Thursday, April 29, 2010

Place that made me, me

Spent the day cooking and shopping with Andi getting ready for the derby party. Then we sat outside and her, John and I reminisced about KY, Russel, people we knew, how small the world is.

Friends from home are different from friends here. I guess people in general are different here than from KY. We're cut from the same cloth up there. They understand family dynamics, they understand things that don't need to be explained. It feels like I'm home when I'm with them. They know what spittin distance is. Makes conversations easier.

In the words of Miranda Lambert, "I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am..." I feel lost sometimes. Then I get around the people that know me best and I'm reminded of who I am and where I come from . It's uncomfortable sometimes to be held to the looking glass that brings who you are to the forefront. When faced with that truth, do I even know who I am anymore?

Time is a funny, strange thing. Somethings seem like yesterday, others a lifetime ago. I can't believe it's been 3 years since my miscarriage. Almost 2 years since I've last seen Jonas. 6 years since Grandma died. If I could just have a conversation between me and Grandma that we used to have, would things makes sense? If I hadn't had my miscarriage I'd have a baby older than Trey. If Jonas were still in my life, what would that mean to me??

Dad is retiring this year, he'll be 60. My dad will be 60. Strange. One one hand he's a grandfather who's close to retiring. But my dad will forever be my Daddy, and I count myself as one of the luckiest people in the world because if that. My mom is my best friend. She's who I want to tell everything to and run everything by. A lot of people don't have that. I can't imagine how empty and sad people's lives are if they have the parents I do and don't take advantage of the love and peace that comes from being so loved. I'm one lucky, lucky gal.

I don't know where I'm going. I know where I've been. Some I'm proud of, some I'd be happy to erase, however, it's all made me into who I am today....

There's brokenness inside of me that still needs healing. And where better to be to get that healing than in the house, with the people, who built me.

I want to make them proud. Sometimes I wonder and forget who I am. But I've never forgotten where I came from...2 of the most amazing people that I know. My parents.

I'm not where I'm meant to be but thank you God, thank you Nana, thank you Mom and Dad for loving me through this ever long time of being this me, in my life. I know you'll rejoice the loudest and proudest when I'm moved to the next stage of my life. And life is frail. It's fast, it's something that you blink and is gone. I want to make you proud in every moment and I want to say thank you for having such a wonderful place of safety that I can come back to and call home.

It's the place, and players, that have made me, me.

I'm more blessed than I deserve! One lucky girl!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Best friend to the rescue...

At Whitney's. Love these people. Seriously, she's why I'm sane. And I say that tongue in cheek because I'm half past crazy. But nothing to do with her. Obviously.

It's been a wild and crazy few days. I've had guys I'm talking to from both ends of the spectrum, literally, and I'm trying to figure out what and who is best for me. It's a total crap shoot when you're dating who is going to pan out, or make you happy, or make you better, or more crazy, but it's always entertaining if nothing else.

Talked to the boss man tonight and as much as it seems to others that I might be getting the run around, his story has remained consistent and he's been honest with me from the start. As I've said, my sense of urgency to start was yesterday, his has been when the time is right. Which is a big fat lesson in itself.

I'm happy with my life. Suffice it to say I'd be happier if certain things were in order and less chaotic but I can't dismiss the good that is in my life. Spending time with your best friend is a really great mirror and reminder of who you've been, where you're going and what you're becoming.

My life is crazy. Always chaotic and never, never short on really entertaining stories. Can't say I'd change it. I'll be better when I'm settled with the right job, the right man, and the right story book chapters but even as I right that I was going to say story book ending. It's not. It's a constant progression of learning, growing, and evolving.

I may not be exactly where I want to be or anticipated but I couldn't be happier with the people who are on this journey of crazy I'm on.

I'm blessed, I'm loved and I have an amazing best friend who makes me feel like everything is going to be ok!!

Monday, April 26, 2010

3 strike rule

My life doesn't totally suck. Have to keep reminding myself of that.

Spent the entire day Sat on my friend's dads 46' boat. With good friends. On a beautiful day. Cruising to St Aug, hanging out at a tiki bar, then cruising back.

My parents continue to amaze me in their love and support. They may be ready to kick me to the curb and clip my strings but they never make me feel like anything less than loved, welcomed, special and encouraged.

My extended family. They're supportive, encouraging, prayful....I can talk to them. I have been especially blessed with the family I have.

My friends keep me sane. There's been more than a few people that have judged me, hurt me, made me cry more times than I should have allowed. I'm thankful for the people I have in my life who listen, offer criticism when needed, tough love when I don't always want it, a shoulder to lean on, a friend to laugh with, share stories with, to tell me that I'm too pretty to cry over guys even when I know it's not true. I have enough good people, not going to let the other's take space. Im forgiving, it's my nature to forgive more times than I should. That a lot of times keeps people in my life who I need to let go. I'm going to start letting the mean people go. 3 strikes!

