Wednesday, March 31, 2010

More head honchos?? Bring it....!! Oh, and butterflies too

I'm seeing them all over the place. Dad brought one in to me today when I was feeling pretty down. He was planting flowers and one flew over to him.

My meeting with the National Sales Director and a few others got pushed back from today to 9am in the morning.

Not sure what they want from me so I'm going to go in bold, courageous, confident, knowledgeable and maybe a bit more forthright than normal as I am beyond ready to get the pomp and circumstance over and start the job. So I'm wearing a smart suit that still looks sassy and going in charming and ready to knock em dead and have them eating out of my hands with them asking Richard why he hasn't had me start already??!

In all seriousness, well that was serious and honest, however, I'll also be humble because frankly they are the ones that will be paying me so I'm not going to act like I own the joint. I'll just be the best that I can be, bring my A game and show them who I am and what I offer. I'm confident it will be enough for them as it was for Richard.

I'm going to nail it, going to walk in with my head held high and the knowledge that it's not Richard, Mark, Owner Man's decision....this is being orchestrated by someone much more powerful than them. And HE has my best He wants to give me. They can maybe drag it out and test my will and try to crack me but as I have said before, HAHAHAHAHA, he has no idea who he's dealing with. I won't be moved, I won't be shaken.

Soon, though, I'll be employed and on my way!!

Blessed, confident, eager and ready!

Longest process ever

I talked to Richard today. He wants me to come in at 130 and meet the National Director of Sales. So I will go in an wow him as I have wow'd everyone else. I'm not questioning, just doing. If this is part of the process then I will go where I'm being told to go. But cmon, let me start already.

Went to my first baseball game tonight. I guess first real baseball game. I dated a guy in college that was a pitcher and went to one of his games for a hot second but that was about it. Think of myself as more of a football and basketball kinda gal. But the weather was beautiful, cute men all around, and I was with good friends. Fun night.

Going to bed and waking up with a killer attitude. As in killing the men I'm meeting with tomorrow with my smile, knowledge and confidence. I will impress them, I will get a start date and I will walk out of there with my head held high.

Blessed, happy and ready for tomorrow!!

Monday, March 29, 2010

It's raining men, of course

I decide that my focus is going to be on my new career. That hasn't started. Yet. But once it does, I've decided that I'll be too busy and on the road and traveling and blah blah blah to date. And so of course over the past few days the men have been coming out of the wood works. I'm not complaining, just funny how life works sometimes.

I talked to Richard over the weekend and told him I'd touch base with him Wed morning to finalize a start date (he wanted someone bold, I'm giving him bold.) I'd be ok if he told me April 5 or April 25. As long as I know what to expect then I can better deal with it.

Drove by a school this morning and all these moms were walking their kids to school. J's age. I don't know if I only see the young boys and the girls are kind of blurred out or if there are really just that many 6/7 yr old blond boys around town. But it's a test every time I see boys that age to not panic, run and cry. But I'm handling it. Got through his birthday. Next is Mother's Day I guess but I'll get through that as well. I always do. I'm just hyper sensitive right now. This too shall pass.

I really have no idea what direction my life is taking. 3 weeks ago I thought it was starting a new career that would jump start a new life. But then I meet new people that make me think about singing, blogging, guys, friends...Not that I think my life is going to take off in a direction of a singing blogger, but it's been a reminder to not box yourself in. Life is what happens between the chapter titles. I'm pretty good at naming the chapters, I need to start living the pages in between.

Work in progress. There are things I hate about myself that seem to be highlighted in my mind right now, I know it's Satan. So I don't dwell. I recognize and move on. And I am. Moving forward. The past year has been about me moving on. And this year is about me moving forward...

Blessed, if not somewhat cranky, and ready for big changes! xo

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Well crap. And oh yea, I like to sing

Kentucky lost. To WVA. Someone said we lost to a 3rd world country. Kind of funny if it wasn't so sad that we played so poorly and lost so close to the final four. But UK basketball is back and I've learned patience so I can wait til next season.

I met a guy last night. Well not true, met him a few months ago but spent more time talking to him last night. He's in a band and they are really talented musicians. We were chatting and I told him I used to sing and blah blah blah led to him playing Whisky Lullabye in a corner of the patio and the 2 of us singing. Me and him. Singing. While he played guitar. Singing and harmonizing!! I can sing. I miss it. I enjoy it. I need to get involved in something that can allow me to use that talent. God gave it to me, need to use it. I really miss singing. And I guess that as attractive as it is for a guy to be musical, it's also attractive to them when a gal can sing or play piano. Interesting what I'm learning at 31.

