Thursday, May 20, 2010

Done with getting over...

My life is about to change. In a lot of ways. I know it, I feel like I'm being prepared for it, it's exciting and also scares the crap out of me. This "meantime" has become my normal. As uncomfortable and ill fitting as it is, it's become known and safe for me. My world's about to get rocked I think.

Some things I'm ready for-

The getting over guys thing, done with it. I'd love to find someone to fall in love with. I've had a few guys fall in love with me over the years, I wonder now, what it would be like to let myself fall. I just find myself getting over, making excuses, and building walls to protect myself from guys that probably, honestly, should never have been that close to me to begin with. But they too were safe I guess. Guys falling in love with you doesn't hurt. It's when you decide that you'll be the one to fall that opens you up to hurt. And to happiness...

The doubting myself thing, done with it. I'm more capable than I allow myself to believe sometimes because it's easier. If the bar is set low then it's hard to fail. And I feel like I've had my lifetime of failures over the past few years. Whether it was my divorce, my finances, losing Jonas, a job, my wasn't how I envisioned my life to be so that equaled failure. I got married because my heart was open and full of hope. My finances were lost because I put other's needs ahead of my own. I lost Jonas because of reasons I'm still sorting out. I lost my job because I wasn't able to give my best, I was going through hell and was trying to survive. And I did. I lost my job but I survived...I'm not blaming others, I'm not playing the victim. I'm recognizing that in order to fail you have to try. And I did. A lot of both. I'm capable of more than I've allowed myself to be. Out of fear. I'm done with that too.

I had someone very special tonight tell me that she looks to my words and thoughts when she feels like giving up. That I somehow always find God's will in whatever I'm going through. No kinder words could be spoken of me. Because that right there is a testament to the prayers, encouragement and belief, in yourself, in your God, in your family....that you can do, you'll be better for it, and if it hasn't killed you yet, chances are good it probably won't.

My life is going to change. It's going to probably get more chaotic before it calms down. There will be scary moments, moments of fear and moments of excitement. I'm ready. My Ralph Lauren bags are packed and I'm getting the heck of of this meantime. I'm done with getting over. I'm on to having better!

Blessed. So blessed and so ok!!

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