Have a lunch date tomorrow. After a crazy week last week with a guy much too hot to be taken seriously, I'm going out with someone who I know from way back when who is a genuinely nice person. For sushi. Yum! Dinner with another friend tomorrow night then Wed I'm going to Whit's, miss her and the kids! Fri is a friend's bday and Sat is Derby Day! Busy busy. And in between becoming tanorexic. But with sunscreen, of course!

Losing weight, finding jobs, finding myself, loving my friends and family. Getting back to the basics of life. Feels good!

Growing up. Continually changing, learning, seeking and praying for guidance to be the best person I can. I fail. More times than not sometimes. The people I choose to surround myself with are the ones who don't judge when I fall but help me get back up. It's taken me awhile to get there but I am...

Be nice people. It's amazing how much easier it is than being mean! And how much better it feels to make someone smile than cry!

Blessed, happy and tan! :)

Sunday, April 25, 2010

When silence is deafening...Like right now

I feel lost. I have to find a job. Have to. Can't take this not working thing for much longer. I have way too much free time on my hands. Too much time to think, obsess, over analyze everything. I'm going crazy.

Volunteer. Ok, let me. I've put in more phone calls and emails and applications than I care to mention with not one call back. Not one. For volunteering. For free...

Work where ever you can. Ok, hire me. I'm either over qualified, under qualified, or offered great, amazing, well paying jobs that apparently have no start date!

Date. Ok, if I can find a man who doesn't have split personalities. When you swoon after a date, time to run. Not going to end well. When you feel like the other person is too hot, it's true, something's gotta give. When you try to bs with a bs'er it's only going to end in huge amounts of head play that I'm not interested in. Better than that and not willing to play a player.

One thing. Let's hope for one thing positive to happen this week. Mainly and mostly a start date that is real, true and soon. Honestly not sure how much longer I can go without working. It's not about the money, although that would help with a lot of the stress I feel, it's about having something to do. To reach for, to succeed at, to be accomplished at. To feel like I'm contributing part of society.

The silence is deafening. I feel like I ask the questions about my life, my future, my tomorrow, the plans, the dreams and all I hear are crickets. I've heard that when you're feeling down God is up to something. I'm praying there's something equally reassuring about when God is silent he's about to bring in the band to celebrate or something.

I'm going through a self analysis. I'm analyzing everything to be honest, not just myself. Too much free time. But I'm going to do whatever I can to change my circumstances. And if that is just taking care of myself until God sends me in a different direction then that's what I'll try to do.

We're not guaranteed tomorrow. A girl I grew up with in KY was killed in a car wreck the other day. Her mom and brother are left with a huge hole in their lives. Bryce is fighting bone cancer and infections, his family is doing their best to deal with that. People are sick, challenged, hurting. It serves as as reminder of not sweating the small stuff.

A start date isn't small stuff, so may continue to sweat that just a smidge.

Blessed, trying to be optimistic and happy for the things I do have...

Friday, April 23, 2010

Guard your heart but open it enough to get annoyed

I'm trying hard not to let others dictate how I feel about myself but it's hard. Because to date you have to put yourself out there. I've never had a problem getting dates. I've never really even had a problem with guys really liking me. I have a problem though not doubting myself most every step of the way...

I went out with a new guy this week. And had a really good time with him. Have a few others I'm talking to as well. I was describing the first guy to Whit yesterday and the conversation goes something like, Me: "I don't understand. He's attractive, he's got a great personality, he's funny, he's caring, he has so much going for him, I don't understand why he's so insecure." Her: "Hi best friend, you just described yourself." Well when you put it that way.

Guys fall for me. Then they freak out because they fall for me and then they go weird. I go weird all the time but I don't for the most part show that side to them. I keep the crazy, neurotic behavior for my nearest and dearest. It's hard to keep going back out there, time after time. I'm not meeting crazy people. Aside from the dying, disappearing guitar man clearly. Most of the guys are good guys. I take something from each of them. Their sense of accomplishment in family, or business, or themselves. But it's a hard game to keep in when the players are constantly changing.

I can't complain too loudly because I know a lot of people who don't date or can't find a good guy to date. It's not hard for me, good and bad of it I guess. I don't want to keep serial dating. I'd like to find someone who falls for me and doesn't freak out because I'm better than they were expecting. That's my job.

My life is complicated. Always complicated. My life is chaotic. It's up and down. It's a big fat waiting game for a lot of things.

