Monday, March 22, 2010

Breakdowns and waiting

I just had a J breakdown. It's been a long time since my last one. I had a mini one I guess in New Orleans when I saw the little boy that reminded me of him. This has been a strange week. I was really aware that I had an exhusband, which sounds strange, kind of like, duh I guess. But I forget. I don't miss him. I don't wish I were still with him. I think I kind of just have really been aware that I had a husband. A child. A home. A life. Strange, I know.

For as well as I've been doing I guess I'm just having a little mini meltdown. I've been displaced, in the meantime, without a job, waiting...still waiting. And more times than not recently I've been really ok. Really great actually. But right now I'm just really, really sad. J's birthday is Sat and it just feel really unfair, and more unreal, that come July, it's been 2 years since I've seen him.

I don't feel like a mom anymore. And I think that's probably what hurts the most. I can be a really great aunt to my friend's kids but the more time that passes, the longer I haven't had a child of my own. That I took to school. That I played with. That I said prayers with. That I made up stories with. It hurts.

Talked with Richard tonight and he's out of town til Thurs so he said we'd talk then. This waiting game is wearing on me. I keep reminding myself that my circumstances, my checking account, my mental stability, God knows what I have. He knows what I can handle. He know's my heart. He hasn't brought me this far to leave me. I know that. I do.

And tomorrow I'll wake up and start a new day. With a good attitude. Going to spend a few days with Whit and her kids. I don't have a job. Yet. But that affords me the time to spend with my friend who appreciate the help. I don't have my own babies. Yet. But I can be the best Aunt Miss that these kids know.

I'm not sure why I'm still in this period of waiting. But for whatever reason, God has decided that I can handle it. Sometimes I lose patience. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. But I havent, and wont, lose my faith that my best times are in my tomorrows. I know the plans He has for me are to prosper me. And all I can do is continue to do what I'm doing. Wait and be faithful until the doors of my next chapter are opened.

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