Also learning its a really scary world we live in. A shooting in the middle of the day a few months ago and a bank robbery that led to a car jacking and the robber being killed and a baby in the car being shot...all during the day, in a busy part of town. That's 3 miles from where we live. That's less than 1/4 of a mile from where my office will be. Scary. Satan's trying to get me back on the anxious train but I'm good where I'm at right now. For the most part.

Jonas' bday was today. 7. Still seems absolutely crazy to me that I haven't seen him in so long. Good things happen to good people. I know that. I just wonder when life will start reflecting that. Mom and Dad deserve better than what they're getting. They don't have Jonas either. They deserve to be the Popsy and Tete to kids. Kids love them. People love them. They're some of the most selfless people I know. To their family, their friends, their coworkers. And I think they should get so much back. They give selflessly. As their daughter, I'd love to see people do the same for them.

I'm just emotional. There's a lot of things I want to change that I have no control over. There's a lot of hurt and pain and disappointment that I would take away from people I care about if I could . But I cant so I pray for their strength, their hearts, their spirits. That they wont be shaken, won't be moved.

I know God has me where I'm needed. I know that I'll be moved into the next position when the timing is right. Its not about patience any longer. I've proven to myself, maybe even others, that I have now understood and embraced that patience is a virtue. I see the value in it. I see the value in me having it.

Still doesn't change the fact that I'm bored out of my mind and after 14 months without working I'm more than ready to start this new job! I see the value in myself. What I have to offer, who this process has made me and where I'm allowing myself to go.

Now I'm going to bed and hoping to wake up ready to be filled wholly at church.

Blessed, loved, excited and ok. If not also a little ticked at the Cats, but blessed none the less!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I have a job. Kind of...

So I got verbal conformation this evening that I got the job. We discussed money earlier in the week and he's going to have a start date early next week. Was kind of a little anti-climatic. There was no big fireworks, banner, balloons of an announcement, it was a "You're who we've decided to hire for this position is the good news," then other talk about the position and why the start date is still tbd. I'm excited. So proud of myself! He talked tonight openly about how hard he'd been on me and pushed me and tried to break me (hahahaha, no idea who he's dealing with.) I fought tooth and nail to secure this job. The cynic in me won't let me celebrate completely until the paperwork is signed, sealed and delivered. I'm considering this my job engagement, the job wedding comes when it's legal. Praying for a start date of no later than April 5. This girl is ready to work!! And I have my first day of work shoes picked out!! Of course!

So....big sigh of relief. I did it. I got a really great job, making really great money, doing something that will be a really great fit for me. He didn't make it easy on me. I definitely proved, if to no one other than myself, that I'm still as tenacious and persistant (probably more so actually) than I ever was. I've still got it. Feels really, really good!

"When you take that first step, into the unknown you know that He won't let you go. So what are you waiting for, what do you have to lose, your insecurities they try to alter you. But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move, your faith is all it takes and you can walk on the water too."

Amen! Blessed, excited and ready.

AND UK plays tonight to make it to the Elite 8. Have some bets, bragging rights and just overall excitement riding on this game. GO BIG BLUE!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

My time has come. WOO HOO!

Richard emailed me today. Totally unexpected and totally excited me to where I about peed! He asked me if we had discussed money. I email him back and said yes, I remember it was big bucks. He emailed back and asked what we had discussed so I told him and he asked, again, if I was prepared for a really challenging position and I responded that yes, I was still ready for the challenges and opportunities that we'd discussed and was ready to start as soon as he was ready for me to. He emailed me back and said he'd be back in town Wed night, to call him Thurs morning. WOOOOO HOOOOO!!

So beyond excited and ready. Spent the day with Whit and the kids and spending the night and day here tomorrow. Then headed back for girl's night tomorrow night, calling Richard Thursday morning, watching UK game Thurs night and hoping to have job offer that starts next week! Or if the week after, I'm ok with that too.

My life is falling into place!! I'm just so beyond ready for this new chapter to start. New apartment, new job, new cities, states, travels, new life, new me!! YAY!!! I've waited faithfully. I waited patiently (uh huh) and I've waited expectantly. I'm so proud of myself. I'm so proud of this job and I'm so proud that I'll be on my own feet again, out in my own life.