I know God doesn't dangle our dreams in front of us to tease us. Clearly there's some lesson in there I'm missing. Great job, dangling. Great guy, dangling. Great expectations for myself, dangling. I'm ready to pick some of this of the big fat tree of waiting that's casting a shadow over me right now.

Trying not to complain. Trying not to question. I'm praying expectantly. I'm praying faithfully. There just seems to be a disconnect between being shown what I want, having it in my life even, and not having it fulfilled. Right now. It's not my time. There's better out there. The best is yet to come. I hear it all and I understand the reasons behind saying it. Because the truth is there's nothing you can change to make it happen any faster. It's a process you go through. It's work. It's frustrations. I'm ok with it I guess. I've been living this way for at least 3 years.

What I'm not happy with is when Satan uses those moments of insecurity to make me think it's because I'm not pretty enough, funny enough, successful enough to have my dream come to be. It's a lot easier to transform your outer image than then inner. And it's loads of fun trying to to both at once.

I won't quit dating. I won't quit hoping for better. I won't quit praying for a start date. Somethings gotta give. I wasn't put on this earth to share my latest dating tales, failed job offers, frustrations and heartaches to the world. I'm made for more than this.

So, as this stupid old saying goes, what doesn't kills you makes you stronger. It's kind of just make me more aware.

But I won't give up. I don't know what I'm having butterflies instead of jobs. Reminders instead of relationships. I don't know why my life is where it's at. But I do still feel confident that it's here for a purpose. And I might have failed before but I'm not willing to give up until I find, have and hold what I deserve, want, and need.

I'm blessed with friends who love me enough to be honest. I'm blessed with family who loves me unconditionally and I'm confidant that all of this is not for naught. Something, someone, SOMETHING, is in store for me...

I'm guarding my heart but opening it enough to be faithful. If something can squeeze through the crack of my neurotic, crazy, self doubt, then it should be well worth the 3 years of meantime.

And I believe. At some point it will all have been worth being in the longest meantime known to man.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Well well well...

Interesting how things play out. It's raining men. Of course. Never fails, feast or famine. Will never understand that. I met a guy the other night and we went to dinner tonight. Super nice, funny, loves his family, guy. And hot. But anyhow, was nice to be asked on a date. Was even nicer being asked out on a 2nd date at the end of first date. And even nicer that he's going to go with me on my friends birthday boating day Say. Yay for unexpected surprises in the way of a nice guy.

Dad's doing pretty well from his surgery. Thanks for everyone's prayers and concern. I'm calling him RoboDad with all his new parts holding him together. He should be on his way to good as new by retirement.

Some people I just don't understand. My heart is heavy for some things and people right now so I continue to do what I know to do and pray. For their heart's, for my heart, for the circumstances and situations. God will take care of it. He always does.

My confidence is showing her face again. Last few weeks have been tough. This week I see that my life really does have meaning, and a plan, and as frustrating and heartbreaking and lonely as waiting is, there's a reason. I can't figure it out, drove myself crazy trying. So I guess that is the lesson in waiting. Not your job to figure it out, just your job to keep moving. Keep believing and keep going.

I have all these balls in the air and I'd like to say I'm juggling them but I'm not. And honestly I've been waiting for them to drop. And that does nothing but cause anxiety. Everything I've been through was for some reason. Everything I've not gotten has been because something better was around the corner. Everything I've been hoping and dreaming and waiting for is out there, up in the air right now, and when the time is right, I'll be able to catch them and know what to do with them.

I'm still in the, wondering what the heck my life is about to reveal portion of this chapter, but it's ok. I'll never stop being curious, hopefully will stop being so impatient and will never stop believing that my best days, my husband, my job, my kids and my best life is ahead of me. How far ahead I dont know. But it's there. The more I move forward the closer it comes.

So, that's all. Going to put on my jogging shoes now!! xo

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Hiwghway 20 Ride

There's a song by the Zac Brown band that makes me cry everytime I hear it. It's a song from a dad to his son, about the drive he has to make to see him on the weekends. And how he hopes that his son knows how special he was and how even though him and and his mom couldn't make it work, it was the pleasure of his life to make the the time with him special.

No one can understand, unless they've been there. It's not a highway 20 ride for me but an I 95 ride for me. J was only 2 and Jeff was working out of town. J's mom had supervised visits once a week for 30 minutes. So it was me that took him. To Orlando. Once a week. To see his mom, for 30 minutes. I don't know why, but the other day I went to Walgreens, and had a flashback of me taking J to Orlando and he had messed his diaper. So I stopped at a Walgreens on I4 and changed his diaper in the back of my car. And had to stop the car at a Dunkin Donuts, or Walmart, or gas station to find his binky. The one thing that gave him comfort on the drive there and back.

