriage. Almost 2 years since I've last seen Jonas. 6 years since Grandma died. If I could just have a conversation between me and Grandma that we used to have, would things makes sense? If I hadn't had my miscarriage I'd have a baby older than Trey. If Jonas were still in my life, what would that mean to me??

Dad is retiring this year, he'll be 60. My dad will be 60. Strange. One one hand he's a grandfather who's close to retiring. But my dad will forever be my Daddy, and I count myself as one of the luckiest people in the world because if that. My mom is my best friend. She's who I want to tell everything to and run everything by. A lot of people don't have that. I can't imagine how empty and sad people's lives are if they have the parents I do and don't take advantage of the love and peace that comes from being so loved. I'm one lucky, lucky gal.

I don't know where I'm going. I know where I've been. Some I'm proud of, some I'd be happy to erase, however, it's all made me into who I am today....

There's brokenness inside of me that still needs healing. And where better to be to get that healing than in the house, with the people, who built me.

I want to make them proud. Sometimes I wonder and forget who I am. But I've never forgotten where I came from...2 of the most amazing people that I know. My parents.

I'm not where I'm meant to be but thank you God, thank you Nana, thank you Mom and Dad for loving me through this ever long time of being this me, in my life. I know you'll rejoice the loudest and proudest when I'm moved to the next stage of my life. And life is frail. It's fast, it's something that you blink and is gone. I want to make you proud in every moment and I want to say thank you for having such a wonderful place of safety that I can come back to and call home.

It's the place, and players, that have made me, me.

I'm more blessed than I deserve! One lucky girl!

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