God is good. All the time. Family is there, always. Friends are there, most important to my sanity. I hope that this year continues to bring healing, changes, opportunity, and blessings to me, my family, my friends. I'm blessed. Beyond what I deserve but never beyond what I expected. When those who told me to take a job, any job, beggers can't be choosers...I was willing to go where God wanted me to go. But in the true form of the God I know and love, he has better than we expect for ourselves, if we're willing to go the distance.

I've gone the distance, I've ran the race. I'm looking forward to the prize at the end. A job that challenges me, keeps me busy in places I've never been and gives me a paycheck.

My cup, it runneth over!!

Monday, March 22, 2010

Breakdowns and waiting

I just had a J breakdown. It's been a long time since my last one. I had a mini one I guess in New Orleans when I saw the little boy that reminded me of him. This has been a strange week. I was really aware that I had an exhusband, which sounds strange, kind of like, duh I guess. But I forget. I don't miss him. I don't wish I were still with him. I think I kind of just have really been aware that I had a husband. A child. A home. A life. Strange, I know.

For as well as I've been doing I guess I'm just having a little mini meltdown. I've been displaced, in the meantime, without a job, waiting...still waiting. And more times than not recently I've been really ok. Really great actually. But right now I'm just really, really sad. J's birthday is Sat and it just feel really unfair, and more unreal, that come July, it's been 2 years since I've seen him.

I don't feel like a mom anymore. And I think that's probably what hurts the most. I can be a really great aunt to my friend's kids but the more time that passes, the longer I haven't had a child of my own. That I took to school. That I played with. That I said prayers with. That I made up stories with. It hurts.

Talked with Richard tonight and he's out of town til Thurs so he said we'd talk then. This waiting game is wearing on me. I keep reminding myself that my circumstances, my checking account, my mental stability, God knows what I have. He knows what I can handle. He know's my heart. He hasn't brought me this far to leave me. I know that. I do.

And tomorrow I'll wake up and start a new day. With a good attitude. Going to spend a few days with Whit and her kids. I don't have a job. Yet. But that affords me the time to spend with my friend who appreciate the help. I don't have my own babies. Yet. But I can be the best Aunt Miss that these kids know.

I'm not sure why I'm still in this period of waiting. But for whatever reason, God has decided that I can handle it. Sometimes I lose patience. Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. But I havent, and wont, lose my faith that my best times are in my tomorrows. I know the plans He has for me are to prosper me. And all I can do is continue to do what I'm doing. Wait and be faithful until the doors of my next chapter are opened.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Home sweet home and ready to fly

Got home about 730 this morning. Megan made her flight and we all made it home safely through a mostly rain filled road trip through the night. Thanks Dad!

I can't remember being this exhausted in a long time. Feels like we were gone for 2 weeks instead of 4 days. Did a lot of walking, a lot of sight seeing, a lot of screaming at the games and just a lot of being a tourist in the Big Easy.

Tomorrow is a new day of a new week that is going to bring answered prayers, job offer, new beginnings. I'm confident of that. It's also Jonas' bday. He's going to be 7. Saw a little guy in the French Quarter that made me and Mom both do a double take. He had on an outfit that looked like what Jonas wore most days to school. His hair was spiked in the front like J's. He was drinking out of a cup and looked down into it like J did. It felt like a kick in the gut and it made me cry. But that little boy was probably 4. The J I know and remember. I wonder about this soon to be 7 yr old boy....I pray for him through out the day, everyday.

New Orleans was the first vacation I've taken, aside from my honeymoon, in probably 10 years. It was kind of bittersweet, honestly. I love that I got to spend that time with my parents. With Megan. I just got the feeling on the way home that my life is really about to change. Drastically from the safety of this new nest that's been supplied and created for me over the past few years. We're ready for good news. We're ready for me to get out of this nest. We're ready for me to have a paycheck... :)

I have more to say, I have more inside. But right now I'll just leave it with the lyrics from a song I love. And with the knowledge and confidence that things...they are a changing.

I think of the song, "Ready to Fly"

I've been here grounded far too long
I'm ready to see the open wide
Ready to sing a different song
I've seen my troubles 'long the way
I want to sail towards the sun
I want to turn another page
I'm on my way

I'm ready to fly,
I'm ready to soar
I'm ready to leave this world behind.
I'm ready to open up the door
I'm ready to fly,
I'm ready to spread my wings across the sky
I think it's time
I'm ready to go
I'm ready to fly.

