I've been a lot of things...

I miss being a Mom the most. Mother's Day snuck up on me. Been distracted with nonsense and tonight thought about tomorrow. It sucks. I miss Jonas. Always and every day. I can't remember some things about him and it breaks my heart. Because as an adult I know I remember more than a 5 yr old little boy. I pray he remembers me. I pray he knows in his heart, his mind, his memory...somewhere.

Tonight I saw my best friend with her 2 kids. Saw a friend from long ago who I don't see as often as I wish with her daughter. Talked to a friend who has been special to me for the better part of 10+ years who's in town with her son who's in the hospital. I've got friends, family, who have kids they've lost who are heavy on my heart. Friends who want desperately to have kids but haven't yet been blessed with them yet. You can be a lot of things but being a Mom is the most important and special role you'll ever play. I'll have that chance to be that to someone again. I know I will.

This song was on my mind...

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear


Though I've tried, I've fallen... I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen... I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know

Oh they turned their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

~Love Sarah McLachlan. She get's me.

Anyhow, I'm blessed with an amazingly patient, honest, giving, selfless Mom. My Nana is also one of the most selfless people I've ever known. I miss Grandma. I have great Aunts. I'm fortunate. I've learned how to be a Mom by some of the best examples I know....

I'm blessed. I'm sad but I'm ok. I'm praying for J on this Mother's Day and I'm praying for myself. That I continue to learn, grow and love!