I'm addicted to guys. I'm addicted to hurting people. With an emphasis on hurting guys. I'll go above and beyond, to the detriment of my own feelings, to help these guys feel better. Also known as "Stray Dog Syndrome."
I thought I'd moved past this. Sad to know that I haven't. Dated a guy. A hot, funny, attractive, fun guy. He was more trouble than he was worth. To most people. To me he was a project who needed fixed, saved, helped.
So what happens? He says things to me that hurt my feelings, I confront him about them and walk away and he blows up my phone with texts of apology before I even leave the parking lot. But I don't need apologies. I don't need someone who will make me cry and go above and beyond and hope for the best. I knew better.
I'm lonely. That's a big red firetruck sign if there ever was one. But I'm also a nurturer and caretaker. I've got to learn that I can't save everyone. I can't bring the strays in and not expect to get eaten up with the mange. I get attached, I want better for them than they want for themselves and I end up with not much more than a bunch of flea bites.
I've got to get past this. I need to get past the circumstances I think I can overcome. Or help them through. I know that I deserve better. I'll find better and I'll be wowed by a guy who wants to take care of me. Not because I'm tan. Not because I'm blonde. Not because of anything other than he sees in me someone who deserves love, respect and admiration....
In the words of Jonny Diaz...
Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight
Well little girl fourteen
I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care
your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are
(CHORUS)There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
Little girl twenty-one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but he's got another plan
Only wants what you'll do instead
Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are
So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who's strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you t
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl
There could never be a more beautiful you
~I'm going to choose to believe this. I've wasted too many tears and had too much heartache over guys that just aren't worth it. I'll still be a good friend. I'll still be a nice person. I just won't put your needs in front of my own, especially when I know you're not worthy or deserving of it.
I'm blessed. Still messed up, obviously, but praying faithfully and expectantly that God will guide me in His will and even when I veer off path, he won't judge or disown, will just nudge me back on track instead.
I'm 31....hopefully soon I'll grow up!