You've told me I could rise above
Like an eagle on the wind
I can glide upon Your love
But I feel the pull of gravity
And it's a weight upon my shoulders
i can't stay here any longer
I've gotta be free

And it's been so long
Since i've seen the bright morning sun
Through the early morning horizon
And it's been so long
Since i've felt the air under my wings
And seen all of these things from above

I'm ready to fly,
I'm ready to soar
I'm ready to leave this world behind.
I'm ready to open up the door
I'm ready to fly,
I'm ready to spread my wings across the sky
I think it's time
I'm ready to go
I'm ready to fly.

Friday, March 19, 2010

The Big Easy, Ants, high heels and soul food

In the Big Easy. So fun. Dad's old stomping grounds from his childhood so he's had fun playing tour guide. Game was last night and was a blowout, hoping for the same tomorrow night. Then after the game we're driving straight through to get Megan to her 11am flight in Jax. Long stressful story about that but it was taken care of with a new flight to accommodate the later game time.

The French Quarter. LOVED it! Street market, fancy boutiques, jazz bands, street performers, UK fans...very fun! Bourbon Street...dirty. Downtown New Orleans was fun as well!

Yesterday I wore my most comfortable heels that halfway through the day had a hole worn into the pad of the shoe. So I had to, twist my arm, buy some new shoes and finally threw my old shoes away. Bought some wedges that were really cute for about 9 blocks then made me semi crippled. Luckily Megan was nice enough to switch me her flip flops.

Today I wore more sensible stacked heels. Dad took us to a clearing by Lake Ponchasomethingorother. We were taking pictures and laughing and having fun and I look down and my pant leg was covered with ants. I stripped down to my panties screaming as Mom, Dad, Megan and perhaps some construction workers were laughing, a lot, at me...and Mom was busy taking pictures. I made dad take his wind breaker off and I put my legs through it and wore it upside down while Dad was nice enough to shake my jeans til all the ants were off. Awful! Good story though.

The food here is ridiculously good. Good thing we've walked 15 miles each day. The shopping is ridiculously good and cheap. I can't wait to get home and show off all my goods. I spent a little of my tax refund, it was worth it. So fun!

This trip has been really good for all of us. We've gotten on each other's nerves briefly bc we're 1. in such close quarters, 2. Megan and I are so much alike and 3. because we're tired and worn out. But having so much fun, we laugh and get over it.

Been a great distraction from the j-o-b waiting game. Talked to Richard Wed and he said all was good and we'd meet next week when he gets back in town. Keep praying!!

Going to bed and spending our last day in NOLA tomorrow with a big UK game to top off a great 4 days in a city I've never been.

Lucky, blessed and stuffed to the gills! xo

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Answered prayer

Bryce had his leg amputated today and they are confident that they removed all the cancer. He's going to have a rough road ahead learning how to live this new life as a 9yr old boy without his leg but he has an amazing, loving, Christian family to encourage and love him through this. Please continue to keep him in your prayers for continued healing, strength and peace. Keep his family in your prayers too, The Williams family, I know they appreciate it.

Spent the day with Megan at Whit's with her and the kids. Fun girl time!

Tomorrow Mom, Dad, Megan and I are New Orleans bound for the NCAA Tournament. Yay for seeing the CATS play. Also very excited to see New Orleans for the first time. Dad spent time there as a child and has always wanted to take Mom there and share that side of his family's history with her so it will be nice to experience that with them.

Emailing Richard tomorrow to make sure he hasn't forgotten about me and/or forgotten that he needs to hire me for that position. Being gone til Sunday will be a nice distraction from waiting to hear from him.

My heart is heavy for a lot of people right now. I know that God has a plan that is to prosper all of us if we seek His will. Sometimes it's hard to remember that when there is so much going on and so many distractions and hurt and pain...

But my God is big enough to cover that. To cover my friends pains, my family's hurts, my own frustrations. "Somehow my story is a part of Your plan, here I am." However I can best be used, wherever I can best be I am.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Erasing you...

We made fun on Nana for doing this. I think it was when Sandy was in the hospital having Matt and someone said something to Nana and we look over and she's moving her hand up and down and side to side and we were all sorts of confused. Asked what she was doing and said, "I'm erasing you!" Only Nana. Love her.

But now I know how she felt and why she was doing it. There's people and circumstances and things going on I'd love to erase. Judgemental people. People who have no idea except what they see through rose colored glasses. Lazy people. Ones who can whine and complain about whatever strikes them to bloviate about. Why don't you stop complaining about others and go visit your family. Or offer to go to the store for someone. Or go sit and talk and help friends that could use it. Just a thought!

