Monday, May 3, 2010

Clock's not working...

Because according to my clock, phone, calender and anything else I've looked at, it's showing it's May 3. Not possible, because I can't have been out of work THIS LONG!!

Groundhog day. Hated the movie, hate living it every single day. Nothing changes. It's driving me mad! By the time my friends get out of work I'm blowing up their texts trying to find something to do, to get me out of the house. This is the longest stretch I've been without a job and not gone to KY. Maybe a trip North is in order.

Guys are still driving me a little mad as well. I know I need to stop being so abrasive and quick to cut someone off when they do or don't do something I think they should, or shouldn't. I wear my heart on my sleeve, however, when it comes to talking to guys about my feelings...14' concrete walls go up immediately around me. We can talk about sports, family, shoes, food, whatever...ask me what I'm feeling and I'm going to shut down. Tick me off and I'm going to shut down. I'm a work in progress....clearly.

Sent out a fresh batch of resumes. Again. Something will happen. And something will happen soon. I will find a man I like who treats me as I should be treated. I will find a job that challenges me, HIRES ME WITH A START DATE, and pays me well. I'm getting the heck out of the meantime even it it kills me. Hasn't yet, odds are good that it probably wont.

I get sad, frustrated, melancholy, annoyed, and over it. But then I sit back and gain some perspective and realize I do have things I need to get in order but as I've done what I can do I'll continue to wait out this meantime.

I can't get mad that 2 attractive, successful men find me funny and want to spend time with. I can't get upset that I have great friends who talk me down from the ledge. And I can't be anything other than completely humbled to know that there are people I don't even know praying for my strength, that I keep fighting, keep growing and keep moving forward.

I'm blessed. More and more everyday blessed. Today it was a great hair day and it may not be much but it was good enough for me. Tomorrow the bar will slightly be raised.

Baby steps. But they're still moving me in the right direction. Either on my knees in prayer or walking with one foot in front of the other. Moving forward and not looking back Without a map. I'd say all things considered, I'm doing alright!!

Tomorrow will be better!

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