I drove him to see his mom. For 30 minutes. Then had to take a crying little boy back to Jax who didn't understand why he couldn't see his mom longer. Why he had to see her with other people around. Playing with toys that weren't his, in a place he didn't know, with a mom who cried the whole time because her heart, too, was breaking. And whose dad was somewhere besides with us. A lot of the times somewhere other than with us. Me and his son. It was me who comforted him. Who gave him love. Who made him feel special and loved and wanted in those moments when he couldn't understand.

"So when you drive, And the years go flying by, I hope you smile, If I ever cross your mind. It was the pleasure of my life, And I cherished every time, And my whole world, It begins and ends with you. On that Highway 20 ride....

I made a mistake when I married the wrong man. I was deceived by that man. There's a lot of things I regret about my relationship with his dad. But I will never regret that I was in J's life for those years. "It was the pleasure of my life." And all I can do is pray that in his mind if he ever thinks about me, and God, I pray that he remembers me, that I loved him. I took care of him and I made sure that he was ok.

"I cherished every time." My whole world did begin and end with him. But my life, sadly, continues without him. One day he'll remember. He'll know it was the pleasure of my life. I have the pictures, I have the journals, I have the memories and the cards to remind him that he was the biggest part of my life. For a long, long time. But not nearly long enough....

I don't regret the hard times, the tough times, the heartache that we faced. Because his dad wasn't there, his mom couldn't be there, but I was. My parents were. And for the years he was my little boy was the most precious years of my life.

That has to mean something. It means everything to me and I know that at some point it will mean something to him. I pray for him, everyday. So many times a day. "A part of him may hate me, but please don't mistake me, for someone who didn't care at all." I cared more than I've ever cared for anything at all...

J will be in my life again. And I hope that he knows that he was the biggest pleasure of my life. I miss his hugs, our stories, our play time, our prayer time, our Missy and J time. I love him and he's never far from my thoughts and always, always on my mind....


3 days with no carbs and no sugar and I haven't killed anyone. Haven't even wanted to!!

Busy next few weeks. Dad's surgery tomorrow, please keep him in your prayers. Going to Whit's, Birthday bash for 2 of my friends on a big boat, Derby Party, hopefully starting a job soon....

Going to do what I can and continue to have a (mostly) good attitude. That is also getting easier. Maybe the carbs weren't just poison to my body but also my mind?! What if it were that simple. Skinny, positive, excited and healthy all in the next few months! Done!

Blessed for many reason, most of all my family!! I'm a lucky, lucky girl!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Something to believe

I went to the dr today. And was told some news that I've known for awhile but chose not to listen to or take to heart. I'm ready to listen and take heart. I have to give up carbs. It will be better for my body, stupid insulin resistant, and hopefully wont make me into too much of a witch to be around.

I kind of had a come to Jesus meeting with myself tonight. Wondered why it's hard to look at myself as someone who deserves good things. Wondered why I've been so emotional. Wondering when I'm going to feel like someone who deserves good things to come my way. I'm not sure why I've taken this medium to let all my skeletons out and air all my laundry but I have, so why stop now.

I haven't felt very deserving of good things lately. That's putting it mildly. I've felt like a failure, and like maybe I can't really be successful at much of anything right now or believe in much because most of the things I've tried, I've not only failed at...but lost.

I failed at my marriage. I know in this case it's mostly 95/5 split blame with the burden of the failure falling on him. And I can say that with confidence seeing what number marriage he's on compared to me. However, I chose to marry him. I chose to place my hope and trust that when I pledged my life to him that it would be that, for life. That it lasted for such a short time still is hard for me. I feel like I failed. I can't imagine my life with him now, how miserable I'd be, how much hell I'd have endured at his hands. But it still is a loss and in my eyes, still a failure.

I failed at my job. Granted the whole staff got laid off but I was included in that. I was the leader of that. I didn't give 100%. I was going through a separation, divorce, seeing J battle, losing my house, learning a new job....some days I gave 80% others I gave 30%. But each day I gave all I had. And I made money for the company. And I won a bunch of prizes for doing a good job. But I still didn't live up to the expectations I set for myself. Going through those struggles or not, I feel like I failed.

I feel like I've failed my family. My friends. J. Myself. Somedays I believe in myself, most days lately, I haven't. Satan has been working really hard lately to remind me of what I'm not. And I've listened to him. In doing that, I've failed.

But tonight I took stock of where I've been and where I want to be. No one can take the first step into a better tomorrow for me, except for me. In living a healthier life. In working out everyday. In reading my bible everyday. In listening to the truth and not the lies, everyday.