I read a book while I was married about your love tank and it being full or empty. Was pertaining to how you felt in relation to your spouse. I have a BS level thats working quite the same way. I'm not going to deal in BS. From anyone. You're either real and want to be real in my life or you don't. I'm not meaning to be rude. I think I've made it clear, that I give people chance after chance after chance. Well its wearing me out. It's annoying me. You get wind that my life's about to change in a pretty great way, you want to ride in on the coattails of that. I dont ride coattails and certainly not letting people ride on mine. Get there yourself.

I guess I'm spring cleaning everything. Clothes havent worn in awhile are out. People who bring me more hurt than not are out. Family that doesn't care about family...out. I'll continue to pray, support and encourage as I can but my feelings about things have changed.

I'm ready to erase all the hurt, disappointments, anger, frustration and tears out of my scope of being. Life will not be rainbows and butterflies and "just keep staying positive and everything will be fine." Try that line on someone who has fought and fought and fought and tried over and over and over to make life better but it still isn't quite there in being you're time, will probably be something to not say. When you're in the dark before the's still dark. Doesn't mean my faith is gone. Doesn't mean I don't believe the light is around the corner. Just sometimes its ok to erase the people w the pollyanna views who are living the charmed life of oblivion. Because if they are erased then they probably can't do permanent harm...

Be nicer people. Love more people. Care about others. Pray for people. Don't judge how someone is doing based on your opinions of circumstances you've never yourself gone through. Thats called an opinion based on an assumption. Uh huh. IF you have gone through some of the same circumstances, share them. That's called encouragement and advice. And it's helpful when you're feeling lonely and overwhelmed.

MY Dawn is coming. I'm singing. I'm dancing. I'm believing. I'm making plans and I'm dreaming. Let me do that. But the times I'm overwhelmed and cry and have moments of frustrations, please don't judge how I handle it. It's rude and it's annoying. And that's why I have erased the posers. Making new room for the new people, new job, new opportunities, new places that I'll be experiencing very soon. I'm pressing on.

Here are virtual stones ****** Anyone without sin, please have the first throw!

Thursday, March 11, 2010


Home. Back in my own bed. Probably how I'll feel when I get home from a business trip I'd assume.

Had a really good time with Whit and the kids. I'm brain dead now from lack of sleep, not sure how Whitney does it. She's a super mom! And a pretty great friend as well.

Tomorrow UK games, clean the house, take inventory of my shoes, bags, clothes and accessories before Megan gets here and tries to roll out with some of my goods.

Going to be a fun, exciting week. Looking forward to it. Right now most looking forward to sleep!

G'night all!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Today, woot! Killed it!!

Great interview. I am more than confident that I have the position. The original one I interviewed for. The one where I'm a sales trainer and sales manager for teams all over the country. And Canada. Big sigh of relief.

It couldn't have gone better. I couldn't have better repoire (sp)with boss man. Which is a great thing since we'll be traveling together for at least the first few months as he introduces me to the sales teams and the GM's for the parks. Yes, I know how important that sounds and I am soo excited and soo beyond ready to start.

I won't have a definite answer until probably a week from Mon or Tues. Miserable. However, I've waited this long through the never ending interview process and I'd rather he take his time and make sure that I'm the right person for the job (which I am) than to make a knee jerk hire in putting me in the wrong position.

This has been a great week. Spend the past 3 days with Whit and the kids and drove back down to spend the evening with her tonight after my interview. And Megan gets here Sat and will be here til next Sun so I know I will have a great week with her.

I am blessed. I know I've been saying this alot lately but the more time that goes by the more I realize how accurate it is. Even in the face of big annoyances, my income tax being $1000 less than it should because of taxes I owed last year, checks being delayed because of government issues, my attorney ignoring all my calls and threats and my ex husband being typical, its ok. I know that I'm not just ok but well taken care of, prayed for and encouraged.

Life doesn't always go as it seems, hardly ever really, but it's life. And I heard my fave song today on the radio as I left my interview, "Whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace, you're up to something bigger than me, larger than life, something heavenly."

So true, so appropriate and such a great reminder. Whatever is going on in my life, chaotic feeling or not, which I'm pretty sure at 31 with the life I've will always be relatively chaotic, God is still working in me and through me. For something heavenly.

Blessed and knowing it! xo

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Tomorrow's the day...

I got an email today from boss man and he wanted to talk today instead of tomorrow. Good talk...

Spent the day at the outlets with Whit and the kids. Whit had Arden in the baby bjorn I had Trey in the monkey backpack. He thought it would be fun in Heartstrings, as mom is shopping for Easter outfits, to roll himsel up in the the backpack, monkey on a string.. He would roll himself up then drop on the floor an unroll himself. I was dying laughing, as was Whit. So fun. Then I went to Nine West and got the hottest pair of shoes to wear to my interview tomorrow.

So I'm talking to boss man, telling him of how great I am and how I will exceed at this position and after laughter and conversation he asks me to come in at 230 tomorrow for a face to face to "put some offers on the table."

I don't know if I'm best suited for a relo position or for the traveling position that I'm gunning for but I know this much...1. Boss man likes me, as he told me 10 times on the phone, 2. I'm well suited for either position and 3. That I'm soon going to be employed.

I got some hot new shoes, painted my nails and have my outfit picked of for my big face to face. However it goes, I know, this will be where I'm best suited for, and where I'll soar to success.

That I got to share it with my best friend is a plus. God is good. always!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Answers. Kind of...

So I talked to the guy today and got some news. But first I kind of had a mini meltdown. I was called a hot head this weekend by a friend. But in the most lovingly of ways. Kind of accurate.

Emailed back and forth with the guy I interviewed with. His email to me at one point was something like "the position you interviewed for has some some internal issues so it's getting pushed back for a start date but if you're interested in relocation I would like to talk to you about another position." So I tell that to Whit, decide to email the guy, although I was a smidge (smidge, uh huh) disappointed I decide to tell him that I'm interested in talking to him about it. During my interview he had asked me my thoughts on relocating. I hesitated and told him that if the circumstances were right I had no problem moving. He said by circumstances you mean if the money was really great you'd go? And I said yes.

So I'm in the middle of responding to his email saying I'd like to discuss this opportunity when for some reason I scrolled down on my blackberry and saw that I had missed the rest of his email. It said that the original position I had interviewed for wasn't going to be available for 30-40 days and I was still being highly considered for the position but he didn't want to make me wait that long without an update and he had this other position he wanted to talk to me about.

SO, I emailed him and said I was most interested in the original position and the 30-40 days wasn't an issue (thank you tax refund) but I'd be open to talking to him about the other position that included relocating. I'm talking to him Wed at 1030.

I wanted an answer and I got one. It wasn't a start date but it was encouraging none the less and I feel like this is the company that I will be working for, job is yet to be decided.

I'm excited about the possibilities. Maybe it will be here and travel. Maybe it will be in a new city or state. Whatever the outcome, I feel like I'll have a job with an exciting company and maybe I'll be going somewhere to start over or maybe I'll just be starting over where I'm at.

Either way, I'm ok....

Today is my best friends bday. Happy Birthday Whit. I spent the day with her and her 2 adorable kids and will spend a few more days being entertained by Trey, Arden and Whit. No better way to pass the time til Wed than with my best friend and enjoying her kids.

I'm blessed. The more I think about it the more I realize it. I have amazingly supportive people in my corner all rooting for me to succeed. And I know that I will.

So, did I get the answer I wanted. Kind of. I just wanted to know that I was at least being considered. And now I'm being considered for 2 positions. Both of which, I'm sure, will be exciting.

I'm a happy girl!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Most thankful

I'm ready for tomorrow. I'm ready for whatever tomorrow brings. God has given me an extra dose of patience and peace this weekend. For that I'm thankful.

There will soon be a day that I start my new job. I'll be part of a team, a company, something I haven't been part of for much too long. I'm now able to bring myself, wholly. I'm able to offer them a confident, ambitious, excited person. I'm ready. For that I'm excited!

I have been meeting a lot of new people lately. I haven't been thinking or concentrating on meeting a man. Of wondering about Mr Right. I've been focused on other areas of my life and instead of planning my life I've been living it. My future isn't as far off as it used to seem and I know that I'm prepared for what will come. And for that I have peace.

I've heard something to the effect of life is what happens while you're busy planning. For the past several years life has been passing me by. And I've gotten by. I'm not ok with just getting by anymore. I'm living my life. I'm dreaming again. I'm dreaming bigger, better, bolder dreams that I haven't allowed myself to believe, until now, were possible. For that I'm happy!

My best days are not behind me. I've had some really great days. I've had some really great seasons. But I know that my best days are ahead of me. I know that the dreams I've started dreaming will be realized. I know that the prayers of so many people are soon going to be my reality. I know that God has equipped me with the confidence, humility, healing and hope that will allow me to thrive, succeed and prosper. For that I'm humbled.

"For as she thinks she is in her heart, so she is."