I'm not old. I know that. But I'm old enough to know better. And I'm old enough to do better. I don't need my dr to tell me to eat right and get enough exercise. I don't need a pastor to tell me to spend quiet time with my bible, listening and being with God. I don't need my parents, family, friends, telling me that I'm ok where I am because I'm doing all I can do right now. I know for myself where I need to be. I know for myself where I want to be. Have I felt deserving of having my best? No. Have I felt deserving of having God's best for me? Honestly, no.

I heard someone say recently that you can trust God with your dreams. I haven't felt like I could trust anyone with anything lately. Because when I open myself up to hoping, I seem to get let down. But part of growing into who you're meant to be is believing that you are deserving of the best. That even though you have messed up, your past doesn't dictate your future. That even though you've hoped for things in the past that haven't come to be, doesn't mean that the dream you dream today won't come to be tomorrow.

I'm my biggest stumbling block. I've felt judged. I've felt like I've let people down. I've felt like my best wasn't good enough. No more. I have to believe in better. I have to believe that God has brighter days ahead for me then the dark I've been living in. I have to believe that even though I've failed in some regards, I've let some people down and I've given up hope at times, that my God is bigger than that all. I need to believe in myself. Because for God to work in my, he has to work through me, and I need to believe that I'm deserving of being that vessel that can be the change I want to see.

I'm learning. I'm growing and I'm blessed. God hasn't given up on me, it's time to believe in myself once again....

Monday, April 12, 2010

Dr anxiety

Have an appt tomorrow and I always stress about it for a few days. My dr is great and always makes me feel better once I'm there but I hate going. I am thankful I have insurance so I can go get my yearly checkup to make sure every things acting as it should. Haven't been feeling right so I'm praying he can find out whats wrong and if there is something that it's not too hard of a fix.

Dad's surgery is Fri at the butt crack of dawn so Mom and I will be sitting there waiting for him. Praying that he comes out of it strong and in not too much pain.

Trying to stay busy and get things organized around here. Made dad's hamburgers tonight for the week, have a pork tenderloin in the crock pot that we can eat on all week. I had a stomach thing this morning but it seems to be gone. Good news.

Trying to act like I have things that MUST BE ACCOMPLISHED instead of thinking it doesn't really matter if it gets done or not. Can't change the circumstances but I can change what I'm doing in the waiting. So I'm trying to make life easier on my parents by them not having to cook. And I'll go to the grocery store tomorrow as well.

Not much but it helps. Holding firm that w a start date of mid May I WILL be working and busy and traveling. I miss my nephews, I miss Nana, miss the rest of the family. Praying for them all and hope they know how much I love and miss them.

Going to bed feeling a little stressed and sad but knowing that I'm going to hold those thoughts captive and read and listen to the truth that God is speaking only to me.

Blessed, tired and a little anxious. But overall doing ok.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Sunday Funday doesnt suck at all

Spent the day w some friends at the beach. Was nice. And fun. And Beautiful. Then went and had a lil lunch then went to play some pool. Which I'm not great at but getting better.

Going to find a few places that will take me on and let me volunteer this week. Need to stay busy. Productivity breeds productivity.

Somehow this week is going to be a great week. I'm going to bed, prayerful, mindful and hopeful.

God has blessings, an oceanwide, ready for me. And I ready for them? I hope so. My focus will be on what I can do in the meantime to move through the meantime. I wanted to be used. I wanted to be placed where he wants me. I want to be able to give and offer the best of me.

Tomorrow starts a new week and new challenges and new expectations.

I'm looking forward to it. I miss some people, heavy on my heart. Praying for others who are heavy on my heart. I'm excited to see what the faith and prayers of God's people will show.

I'm blessed, I'm excited and I'm ready!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Makeover time

I need a new look. Or a new something. I don't feel comfortable changing my hair color, did that once and it was a disaster. Took 6 months and an "Aw Miss, nooo!!!!" Not really comfortable cutting it much either. Last time I wanted something different the guy I went to made me look like the lost member of Duran Duran. Took a good 9 months to grow out that mullet. I'm kind of boring in the hair department I guess. Plus the last thing I need to be spending my money on is my hair. I need Megan to get down here again and teach me how to back tease. I thought I was good at it. That girl can tease some hair!!

I've got the restless feeling of needing to be busy, unfortunately that's not coupled with wanting to be productive. SO off to the treadmill, still waiting for that elusive runner's high.

I'll believe it when I feel it!

Friday, April 9, 2010

Happy 100th Blog!

How about that. I knew I had a lot to say but 100 blogs, impressive. And people are reading them. Even more impressive. Leave me comments, make me feel important.

So today was a growing day in my life. Woke up feeling excited, then defeated, then content. I wonder why I'm always exhausted, I'm on a roller coaster of emotions everyday.

I went out with a girlfriend of mine today and she said some things that really made me feel good about myself and where I've been and where I'm at. She met me when I worked in radio, as I was going through my divorce, my house stuff, losing Jonas....she didn't meet the best Melissa. I was talking to her tonight and feeling like I had to justify who I was and why I wasn't as successful as I feel I should have been in my radio career. But as I was talking to her I forgave myself. I cut myself some slack. I remembered where I'd been, what I faced and what I've come through.

No one needs a reminder but I feel it's important to myself, to gain some perspective, if nothing else. I lost my marriage. I lost a baby. I lost my job. I lost Jonas. I lost the promise of a lifetime when the man I married decided I wasn't what he wanted. I lost my savings, I lost myself. Within 6 months. And I survived. I still struggle. I have a home that my parents have so graciously opened up to their adult daughter. I have a job that one day soon I hope to actually start. I have so many good memories of J that I can't list them all. Potty training, abc's, him telling me that I was the most beautiful Missy, funny stories, trying times, all worth it. I wouldn't trade all the hell I went through for the 4 years I had with J. I miss him, I love him, I'm letting him go. As best as I know how. I pray for him and ache for him every day but I know that one day he'll be part of my life again.

Reading back through some of my blogs you can trace the ebbs and flows of growing. You can clearly see when I'm hurting and when I'm thriving. I'm not one who has ever been able to do anything but wear my emotions on my sleeve. And I'm ok with that. Hopefully if people ever look at me and my life they can see that I've never given up. I've wanted to, I've been overwhelmed and I've felt lost, but I have never lost my way.

I'm not sure why God has us go through tough times. I know he doesn't cause them. I'm not asking why me. I'm just wondering where this growth and knowledge and compassion that I've gained is going to take me.

I'm meant to be a mother. Out of all the things I've lost, being a mother is the one thing that hurts everyday. My little boy is out there, maybe at soccer practice, maybe at the beach, maybe at school. I don't know. But God knew the family he was placing J into, even if it was a much shorter period of time than I can understand, for a reason. We served a purpose. And I know God doesn't make mistakes.

I've felt like a disappointment in my grief lately. I wasn't able to put on a big smile and act as though I was ok. I wasn't. I've been hurting, I've been vulnerable, I've been sensitive. But I've also been praying, seeking and listening.

God's not trying to break me. Satan may try, as he's been full throttle, but God's trying to build me up. To build me into what he wants me to be. Our time tables are off. My sense of urgency is now. His is to be still and know that He is God. My plans are I need this job to start tomorrow. His plans are to prosper me and help me.

I've not been the poster child of how best to deal in crisis. But I'm done with that. I'm done making excuses for hurting, for grieving, for being sad. God never promised it would be easy, he only promised we wouldn't be alone. And I haven't been alone in any of this.

I'm ready for change. I'm ready for something new and different and exciting. I know how hard I pray for Jonas. I know how much more people are praying for me right now.

So thank you. For believing in me, encouraging me, wiping my tears as they come and believing in my better tomorrow. My pain was shared and it got me through, That my joy will be shared makes me feel renewed.

I don't know what tomorrow brings. But I know in who's hands it rests. God has dreams, jobs, babies, husband(no s' needed) He has a plan and a will and a future for me.

I'm not ungrateful, sometimes just overwhelmed. I'm not discouraged, though sometimes feeling lost. I'm not where I need to be but thank you God I'm not where I was.

Blog 101....Another new beginning, Blessed, loved and highly favored! Thank you for believing in the God I believe, thank you for the prayers of the faithful and thank you for never, never, never giving up on me, even when it would have been so much easier to do so. I love you all!! Thank you!

Meantime, schmeantime...

I feel like I'm the balled up pieces of paper that has the scrapped lyrics from someone trying to write the perfect song, story, or poem. I know God began a good work in me. I can pinpoint the moment I felt that. The moment that I knew that he was once again working in me and through me. But right now I feel like I'm getting the rough drafts of me tossed to the side. Again, and again. And again.

Lately I've felt like the useless scrunched up pieces of paper that had the promise to be a work of art but aren't. Overly dramatic but it hit home as I was trying to write in my journal. My journal is not a masterpiece. I never tear out pages and start over. Until this morning when I did. Over and over and over. I just couldn't form a logical thought. Still not sure I can. There's a mental block. Or breakdown perhaps.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I could go to a therapist or a psychologist but I think if I had a repeat of one of them crying because my life was so sad or the other one telling me that I had a really crazy life, I'd lose it. I'd freak out. I have a job. This morning was told that,again, by the Senior VP. They don't have a start date though, could be another month. Miserable. Carrot dangling in front of me. Great money, challenging job,'s yours. Sometime. Can't tell you when but we did tell everyone but you NO who interviewed for this position. And you will be perfect in this position. Once we can have you start...blah blah blah. That pays the bills. The promise of a job gets you really far in live!