I think I'm blessed and highly favored. My joy isn't connected to my circumstances. And for that I'm most thankful!

Friday, March 5, 2010

Emotional hot mess and fake contractions...

Emotional hot mess, that would be me. Spent the morning watching my two fave little Slick kids and then a few hours with Whit then made the trip home for my all important phone call. It happened but not how I imagined it going down, mainly that I would have a start date, an amazing salary and perhaps a company car. Ok, being selfish. I have a car. I had a mini meltdown because I was so ready to have an answer that when it didn't come immediately I kind of lost myself for a minute. But I had my best friend, my parents, Nana and a few others to put me back in place.

Satan is on the serious attack, trying everything possible to break me at the last second. And for a split second I crumbled. I have a tax refund coming. Soon. I have a check being deposited. Soon. I have a job opportunity I'll find out more about. Soon. I know it's always darkest right before the dawn and I certainly felt that way today.

I had to keep reminding myself that God will not pull the rug out from under me. Satan might. He can try. But my stiletto is planted firmly with that rug that God placed under held tightly in place with my faith that God brought me here. Right where I'm at. I never lost sight of that reality, just maybe lost sight of understanding that everything will be revealed, in HIS timing. Not Richards, not mine. Again, have tried trading watches with God but I think he's pretty much not budging on this one.

I've said it before I'll say it again. I'm this emotional because I know that my life is going to change. That it's finally my time, my season, my cup is going to run over with blessings. Specifically for me. To better me for His purpose. But the setbacks of doubt, hurt and disappointment are still there. But only because I'm still waiting. For something great. I know it's coming. Mom likened this to Braxton Hix contractions. OR being 3 weeks past your due date as she was with my brother. The not real contractions, the anxiety of waking up every day wondering if this is the day...I totally relate. I'm definitely going through some pains but I know as sure as I'm sitting here that the pain I'm feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming. The dawn before the morning.

SO, I'll continue to wait. I'll continue to grow, be led, pray and believe that God is bringing me to it so he'll most definitely continue to bring me through it. And I know, without a doubt, that my season of plenty is right around the corner.

Yay! Big sigh of relief....again!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Best friend and babies

I'm spending the night with my best friend and her family. Selfish visit on my part. I needed to get out of the house, out of Jax, away from anything to get my mind off calling Richard tomorrow at 2 to find out about my job. And also because spending time with Whit and the kids does my heart good.

We've been friends through a lot of life's curveballs. I love that she's a mom. When I got to her house her and Trey were playing a game and they were both laughing and having fun. Then Arden woke up and I got to cuddle with her. Then Trey sat in my lap for 3o minutes, having conversations on my cell phone, playing with my earrings, playing with my hair. He loves his Aunt Miss. Not half as much as I love him.

There was a moment when Whit was giving Trey his dinner and I was holding Arden that I got a little emotional. I thought, one day, some day soon...I'll be here with my babies. We'll be drinking a glass of wine as our kids play and we talk and catch up. She's the friend I am most ready to be there with. Because she was so part of my life w J and now she's such a loving, active mom, I'm ready to share that. I know we will soon.

Tomorrow is the day I talk to Richard. Our sense of urgency are on a different scale. He wants to hire someone to start within a month, I want the job yesterday. I'm still confidant that our conversation tomorrow will bring me the good news I've been waiting so long to receive. To him he'll be giving me a job. To me he'll be giving me a lifeline.

I am ready. So past ready really. But just really excited to see where this course is going to take me. Who I'll meet, where I'll go, what I'll become.

One thing about best friends. They always have your back. She has been encouraging, excited and involved. Not because it was deserved or expected. Because she decided at some point that I was worth being part of. And I love her for that. Because right now all I have to offer is me, and she has her 2 precious little kids and her amazing self to offer me, she's ok with me just being me. Aside from my parents she's encouraged, loved and seen me through the struggles and she's almost as excited as I am to start this new chapter.

Maybe thats what it is about best friends. Give and take. I get to take part in her life with her babies and experience the excitement she's going through as a Mom and wife. And she gets to experience the excitement, roller coasters and drama of being single, waiting for that right job and right man. She's never made me feel less me because I don't have those things. Yet. She's just been there encouraging me that not only are they right around the corner, but also that I deserve all that. And more.

I'm thankful tonight for my friends. I'm praying for a good night's sleep. Tomorrow I get to spend some time with the kids as she runs some errands and then I will get back on the road to Jax. To make my phone call. To see what road I'll be taking from here on out.