I think I'm so emotional because I'm sitting in the fire. I feel myself literally sitting in the refiners fire. Molding me and making me into what he started guiding me to be. It's a painful process. Like getting a facial I guess. They have to dig up all the gross stuff under the skin and your face looks like a 13yr old boys for a few days and then you're smooth as a baby's butt. Yes, I likened my life to sitting in fire and looking like a 13 yr old boy. Told you I was emotional.

I don't know what else to say besides that. There's a lot more inside but I guess the time isn't right to get it out because it's not coming. So I will remind myself, and you reading this if you are feeling a little lost and left behind.."He who began a good work in you, He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it. Will be faithful to complete it. HE who started the work will be faithful to complete it in you."

Refiners fire. Pruning. Cutting off the dead so the life can grow. Painful processes. But the end result is a new you whom God created in His image, for his purpose, for the better of you.

He'll be faithful to complete it in me, if I'm faithful and allow him to continue the pruning...! There may be more dark days than light for now but when this process is over I know I'll be able to see what all the pain, learning, growing and healing was for...

So I'll say through my tears. I know I'm blessed. I know the plans he has for me are to prosper and not harm me. I know that he didn't bring me to it without him there to bring me through it. My life won't always be so confusing and I'll continue to be faithful, prayful and thankful through this still ever long meantime. And I'll be as patient as this girl knows how to be...

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Hi meantime. Please leave now...Thanks!

I'm just in a bad place. Satan is trying to hold me down. Hold me back. I've been crying, cranky, overwhelmed. I've gotten down, but I'm trying not to stay down.

Frustrations with a job I haven't started yet. Emails from people from the past bringing up things that I shouldn't let still get to me but do, because I have a heart. And I have feelings. And when they are hurt, I cry. Not a character flaw. I'm compassionate, I'm passionate. But right now I'd like to be a little less hot mess and a little more put together.


I've been hanging on by a thread...but I'm still hanging. I have been on the brink of losing my mind..but haven't lost it yet. I've been close to throwing in the towel but continue to hold onto it. I know people are praying for me. Praying for my family. For our circumstances, our heartaches, our struggles. I know everyone is facing something. I know that a lot of people are feeling lost, forgotten and hurt.

So my prayer for you who is hurting, as is the prayer for myself. I pray that even when disappointments come that hope shines brighter. That when tears fall they also bring healing. That when it seems like you'll never find your way you're shown a directional sign. That when you feel like no one cares, someone special calls. That when you feel like your life is a disappointment and a failure beyond repair, that you are shown something that makes you proud of where you've been and where you're going. And that when you feel like you have no where else to turn, that you place your knees on the ground and your eyes upon Jesus.

I'm thankful for mercy. I'm blessed with hope and I'm confident that God has not left me to find my way alone....I may be wondering, but I know I'm not lost! And I'm packing my bags and leaving the meantime!! New location, tbd...

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Tomorrow will be good. And being sad doesn't equal a pity party

Been emotional week missing Jonas. Missing Cooper and Porter. Just hard. You have people, kids, you want to see everyday and when you can't, sometimes makes you sad. Sometimes is a pain you don't know that we're equipped to handle. SO I turn it over to my father.

I haven't stopped getting out of bed. I haven't stopped trying to improve myself. I just miss my little boy. sometimes more than others, and right now is one of those times.

So my prayer tonight for 3 very special boys close to my heart...Jonas, Cooper, and Porter. I pray that God protects them from hurt, protects their bodies from pain and sickness and guards their hearts and minds to what is true. That there are so many people who love them, pray for them, and ache for their presence in our lives.

My God is my Daddy. My Abba father, I'm placing these little boys in the lap of my Jesus knowing that his will, desires, and plans for their lives greater exceeds anything I can imagine for them.

Tomorrow I will wake up to news that will hopefully change the course and direction of my life. A life that is pleasing and honorable to the God who made it all possible.

God you know the hurts, tears and pain I'm feeling. You know the pain of many. I pray that your will be done, here on earth, as it is in heaven. And we will give you all the praise and thanksgiving.

I'm blessed, I'm sad but hopeful that better is just right around the corner.

When you take the first step into the unknown...

"You know He won't let you go. SO what are you waiting for, what do have to lose? Your insecurities that try to alter you but you know you re made for more. So don't be afraid to move. Your faith is all it takes and you can walk on the water too." Walk on on the Water Brit Nicol

Last night was awful. The past few days were bad but yesterday was just really bad. I had to go to the drug store because they gave me the wrong meds so I'm fighting with the pharmacist there and left crying because I was so frustrated so I went to get something to eat to calm down. The kid in the booth behind me was probably 8 and his mom was explaining that he was going to have to spend some time w his dad this week and the little boy didnt want to then the phone rang and the boy had to talk to his dad and it was just a huge flashback of the same situation I had with Jonas a lot of days.