I'm blessed, loved and very fortunate. xoxo to you all!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Growing up is hard to do

I've always been blessed with good friends. I've been overly blessed with an amazing family. I know that. I don't take either for granted. But I also am not blind to the realities of how relationships change as you get older.

I dont understand why people don't take care of their family. Whether it's people who don't talk to their parents, or don't go over to sit and talk to their grandparents, or even just ask a cousin, aunt, great uncle, how they're doing. If you don't have family, what do you have? And if you have an amazingly caring family and don't appreciate them while you have them you're going to live a life with a lot of regrets.

Same with friends. As you get older I think you're friendships obviously change. Some strengthen as time and struggles and blessings happen, others don't. I've never been someone who can easily end relationships. I try to see the best in everyone and make excuses for people more times than is probably healthy for me but I won't change that about me. If someone messes up and hurts me I give them the benefit of the doubt that they didn't mean to. But the older I get the harder it is to justify other's hurtful actions.

I'm not meaning this to be a downer blog. I just have seen over the past several months how easy it is to either make someone's day or break their hearts. And because I try to see the best in people I'd like to think that it's not deliberate when people hurt you but maybe they are just preoccupied with other things to take enough care to make sure what they are saying doesn't damage your spirit.

I can't make other people act the right way. I cant make them care enough or do the right thing. But it doesn't stop this tender hearted gal from hurting for people I love that are hurting. So in the hope of world peace (kidding) maybe if you're reading this you can think about these things..

Have I been the best daughter, son, grandchild, friend, aunt, coworker that I can be?

Have I told the people that love me and care about me that I love and care about them?

If you are praying for someone, tell them. It makes them feel good.

If someone is expecting good news, celebrate the hope with them. Don't warn them about the fear of setting yourself up for disappointment.

If someone asks you how you're doing, go on the assumption that they mean it and tell them.

If someone has hurt you and they don't know why, maybe have that conversation with them. Because as hard as it might be, living a life with anger, regret or fear is a life that is wasted.

I'm not trying to be Dr Phil. I'm not trying to act as a professional on relationships. I just know that when you are given much, much is expected. Good, bad and ugly. Make that phone call. Ask for forgiveness, tell that person that you love them or you're sorry. You never really know what other people are going through but I can pretty much promise that if you say one of those 3 things, it will change that person you say it to. And it will change you as well.

Growing up is hard to do but if you surround yourself with those that love you and believe in you then you are a really blessed person!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Emotional rollder coaster...

But for once I don't feel the need to jump off. I emailed with Richard today and he wants to chat on Fri afternoon. He's in Vegas with the company. Soon enough I'll be in Vegas with the company. I'm confidant of that. Still didn't stop me from bursting into tears. Thought I had to wait til Wed. God really has a lot of confidence in me. And apparently is still teaching me patience.

It's a different kind of emotional place I'm in. I'm not waiting for something bad. Not waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for news that I know will be great and move me forward. I'm ok with this kind of waiting.

Had a dream about J last night and woke up crying. Nothing new there. But this too was a different kind of dream. He's going to be 7 at the end of this month. My little guy isn't a little guy anymore. I've missed the transition. The dumbest thing made me cry tonight. Saw a boy with a missing front tooth and wondered how many teeth J had lost.

I won't let myself get down. I know that God is taking care of him. I know that somewhere in his heart he knows that he has a family out there that loves him and thinks he's one of the most special kids in the world. Because he is.

So my prayer tonight is that God continues to give me excitement and peace about my job, that is right around the corner. And that he will protect and nurture and keep my J safe and that he'll always, always feel as special as he is.

Monday, March 1, 2010

I'll take whats behind door number 2 please

Behind door 1 was a tax refund. A pretty good one!! Woo hoo!

Now waiting, not so patiently, for what's behind door number 2. Namely, an offer letter with the salary, start date and other essential info for my new job.

He said if I didn't hear from him by Wed to call him. I made it til 2pm today. Which is 4 days longer than I thought I'd make it. Left him a message. I swear, worse than waiting to hear from a guy after a really great date. Every time my phone showed a missed call my heart rate increased...

So I guess I'm not as patient as I had hoped this meantime had made me. But I think it's just kind of not in my genetic make up. It's not an anxious what if I don't get it kind of impatience, it's a can't wait to see how God's going to bless me kind of impatience. Cause I know it's coming.

For the first time in a long time I see the light at the end of the tunnel AND know that, finally, it's not a train speeding towards me!

Happy, content and excited...Woot!