So I'm emotional and decide to get out of the house and go get dinner and sitting at a booth by myself and a family with 3 boys, prob 3, 6, and 9 sit down in front of me. I hear them talking about a train ride they took that day and school break and summer and all this stuff and one of the boy's names was Jonas. So I go from the sad lady in the booth in front of them to the crazy lady crying in her salad. It was awful. I was ~this close~ to losing it.

So I came home and had a heart to heart with mom. Cried more, talked through it and got some motherly advise. Went to my bible and spent some time there and then in prayer. Was honest with God, as I'll be honest on here. I've felt lost and forgotten lately. Satan has been playing on my insecurities to keep me pulled down. Not being a wife. Not being a mother. Not being an employee. But reminding me of the times I was. And how big a failure am I now that I'm not any of those things. I got angry. I got angry that my life is still in limbo. That some people who I love and care about aren't part of my life right now. Angry that people I love and care about are being hurt by people they love and care about. Tired of people hurting. Tired of people being let down. Tired of people judging, condemning, criticising.

I don't have the patience of Job. I'm trying. He said "Even though he slay me, I place my hope in him." I'm trying to be that faithful. But I'm human. And sometimes the pain and hurt and disappointment are more than I can handle. So I cry, I question, I pray, I talk through it and I move on. And I forgive myself, as I know He's forgiven me.

Faith of a child. Children don't know much, maybe it's a blind faith, but it's faith. Faith of a mustard seed. Have you ever seen a mustard seed? It's tiny. That's the thing about faith though, you just need a little bit because as I proved to myself last night, I felt like I was hanging on by a thread and felt like I was going to drop at any moment. But I had that faith,somewhere in the depths of my heart, mind and soul, that God was and is up to something. And even though I'm in the dark right now, if I hold on to that child like mustard seed of faith, I'll be able to see.

My heart is heavy for those close to me who are hurting, trying, facing disappointment, loss, anger and sadness. I pray that God finds them where they are and gives them what and all they need. As only He can and as only He does.

I'm blessed. I'm refreshed, excited and hopeful.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

You may think the sky above is falling...

Easter tomorrow. I know the meaning, I'm thankful for the hope, faith, joy it represents.

Easter is also about kids hunting Easter eggs, bunnies, baskets. Dressed up in their Easter outfits. Last year I went to church and made it to the parking lot and saw the mass of kids walking in with their parents and sat in my car crying, couldn't handle it. I'm hoping tomorrow is easier. But I miss J so much I can't hardly stand it.

I'm trying so hard to not be a brat about my life right now. I know I have family, friends, my health. I want more. God put the desires for so much more in my heart and it's hard to not have it. I want J back in my life. I want to hold him, I miss him so much right now. I want my job. I want to feel productive and busy and proud of myself. I'm ready for something good to happen.

I'm emotional. I'm always emotional. I'm trying. Everyday I'm trying. Some days it's better than others. I had a really good weekend spent with friends at the beach. Spent the afternoon Fri with my parents at the beach. I know I have a good life. I know I'm blessed. I just want more. I'm ready for more. I can't imagine what more time waiting is going to show me, grow me, or change me anymore than has already happened over the past 3 years.

Heard this song and it's what I needed. "You’re blinded by the lightning, do you also hear that still, small voice saying it’s okay you’re not alone, You may be scared to death but I won’t let you go. You may think the sky above is falling, but can you hear Jesus calling?" If for no other reason it serves as a reminder that I'm not the only one who struggles, who falters in their faith, who is scared to death of failing, of not being good enough, of being alone.

33 Miles Jesus Calling lyrics
What do you see when you look at your world today
Is it so full of clutter that you feel like you’re going insane
And you can’t fight back cause you’re just too afraid
And it seems like the clouds in your sky don’t wanna change
You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice

When you see the rushing wind, feel the pouring rain
Hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in
You’re blinded by the lightning
Do you also hear that still, small voice saying
It’s okay you’re not alone
You may be scared to death but I won’t let you go
You may think the sky above is falling
But can you hear Jesus calling

What do you see when you look at your world today
Do you see a glimmer of hope, or has it all turned to gray
Well start by counting your blessings one by one
Oh and I’m sure right there, you’ll start to see the sun
You see there’s always another story, another side to every coin
And how you see your circumstance is all about a choice

Because the darker the night, the brighter He can shine

~Sums it up. How I feel, how I pray and how I'll get through.

I'm blessed. I know I am...